survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “August, 2013”

When Bad Things Happen

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Life was getting better. I swear it was. Then BOOM! My car went haywire. It was bad. And then there was work drama because I am on call and had no transportation and blah blah blah. I was a ball of tears and many different emotions Sunday and Monday. When I am anxious and upset, I literally get sick. I can’t help it. I am just physically ill. This has been the story of my life. You’d think I’d be skinny with all the damned anxiety I have dealt with. LOL Alas, I am not, but I am working on it!

So when my car broke, it happened right in front of my house! That was a miracle. I mean, I drive at crazy hours. I was blessed it happened then. A nice man helped me and got it back in the spot. It was Sunday, though. No one open. So I then had to try to get to work because that was where I was headed. I was squalling like a baby calling them. Hyperventilating and everything. Full on panic attack! A coworker came and got me and we figured out a way home. OK. One problem down. Then there was the meltdown at work about the on call BS. OK. Fine. Done and over. Then I just wanted to cry. My coworkers rallied and got me laughing. I didn’t want to, though.

Then I took a moment for a break and realized how blessed I was. It happened in front of the house and I had immediate help. BLESSING! I got to and from work easily! Blessing! I had support. I had friends offering help immediately. I was not alone and that was a major BLESSING! So I feel like when bad things happen we need to stop and reassess. What good came out of it? We can dwell on the shittiness of it. Yeah, it was pretty crappy and I was sick as a dog.

Then today, after all of this, I found out that it was NOT my transmission. It was something from work previously done and, therefore, covered COMPLETELY! My car should be fixed and back to me tomorrow. Guess what! Another B-L-E-S-S-I-N-G!

What if I had sat there and said, “Poor me!” I didn’t. I did cry but then I sucked it up and got through it. I couldn’t eat, but anxiety helps me lose weight. Blessing? I don’t know. ┬áBeneficial? Yeah. I focused hard on work and got so much accomplished! It was crazy! I still have more to do. But it is all good! God blessed me! I hope I am a blessing to others at some point in life. I really do. I feel like my life has been upside down so many times and I have felt overwhelmed because I was alone. This time I was not alone. I had help. It was awesome to have people care. I love my friends so much for all they did. Their kind words and helpfulness was exactly what I needed!

Shattered Illusions

English: Broken glass

 

For the past two years I was under the illusion that my ex just hated me altogether when he left. I have now found out differently. It doesn’t change the progress I have made in my life. It doesn’t change what we went through. It doesn’t even change the fact that I had already forgiven him for the chaos we went through.

It shattered my illusion of many things, though. I literally thought the man hated me. From what I found out, quite unintentionally, he didn’t hate me. I will admit I was quite angry and felt some form of hatred for him for a while. I hated how he treated me. i hated the way it ended. I hated other people’s involvement in our relationship. I felt he should have stood up for me more and focused more on us than allowing others to be involved. But then again, that was part of the downfall.

So when I heard this information after all of this time, I was angry and hurt. Not that I am wanting him back or anything; ┬ábut that this information may have eased the pain and suffering I went through during that time. Then again, it could have given me false hope. I don’t know. I just know that it bothered me. I felt somewhat betrayed at first because of the length of time the information was withheld from me.

So the one good thing that came from all of this is that I have a sense of closure. I don’t like feeling hated and I did for over two years. I guess this is a door I can now truly shut.

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