survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “July, 2018”

Feeling a Little Amish

After my move I didn’t have internet or cable for a few days. During that time I was able to get quite a bit of things done. I realized it was because I didn’t have internet or cable. I was very productive!

This led me to begin thinking about the Amish. I’ve always admired all of the things that they can get done without electricity. What a way of life! I mean they do so much. But I got to thinking about that. The reason they get so much done is because they’re bored out of their minds! No, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But how do they do it all the time? I’m serious. Over the course of four days with no internet or TV, I was ready to climb some walls.

I assume that they get a lot of things done because they have to. I mean they have large farms to handle. They have those big old Clydesdale horses to handle. But then after you handle the farm, I mean are you just too exhausted to want to do anything fun?

This led me to another realization. That’s why they have so many children. There’s no amusement for the adults other than sex. So therefore they have all these kids. I mean think about it… The kids have time to play with each other after school or working on the farm or whatever. But what do the parents have to do? Sex. Well we all know that sex leads to babies. So that’s how that happens. Which is probably a good thing for them since they have those big old farms.

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Reflection on Change

These last few days have been quite eventful. They’ve been very emotional. I’ve had moments where I have had to just stop and cry. You would think that wanting to move back to my hometown would be this joyous occasion that would be filled with light-heartedness and laughter. There’s been some laughter. But there’s also been a lot of soul-searching and heartache.

I just left the place that I love. I left a lot of people that I love. And I left a job that I love. And I guess you’re asking what why did you leave? Working 7 days a week was wearing on me. I was physically and mentally tired. I felt like there was no downtime to just allow my body and brain to relax. I was worried about what if something happened to me physically and I was there by myself. What would happen?

Years ago I had to have surgery and my cousins came up but they could only stay for two days. My recovery time was over a week long. It was not easy and I was there by myself handling things. That’s kind of scary. I’m not getting any younger and I didn’t want to get into a situations where I could possibly be needing help and not have it. At least where I’m at now my family is very close. I guess if I’d found someone there it would have made a big difference. I would have had ties there. I did have ties there in a lot of ways. But they weren’t roots. I wasn’t grounded. There’s a difference.

I can still reach out to the people that I care about. And the people who are interested in being in my life can call, write or visit. And I can always go back to visit. I know that I left so many great relationships that if I go back for a visit I have so many places I can stay.

I guess tonight I’m thinking about a lot of this because maybe I’m bored. Maybe I’m feeling very thoughtful. It’s all been very surreal how it all happened.

Chances and Changes

In the last month, opportunities were given to me. Chances for change. I am not one for change. At all. I get caught up in all of the what-ifs and such. But I have wanted a change in my life and rather than let myself be talked out of it, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I accepted that the only way for my life to change was for me to change. So I am moving. Not just from my current residence. Well, that is part of it. No, I am really moving! I am leaving North Carolina and moving back home to Alabama.

I am terrified and happy at the same time. It’s hard to explain how that feels. It’s laughing in the middle of an anxiety attack. It’s spinning on one of those crazy rides at a fair and loving it and suddenly feeling like you need to puke. It’s realizing that you’re leaving your home that you have lived in for years to go back to a home that you haven’t been in for several years.

The panic sets in and I wonder if I can really do this? Can I really get this done? Can I really be ok? I’m scared. I have friends and family there who are excited I am coming home. I am excited, too. But will the new wear off for them? Will they forget me? If they did, would it be so bad? There’s been times here when I have felt forgotten. I know that I wasn’t, but my feeling was that I was. Perception and reality are two different things.

As much as I can’t wait to go, there is a tiny bit that hurts to go as well. Something is missing. My parents. My Mama especially. She was home. She was the person who welcomed me with open arms. She soothed me when I hurt. She would promise that everything would be ok when neither of us knew if it really would be or not. She would gently stroke my hair until I could breathe easier and stopped crying. She’s not there. And I am crying alone and praying that God will take this knot from my throat.

So I am proud that I am taking a chance on change. I truly believe it is the best thing for me. While I love my job, my personal life had become stagnant. I needed a change and I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend to help me make a change. So I am leaving Thomas Wolfe’s home to see if you really can go home again? We’ll see.

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