Circles of Friends

As an adult I have come to value relationships more and more. I kind of view my relationships like concentric circles. There are those people who are close to the center (me) that are really close friends. The next circle are friends who are kinda close but aren’t as close and so on and so forth. The further you get out, the less close we are. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just life. We can’t be BFF with everyone in life. Even Psalms reminds us to guard our hearts (Psalms 4:23).

So over the years I have been somewhat ok about guarding my heart. I have let some people in who I shouldn’t. I think that is part of life and a learning experience. I have also let some in who went from a further circle and made their way closer. That is always a nice feeling when someone cared enough that they moved forward.

What happens, though, when someone shuts you out and you really care about this person and they are in one of the tight circles? They haven’t left, won’t go and you have tried everything you know. Do you just ignore them? Act like they never existed because that is how they’re treating you? It is a situation I am dealing with now. I still care about this person and have done all I can and will do at this point. I won’t apologize anymore because I have tried and it has fallen on deaf ears. I have reached out and have been treated as if I was dead. But yet this person doesn’t want to remove themselves from my circle completely. My thing is that you’re either in or out. If this person truly doesn’t want me in their lives, then why are they not exiting mine? I put the ball in their court and they refuse to do anything with it. I hate that I am the one who is being made to look and feel bad over something I have tried to rectify. The funny thing is that this person gave me advice a while back to cut all ties with another person who did something similar but I was involved with in a different way.

Relationships aren’t easy, whether they’re friendship or romantic. It’s not easy making decisions regarding them. It’s not easy to quit caring when you actually still do.

If only

There are so many if onlys in our lives. Or maybe it’s just my life. I reflect quite a bit. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older. Maybe it’s because that’s just who I am. I appreciate things now. And I did appreciate things in the past.

I try to to live a life now with much more purpose. I don’t want to be in the future looking back at this point in time saying “if only.” There are way too many if onlys in my life.

If only I’d been more adventurous.

If only I’d said what I felt.

If only I’d trusted my heart.

If only I’d let go sooner.

If only I’d taken that ring off.

If only I’d never left.

If only I’d dreamed bigger.

If only I’d done more.

If only I’d taken better care of them.

If only I’d read between the lines.

If only I’d reached out.

If only I’d be been stronger.

If only I’d stood up for myself.

If only I’d fought back.

If only I had not trusted.

If only I saw the truth.

If only I smiled.

If only I’d said the right thing.

If only I didn’t care.

If only I could do more.

If only I was braver.

If only I hadn’t jumped.

If only I had hoped.

If only I quit worrying.

If only I’d closed my eyes.

If only I’d breathed.

If only I forgave myself.

If only I opened my heart to the world that awaits.

If only…

This Is Us

Tonight I watched an episode of the show This Is Us. The show always makes me cry. But tonight was especially difficult. There was a lot of backstory to it and it was just so painful to watch. I watched what the main character grew up in and lived through and survived. It shaped his character as a person. If this was a true story it would be heart-wrenching to say the least. And yet it probably is true for many people.

And so as I’m reading other people’s thoughts on the show, I start to think about my life and other people that I know. What shaped our lives? And the thing is that so many times we can pinpoint specific events that made us into the people that we are. We went through trials and we suffered through various things and they formed who we are.

And this episode also made me think about what is just by blind luck or what happens because of a circumstance that we either cause or overcome. And I know a lot of people who have overcome things that would cripple others. And I know some people who act as if they’ve gone through things and it never affected them. And the bottom line is whatever we experience throughout life is going to affect us in one way or another. Some things are life and death. And some things are just harsh reality. And other things can actually be positive. But any of those factors can change the path that we were on in life. It can change who we intrinsically are if we allow it to. And that’s something that really came through to me through this episode.

I’m probably going way too deep in this episode but I have been watching this series since day one. And I’ve watched this main character and everyone deserves to be loved light Rebecca was loved by Jack. Everyone. The thing is that everything that Jack went through in his life could have caused him to be unable to love like that. And yet he still loved.

While the show is fiction, there is so much truth behind the behaviors of the characters and what they go through. It’s very interesting to see the parallels in real life and in this fictional show.

It amazes me how many people watch the show knowing that they’re going to cry. They know that it’s coming. It’s like when you watch a scary movie you know that something is going to happen. But this is a show that just gives you an emotional rollercoaster. And maybe that’s what we need. Maybe we actually need to get out some of these tears and some of these feelings. I don’t know. I know right now I wish I had somebody to give me a hug because the show just sent me and to quite a contemplative state of mind. It made me think about things in my own life that I didn’t even want to think about.

Rainy Thoughts

I am lying in my bed listening to the Rain. It’s one of my favorite sounds. I should try to sleep right now but I love the sound. It’s like Nature’s music. It’s almost hypnotic.

I’ve been stressed lately and it’s been hard to think about certain things. This soothing sound allows my brain to just kind of relax for a change. You would think that sleep would be relaxing. It’s not always relaxing for me. This sound is so relaxing.

I can think about whether or not I should make a trip to Asheville in the next few weeks. I want to go before the weather gets bad. I miss my friends. And I just miss Asheville.

I can think about the upcoming holidays. Typically I spend them alone. And that’s usually by choice. I’ve avoided the holidays for years. I love my family and friends but the holidays are not the easiest time for me. And this time of year is really not the easiest time for me because it’s the precursor to the holidays. But this year I am home–in Alabama. I spoke to one of my aunts the other day and she is so excited about Thanksgiving that she’s already planning it. And she invited me to come. I haven’t had a holiday with blood relatives in 21 years. That’s a long damn time. So the thought of the holidays has been a little bit overwhelming. But tonight I can think about it without having a panic attack. I can think about the fact that I’m going to spend time with people who are part of me. And that is such a foreign concept. It’s a little bit scary to.

And I can think about Christmas. I haven’t had a Christmas tree and all those years either. I was thinking about it and I’m going to have to really get going so that I can have ornaments for a tree. Thank goodness I’m crafty and artistic. And a friend of mine sent me some great ideas. So I’m going to start working on those. So that is something quite interesting. Amy with a Christmas tree. I just pray the cats will not climb the tree or knock the ornaments off. But it will be a learning experience for all of us.

So these are the things that I’ve been thinking about while lying in the bed listening to the rain. I know that they are scattered thoughts. But they’ve been things that I pushed to the side because they are difficult to think about under normal circumstances. They normally worry me and cause me to be anxious. And now I can just think about the whole thing and it’s going to be okay. And if not well we’ll just do the best we can.

I’m so thankful for the rain.

Emotions and Restraint

Isn’t it funny how we love the openness of children but as adults we work to be controlled? Well, not all of us, but many. I love watching adults watch children. It’s hard to not smile when you see a little one exploring the world and expressing themselves. But as they start getting older, we tell them to reign themselves in. We must be calm and controlled. By the time adulthood rolls around, we are supposed to be able to control all our feelings and reactions.

I don’t know about you, but for me that is not natural. When I am excited, I get loud. When I am hurt or sad, I cry. When I am happy, I grin like a Cheshire cat. When I am angry, well, there’s no telling what reaction you might get. I might yell, curse or completely quiet. While I can sometimes get these reactions under control, I can’t always do it. I am an expressive person. I don’t want to be inhibited. I want to be able to express myself.Personally, keeping emotions in, no matter whether they are positive or negative, is stressful for me. I need to just REACT! You may hear me curse, cry, yell, laugh or any combination of these. I feel better after doing it, though.

If a woman shows much emotion, she is often deemed out of control, overly emotional or a bitch. Why can’t she just be expressive? Some of us would rather just get our shit out instead of going home and kicking the dog or something. 

If a man shows emotion, he can be thought to be a wimp, forceful or strong. More often than not, it’s acceptable for a male to show strong emotions that lean toward a more forceful nature. He’s often thought to be manly and in-charge. Some see that rather than a bully. If he is “too” emotional, he can seem to effeminate or dramatic. And, frankly, it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, most people don’t want negative drama. Maybe a little fun drama, but negative drama is a definite no-no.

I’ll admit that I don’t like being around people that are emotional about everything. It does bother me. But I do appreciate people who are touched by things that are kind, good, sweet, thoughtful, sad, etc. It makes them more human to me. I don’t like being around people who withhold all their emotions. Frankly, that bothers me because excess in one area of life will lead to lack of control in another. So, it worries me when I see someone who acts like an automaton in every situation. It makes me question what they would be like behind closed doors. Would they explode over the smallest of things?

I would much rather be around people with natural reactions to everyday life. Keeping anger manageable is important but it is just as important to understand that anger is natural. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel things. It’s ok to quit pretending that everything is perfect all the time. If your life is perfect, I would love for you to tell me how you got it that way.