survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “Health”

What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year at this time I was absolutely miserable. I hated just about everything in my life and was hopeless. I kept plugging along, though, with that grain of a mustard seed hope. Just enough to keep me going. I didn’t know if anything would seriously change, but I truly wanted it to. I kept praying for a miracle and finally I told God that 2015 just had to be my year. It had to because everything else had just sucked.

2015 started off with a bang. I had an interview for a wonderful job on my birthday in January and got it. I started two weeks later. I met wonderful people who I could actually call friends. I was able to start the Weight Watchers program at work immediately and start reclaiming my life. I began to feel like I mattered again. I felt like Amy. I don’t know if any of you remember the movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” but I felt like I was getting my groove back in life in general. Things were making sense again. Life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have Taye Diggs but I was feeling more content being Amy. I was beginning to feel alright about who and what I was.

During this time, I kept seeing my ex all over town. I live in a small town and the odds of that are likely, but over the last four years I have never run into him. I think in a way God was protecting me from it.As it happened during this time, I was fine. Actually I was more than fine; I was annoyed. There was no racing heart or loss of breath. It was more like the urge to slap away an annoying gnat that is in your way. I did pray about it and ask why after all of this time he was popping up all over the place. It was random places and non-stop it seemed. After careful prayer and meditation, I felt the answer was that he needed to see that I was happy and well and didn’t react upon seeing him. Most times I didn’t even recognize him until after the fact. I thanked God for that answer and then prayed more and told God that since I had moved on so well, why couldn’t he give me someone who would understand me and accept me? Why couldn’t someone find my quirks and flaws adorable and not annoying? Then through the most unlikely source, Facebook, I was just chatting with this guy who is a friend of a friend and he was hilarious. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We hit it off like gangbusters. He is from where I now live. He lives kinda where I am from. We talk daily. I have come to adore him. He drives me crazy and I want to yell at him at times. At other times I would hug him as hard as I could.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day and she was like, “Dang, Girl! You sound happy!” I smiled and said, “I am.” It felt so weird to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But it felt so good to say that I am happy. For years I felt as if I was walking with a rain cloud over my head.

2015 hasn’t been perfect but it is so drastically different than last year. I am grateful.

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Happy Belated New Year!

I know we’re half-way through January. Sorry for my tardiness. I have been sick for most of the year. It made me angry that I seemed to get a flu shot for no reason. I ended up getting the flu. It knocked me out of commission for a while. I didn’t even have time to figure out what it was to try to ward it off. It was hard and fast! A medical professional I know recommended zinc so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to take some extra so you don’t get this same stuff. It was horrendous!

I have the same ol’ resolutions as always. I am still working on weight loss. I am continuing with the development of my personal education of my artistic endeavors. I am learning to let go of stress. It just makes me angry and anxious. So rather than stay stressed, I do what a good Southerner should: Let go! And let God! It’s an easier-said-than-done notion, but it is helpful. I just pray when I am stressed.

So I hope your new year is going well. Mine started out crappy but it will get better! Maybe I am over this plague and can move on!

Ah December

What a month! I really don’t like this month. I feel chaotic, frustrated, sometimes depressed and sometimes forgotten. Work is at a pace that I wonder if I can keep up. There are days when I can barely keep up. We have more and more accounts starting. New employees who need constant supervision. It is chaotic to say the least. Most days I feel like screaming. I curse under my breath a lot.

Then of course with the holidays I start getting the depression thing. It’s just how it is. And it is such a Catch-22. You want to be with people and yet you don’t. You don’t want to take your holiday blues to others and possibly infect them. You’re afraid you can’t laugh because the holidays are painful.

And while you don’t want to be with people, you would like to talk to them some and they’re too busy with their own things. Again, a Catch-22. You get it and yet…

So what to do? Endure it. Wait for it to end. I try to find things that make me happy such as painting, movies, writing and my cats.

Mountainscape

I Have Tried

done

I have tried so many times to just reach out in life. It seems that it is not the right thing to do because of the backlash or the feelings I end up with. People have wondered why I live such a tight-knit life. This is why. And I’m at an age now where I have finally learned my lesson.

I tried. I really did. So I am taking a break. At the moment, I just can’t anymore. I have to take a break. If people want to reach out to me, fine. I’m willing. People have my phone number. They can call or text. But I am tired of having emotional doors shut in my face.

I have enough stress in my life without worry about efforts or anything else. I am taking a break. I’m taking a break from Facebook personally and from this blog at least for a while.

See ya when I see ya!

When Bad Things Happen

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Life was getting better. I swear it was. Then BOOM! My car went haywire. It was bad. And then there was work drama because I am on call and had no transportation and blah blah blah. I was a ball of tears and many different emotions Sunday and Monday. When I am anxious and upset, I literally get sick. I can’t help it. I am just physically ill. This has been the story of my life. You’d think I’d be skinny with all the damned anxiety I have dealt with. LOL Alas, I am not, but I am working on it!

So when my car broke, it happened right in front of my house! That was a miracle. I mean, I drive at crazy hours. I was blessed it happened then. A nice man helped me and got it back in the spot. It was Sunday, though. No one open. So I then had to try to get to work because that was where I was headed. I was squalling like a baby calling them. Hyperventilating and everything. Full on panic attack! A coworker came and got me and we figured out a way home. OK. One problem down. Then there was the meltdown at work about the on call BS. OK. Fine. Done and over. Then I just wanted to cry. My coworkers rallied and got me laughing. I didn’t want to, though.

Then I took a moment for a break and realized how blessed I was. It happened in front of the house and I had immediate help. BLESSING! I got to and from work easily! Blessing! I had support. I had friends offering help immediately. I was not alone and that was a major BLESSING! So I feel like when bad things happen we need to stop and reassess. What good came out of it? We can dwell on the shittiness of it. Yeah, it was pretty crappy and I was sick as a dog.

Then today, after all of this, I found out that it was NOT my transmission. It was something from work previously done and, therefore, covered COMPLETELY! My car should be fixed and back to me tomorrow. Guess what! Another B-L-E-S-S-I-N-G!

What if I had sat there and said, “Poor me!” I didn’t. I did cry but then I sucked it up and got through it. I couldn’t eat, but anxiety helps me lose weight. Blessing? I don’t know.  Beneficial? Yeah. I focused hard on work and got so much accomplished! It was crazy! I still have more to do. But it is all good! God blessed me! I hope I am a blessing to others at some point in life. I really do. I feel like my life has been upside down so many times and I have felt overwhelmed because I was alone. This time I was not alone. I had help. It was awesome to have people care. I love my friends so much for all they did. Their kind words and helpfulness was exactly what I needed!

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