survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “August, 2015”

Expectations

Sometimes we have expectations of people or things and end up let down. I know that I have tried in life to not expect much because I ended up getting hurt. I figure if  you have no expectations that if something good happens, then that is like a surprise or something. If something bad happens, then it must be Murphy’s Law. Something bad is bound to happen at some point.

That’s why sometimes I don’t like to let myself get too comfortable in anything good. I get scared that a shoe is going to drop. Something may happen where I don’t have the explanation for it but it hurt my feelings anyway. To be such a hard-ass at times, I am really a tender-heart to the core. Someone can look at me wrong, say something hurtful or just flat out ignore me and my heart is hurt. And yes, I have jumped the gun and reacted before knowing the whole story. But when it comes to my heart, that happens sometimes. I can react emotionally.

But it makes me wonder if it is better to have no expectations or not. For the longest I had none because I had just shut down. I didn’t want to expect anything because all I got was bad. Then when I began expecting things. Just a little bit here and there. And it hurt when those expectations weren’t met. I am not sure what to do in situations like that. How do you clarify what you want, need and expect without sounding like a whiny brat?

It’s a fine line to walk. I’m not good at tight ropes.

Understanding Men?!

So honey and I were at odds. I went to Goodwill and was browsing their books and saw one that caught my eye. Tim La Haye wrote “Understanding the Male Temperament”. I thought it sounded good. I didn’t bother to check how long ago it was written. Shouldn’t the same principles hold true? You’d think.

So I was reading this book and could tell it was old. (1977 BTW) Then I read something that had me giggling. And I do mean giggling. This Christian author was waxing poetically about Bruce Jenner (AKA Caitlyn Jenner).

“The 1970s have introduced real live heroes like Bruce Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion. To gain his coveted award of being considered the greatest living athlete, he trained six hours a day for the ten months preceding the Olympics.” Many other modern-day heroes come to mind readily–O.J. Simpson, who regularly leaps out of Hertz rental cars into our living rooms;”

Since O.J. possibly (wink-wink) killed his wife and her friend and Bruce is now Caitlyn, I don’t think these two men are any that I care to understand. I’m throwing this book out. I wonder, though, if Tim LaHaye realizes how antiquated this book is? I mean, this is pretty bad. And funny.

So the way I understood honey? I point-blank laid it out and asked. I told what I thought. He told what he thought. We saw where it went off the rails and got that baby back on track.

Relearning Happy

Isn’t it funny how you can forget how to be happy? I did for a really long time. I was surviving, but not happy. I am now happy. I smile. I laugh. I sing. I’m happy. Sometimes to the point of being annoying. I am so grateful for my sarcasm and dry wit to balance things. Otherwise I would just make myself sick.

But yeah, I am relearning happy. It’s a strange thing. I think it is like when you get a new RX for glasses and can suddenly see. I use that analogy cause I’m also about blind as a bat. So when I get that new RX and can actually see, it is pure heaven. Clarity! It’s a nice feeling.

So I just thought I would tell y’all Amy is happy. In case you wondered. If not, I’m still happy. 🙂

Life Is Crazy

I had given up this blog. I wasn’t coming back. But life is crazy.

This is all about me and my perceptions of situations. Lord knows I have enough opinions. I figured I needed to get them out of my head and heart from time to time to not explode.

Today…I miss belonging and home. I have lived in WNC for 18 years and yet I miss Alabama today so badly that my chest wants to explode. I miss home. I miss family. I miss what I knew. I miss my everything. I miss the comfort that the people and places gave me. WNC is wonderful but the comfort I had growing up in the Tennessee Valley doesn’t compare.

I miss my mother telling me that everything is going to be alright even though the world is upside down and feels like it will never be alright again. She had a way about her that instilled confidence. She loved and it made me feel the world was right no matter what. I may be 44 but I need that. I haven’t had it for 19 years and you never get over that longing. There are times I need it as much as I need air. And I can’t have it. I won’t have it until I die. and that hurts.

I feel out of sorts and out of kilter. I want guidance and there is no one to guide me. I have God. I always have and always will. But sometimes I need that tangible source to talk to me and reassure me. It’s lonely to not have that. Self-soothing is not effective in situations like this. When your heart is shattered and all you can do is look at the pieces, you need the reassurance that some of the pieces will fit back together. Without that, you feel like you need to get the dust pan and sweep it all up and toss it because there is no way all of those pieces will ever fit. They’re a mess…just like me. A jumbled mess.

Life is crazy. I am doing the best I can. But today is a day where I need something and someone I can’t have. I sit and cry and it is useless. But I still cry some more. Why? Because it is the only thing that seems like the right thing to do. Nothing else worked. Maybe releasing the tears from my body will allow something positive in.

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