In the last month, opportunities were given to me. Chances for change. I am not one for change. At all. I get caught up in all of the what-ifs and such. But I have wanted a change in my life and rather than let myself be talked out of it, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I accepted that the only way for my life to change was for me to change. So I am moving. Not just from my current residence. Well, that is part of it. No, I am really moving! I am leaving North Carolina and moving back home to Alabama.
I am terrified and happy at the same time. It’s hard to explain how that feels. It’s laughing in the middle of an anxiety attack. It’s spinning on one of those crazy rides at a fair and loving it and suddenly feeling like you need to puke. It’s realizing that you’re leaving your home that you have lived in for years to go back to a home that you haven’t been in for several years.
The panic sets in and I wonder if I can really do this? Can I really get this done? Can I really be ok? I’m scared. I have friends and family there who are excited I am coming home. I am excited, too. But will the new wear off for them? Will they forget me? If they did, would it be so bad? There’s been times here when I have felt forgotten. I know that I wasn’t, but my feeling was that I was. Perception and reality are two different things.
As much as I can’t wait to go, there is a tiny bit that hurts to go as well. Something is missing. My parents. My Mama especially. She was home. She was the person who welcomed me with open arms. She soothed me when I hurt. She would promise that everything would be ok when neither of us knew if it really would be or not. She would gently stroke my hair until I could breathe easier and stopped crying. She’s not there. And I am crying alone and praying that God will take this knot from my throat.
So I am proud that I am taking a chance on change. I truly believe it is the best thing for me. While I love my job, my personal life had become stagnant. I needed a change and I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend to help me make a change. So I am leaving Thomas Wolfe’s home to see if you really can go home again? We’ll see.