2020 Has Taught Me A Lot

There have been a lot of negatives about 2020. A lot. But one thing is I have learned a lot this year. A lot. I have learned a lot about myself and also about others. Some of those things were good and some were really heart breaking. But knowledge is typically always a good thing. It will help you in the long run.

One thing I learned about myself is that while I knew I was an introvert, I can be an absolute hermit and survive. I don’t like being alone as much as I have been but I can handle it. I have learned that total isolation for long stretches does wear on you and can bring about loneliness and makes you knit pick yourself to death, but I would rather look at my own flaws than have others point them out for me. I am able to typically find something to do, whether it is eating, sleeping, reading, watching tv, crazy projects or any number of things to try to keep my mind busy. I miss people. I do. But I have always been self-reliant and I am more so now than ever. I have learned over the years that I am the only person I can ever truly depend on. That was a hard lesson to learn. And it took a lot of painful events to learn it, but I finally got it. It was helpful during isolation.

I have also learned this year that some people do not understand how to disagree like an adult. It has amazed me this year, more than others, at how mean and hateful people are when you disagree with them on anything anymore. I feel like we don’t have to agree on everything but we should do it respectfully. Some people want to pick fights and bully when you disagree. I would rather not. If you can’t have a civil conversation, just shut up. Honestly, there is enough negativity in this world to go around. Just really STFU.

Another thing I have learned is that no matter how smart someone is that they will make stupid choices. They will choose something that makes them miserable over and over because it is “the right thing to do” rather than looking at how they’re being affected daily. If something in life makes you miserable, it is time to reassess the situation. Nothing in this life is worth your happiness, self-worth or love. Nothing. Especially when there is the opportunity for you to live a fulfilling, happier life. The people in your life will love you enough to understand and adjust with you.

I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone that you can’t make them love you. Love can be a one-way street. No matter how much someone may care about you, you can’t make them love you. And at some point you just have to give up. There is no point in running into a brick wall over and over. That wall is never going to break. Sometimes, no matter how painful, it is time to move on. Maybe they’ll figure out what they lost. Maybe not. But you have to realize it’s better to move forward alone than to give your heart to someone who doesn’t want it and doesn’t deserve it. If they can’t see your value, they’re not worthy of you.

I’ve also learned that even though you put in all your efforts and exceed expectations, that someone will find fault in what you do. Every single time. They will also expect more. This happens in relationships and jobs. It doesn’t matter. You can go above and beyond and there will always be a question of “well, why didn’t you do….?” You can’t be Wonder Woman, Super Man or anyone else. You have to just do the best you can and let that be enough. If someone else wants something else done after you have done everything you could do, let them do it. You just smile and say, “That’s a great idea! Why don’t you take care of that!” And move on. Because if you don’t, they will expect you to keep giving until you have nothing left to give. You can’t pour from an empty vessel. Make sure you are giving yourself time to refill yourself.

I have also learned that when you express yourself and what you feel or need that some people will still make it about them. I used to take this personally. I have learned that sometimes people are trying to empathize. Other times they are just insensitive and uncaring. They are people who will never be able to see beyond their own bubble because something will only have affected them, from their perspective. It’s not worth my energy, my anger or anything else. Those people are not worth my time. I have learned that while it can sting and hurt my feelings that I can let it go. I have to usually do some breathing exercises and remind myself they’re incapable of real feelings and whisper “let it go. let it go. let it go,” until my mind and body relax. Most of the time I really don’t express what I need too often because of this very reason, but I have from time to time. And typically this is what I have to do to deal with the aftermath. Maybe I haven’t quite learned that lesson yet after all. I am a work in progress.

Finally, I have learned that there are some really good people in the world. I was so happy that my coworkers pulled together with me to do some charitable things this year to help others. It made my heart so happy to see all the good we did as a group. I really believe in this life it truly takes a village. And I feel like we need that village more now than ever. If you can help others, do. Your heart will thank you. Others will thank you. The goodness that you feel from doing something so positive will motivate you to keep feeling positive. I can’t do a lot but I can do a little with a lot of people. And I can motivate them to help me. And I have been blessed to have a lot of people who care about others the same way I do.

Isn’t It Funny

How when you think things are finally lining up that everything goes to shit? Yeah, I hate that. Things seem to be doing ok. And it’s like out of nowhere chaos happens. It can be your relationships, job, health, well being, etc. It can be all of the above.

So when the storm hits, what do you do? I’m usually someone who goes straight at the storm. Head on. Full steam ahead. Consequences be damned. Except sometimes that isn’t the best idea. Sometimes it involves people. Sometimes there are feelings involved. Sometimes you have to step back and consider someone else. It’s not always so easy to know what to do.

When there’s other people involved, it’s hard to know how far to go. Do you keep forgiving? Do you pursue them? Even when you know they’re the ones who have done wrong? When is it time to just give up? When is it time to let someone care about their actions toward you? When is it time to expect an apology?

With your health, there’s no way of knowing what to do except do your best. You do your best to try to take care of yourself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. When/If something goes wrong, then you just deal with it the best you can. It’s all you can do.

Your job? Well, most of us have to have one. It’s a necessary evil in life. I certainly wish I didn’t. I love where I work but I would rather not have to work. I would love to spend my time and energy on the things I love rather than trying to just survive. I do my best to work in an environment that I feel comfortable in. When I have felt uncomfortable, I have left positions. Even when that was uncomfortable. It’s not easy.

As far as overall well being goes, well there is always something that is going to knock that right out of the water. Something will inevitably happen to change something. My best advice on that is just to take each day as it comes and pray for the best. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. Some of those have kept me down for a while. Thankfully I am stubborn and sometimes mean as hell. I get up swinging. I sometimes think that is the only way I have survived until this point.

The bottom line is that every aspect of your life will be affected at some point. There will be times when it all hits at the same time. Hopefully you will have family and friends to lean on. If not, learn to lean on yourself. It’s hard. Believe me. I know. Sometimes I have been my only friend. But when you know that you only have yourself to lean on, you learn a resilience that is hard to describe. You learn that you can take time to sit and cry as long as you wipe those tears and get back up and tell life to kiss your ass. You’re a fighter. You’re a survivor. You can do it!

No really it’s ok

Have you ever been in one of those situations where it’s easier to just say no really it’s okay then to say fuck you kiss my ass!? Yeah I’ve been in a few of those recently. Sometimes you just get to the point where you just don’t have the energy to fight. Now if I could haul off and slap the person that might solve my issue but I don’t think it would really resolve the issue between me and that other person. And it would most likely result in me going to jail. And as resilient and sassy and sometimes a badass as I can be, I just don’t think that I’m badass enough for jail.

Lately I have been in a mood. Someone can say something and suddenly I can cut my eyes and they know not another word should be said. Or they say or do something and I look at them and with the flat tone say no really it’s okay. We all know that it’s not okay and I’m really trying hard to not go off on a tangent. And I think at that point that they are very thankful that I had some restraint. The murderous look in my eyes kind of gives it away that they would be the target of my verbal barbs.

So when you are thinking about being an asshole to someone, think very hard about it because you don’t know what someone is going through. You don’t know what they’ve dealt with throughout the day. You really don’t necessarily know what they’re dealing with internally at all. Some people can be like a fucking ticking time bomb and all you have to do is say one wrong word and it’s like pulling that linchpin and boom the explosion happens.

Now some people enjoy watching those explosions. I won’t lie and say that I never enjoyed it. I often enjoyed watching my father explode when I was a child because it was almost like watching a sitcom. But I was a kid. Adults should not do that. Adults should have some understanding and empathy about what other people go through. But it seems that in this day and age that more and more or rather I should say fewer and fewer have that. It’s more about what I’m going through rather than what someone else could possibly be going through.

So when you feel like just being a shitty person, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes we’re all going through something at some point or another in our lives. Don’t be the reason that someone has a shitty day.

Really? Really.

That’s been the question and answer for the last week. Something would happen and my question would be really? And the answer would be really. And it’s happened over and over again. It amazes me at how ridiculous things can be.

Sometimes there is nothing else to say but really. I mean I guess I could say what in the hell is up? But the thing is you’re never going to really get a straight answer so really?

Like when I had an issue at work recently, I just looked at the manager and asked really? Then I launched into a list of bullshit that deserved an answer. Of course no answer was ever given and my answer to that was really. That’s the problem so often. People can’t give that answer so you all you can do is just say really.

And then there was the issue with my car. It decided to crap out on me. And of course my question was really? It is old and I do get it. But it was definitely not the time for it to happen. I definitely really didn’t need to spend the money that I did on it. And then when I get it home we think that everything is going to be fine and don’t you know that it wouldn’t start again. So again really? Really.

And then I have been having to jump through some hoops dealing with some people. And again really? What the hell is up with you? Just tell the truth and life will be fine. Really.

So I have been really close to telling somebody to just kiss my ass. Yes. Really.

Shortcuts

It seems that in life we have come to a point where we want everything to be fast! We seem to have the need for everything to have some sort of shortcut. And what I mean by that is we’re going to find an easy way to do everything in life. And while that is a good thing in many cases, it is also very detrimental in others.

Food. We have come to the point where we think that food should be a quick fix. We go through drive-thrus constantly. And then after we have done all of this we complain about getting fat. I know I’ve done it. And I understand why people do it. I have worked so many hours at times that I am too exhausted to even think about cooking. The thing is, though, that when you do that you’re sacrificing your nutrition. You’re also sacrificing some other things as well.

Sometimes if you have a family that time spent in the kitchen is critical. It’s a time of bonding and learning and so many other things that you don’t even think of. When I used to cook with my family it was such a memorable time. I no longer have a family to cook with, but I look back at those times and treasure them. I learned how to cook by being in the kitchen with my mother. I learned while watching her. We would talk about just about anything while we were cooking and waiting for things to cook in the kitchen. There are so many things that we learned about each other during that time. It wasn’t just about the preparation of the meal; it was more about the process. When you go through a drive-through you miss that process. Basically, you’re throwing money at a window and grabbing a bag and hitting the gas. There’s no real process to that and if there is the only person you’re going through it with some stranger.

Books. I remember a time of when I would relax by reading a book. There was something so soothing about reading the words on a page and gently turning that page and feeling the paper between my fingers as I turned it. Sometimes smelling the musty smell of a library still lingering on that page. There was just something about that time that was relaxing and comforting.

Today people don’t read that much anymore. And if they do it’s on a device or a Kindle or something like that. And I say this as someone who does it myself. I do have some books. And when I say that I mean real books with pages. But I also store books on my Kindle app and it’s great for when I get stuck in a situation where I’m having to wait for long periods of time. All I have to do is pull out my phone and start the app and pick a book that I have stored.

One thing that people do that really annoys me is when they say that they’ve read a book, but they listen to an audiobook. It’s one thing to read the book on an app. But to go so far as to say that you have read a book that was read to you through an audiobook is just mind-boggling to me. That’s like me saying I watched a movie that was based on a book but I’m actually saying I read the book. No. If I didn’t read the words associated to that book then I did not read a book. Having the words read to me like a child has a story read to them is not the same as me reading a book. And I think that it’s basically cheating to say that.

Relationships. Whether it is a romantic relationship or just a friendship, we tend to go about them in the easiest and most short-cut methods possible. Relationships are important. They help us in our everyday life. We learn who we are and are not through them. We grow in so many ways because of the relationships we forge through life. If we go about relationships in a fly-by-night way, we lose the humanity of them. We miss the small moments. We miss the time and effort that goes into getting to know someone. We miss out on someone potentially caring about us and our well-being. Why? Because we took a short-cut because it seemed easier.

My way of thinking is that when we take so many shortcuts in life we are often missing out on some things that are very beneficial to us. Just because something may seem easier doesn’t mean it is the best path to take. Sometimes it is best to go down the longer road. Sometimes it is best to take that time to learn about yourself and others. You never know when that might be the best thing in the world for you.