survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “May, 2013”

The Jewelry Store Has Faith

Diamond Ring

I got an email from a jewelry store with the subject: Find that special ring for the one you’re going to marry. Ummmm…you’ve got more faith than I do. And frankly, you have it COMPLETELY backwards! I ain’t buying the platinum! He is! And has he been talking to you about this and not me? Is this a whole secret admirer thing where I am supposed to guess? Do you have a psychic? WTF!?!?!

I ask these questions because the dates have not been real prosperous. I’m a first date kinda chick. I’ll kick the tires and if they don’t feel right, it’s on to the next. I don’t trust faulty tires, or bad lines. Both send me running like someone was trying to set my hair on fire. I like my hair.

Now if you want to set my heart ablaze, that is a whole other story. And a man who is old enough to date me should kind of have an idea. I do plan to write a letter to this future Mr. Wonderful (fictitious or not) soon so he will get it. Lead a horse to water and all that crap. If he won’t drink, drown his ass!

So, to the jewelry store, send the damned email to the right man, not me! I’m too busy working my ass off to stay afloat in this crazy life. I don’t have time to pine after that stupid 2 carat diamond that you think I should want. BTW, I don’t want that. I like diamonds. I actually LOVE diamonds! But I don’t want that ring. But thanks for caring!

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Oklahoma Tragedy

Oklahoma

tornado

Dear Citizens of Oklahoma, I am so sorry for what you endured yesterday. My heart aches for you. I have never gone through an F4 tornado  but I have gone through an F2 and almost F3. It’s scary in a way that is indescribable. I know you have lost people in such a tragic way. I’m so sorry. My heart hurts. I have lost my whole family in other ways and I know you are beyond devastated. I can only pray for your healing. I send my love. I will look for other ways to help as well. You lost your homes, lives and livelihood. Those can be replaced. The only thing I can think to say really is just focus on this moment. Thinking about tomorrow after such devastation will overload your hearts and minds. You’ve gone through too much. There are so many people in the world that love you and share your heartache. I know it doesn’t take it away. We wish it would. No one deserves such pain and devastation. We love you. We care.

Love,

Amy

Learning About Yourself

English: Logo of the Science, Education and Le...

When I look at my life, I usually get a little frustrated. Sometimes it seems disjointed and like I’m not who or what I am supposed to be. When I was younger I had this idea of who and what I should be. Who and what I am now is not that person at all.

I was recently speaking to some interesting people and as the conversation flowed I realized that my life isn’t necessarily disjointed. It is diverse! I have held some interesting jobs. I have worked with some interesting characters. Even though I don’t always find myself to be the most adventurous, I have done some things that would scare a lot. Some people move easily and some don’t. I have lived in four different states. That may not seem like many but for someone who doesn’t like change of environment so much, these were big steps for me.

I have learned more and more about my artistic side later in life. (Man, that sentence is so depressing!) I have allowed my writing to flow and just let people read. I used to be so fearful of how people would react to what I wrote that I just didn’t do it. Now, who cares?! I have to get these words out. They are part of me and they’re like the carbon dioxide of my brain. I have inhaled all of these thoughts and they have processed and then I exhaled these written words.

I started learning to paint. Who would have thought I would paint?! I never did it at any point in my life and then suddenly I decided I liked art so much that I could try it and probably do well. I was fearless when I started. I wasn’t fantastic but I am not terrible. I love mixing colors and putting things together.

I think some of these things came from where I live. Asheville, NC is a little bit of everything. I think it brought out the little bit of everything within me as well. I have learned about myself and suppose I probably will continue to do so the longer I live.

Who Cares?

project 52, week 22

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

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