survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have not been great this year, but it’s not been my worst ever. I have been working toward being a better person, helping others, learning more and all that. My mouth…well, you should probably bring me a few bars of soap for that. I can’t seem to curb some of the words that fly out. And sometimes I don’t want to. Maybe that puts me on the permanent naughty list. I’m not so sure. I’ll let you think on that. I’m really tired of worrying about how good or bad I have been. I just really try to treat others the way I would like to be treated for the most part. I don’t always succeed, but I do at least try. Brownie points?

I want so many things in life. I wish you would come this year. You have missed me several years. I am really beginning to feel like the red-headed stepchild. I mean, I know I color my hair so it has a some red in it, but can’t you cut a girl some slack? I would love the moon and the stars, but I know you won’t hand those over. So since you know so much about me and you’re always checking lists, I hope you know what all I really want and need in life. I ask for those things. Nothing terribly extravagant, although it would feel that way to me. But you know what I am talking about.

I hope you will also take care of my friends and family as well. I can’t tell you how much I love them. We drive each other crazy at times and even hurt each other at times. But I love them with all my heart. I hope you will bring them Christmas miracles and happiness.

And if you want to throw in a little extra, well some quality massages throughout the next year would be well appreciated. This year was a little stressful!

Love,

amy

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No Promises

We aren’t promised a tomorrow…of any sort. I have learned that all too well throughout my life. Half of my life I have felt like I have death constantly looming in the background. It’s not a scary thing for me anymore. It is just a fact of life. If you live, you die.

But as we live, we need to live with the realization that nothing is promised or guaranteed. Nothing. You don’t know if you have a tomorrow. You don’t know if someone will love you. You don’t know if you will live your dreams. You have no clue.

All you have in this life is the moment you are living. I have been working toward living intentionally for the last few years. I have always mostly said what was on my mind. But many times fear held me back. As I have gotten older, though, I realize even more that my days are numbered and so are my chances for happiness, love, etc. Because of this, I pretty much say what I want and do what I want. I don’t want to miss opportunities that I would regret. I have no promise of another chance. Tomorrow may not come. I could die in the blink of an eye.

This really hit me today when I spoke with an elderly man. He is working desperately to ensure that when he passes that he leaves things in order for his wife. First, if that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is! But secondly, he knows he isn’t promised tomorrow. He is doing everything he can today in order to be prepared. This man truly touched my heart because he sounded like my daddy who has been dead for 21 years. After our conversation I had to take a break and just go cry. My heart still aches for this man who is so filled with love and goodness.

The moral of the story is to not miss opportunities in life that are presented to you. There are no promises that you’ll have another chance.

Assumptions

It’s funny how people make assumptions. Recently an assumption was made about me. It was frustrating. So this person thinks they know me quite well. He knows a few things about me that no one else knows. A few. He does know some pieces of my heart. What I allow to show. I am guarded with it. I tell things that are pretty common knowledge. I keep other things to myself. Why? I have been hurt by people I care about and by strangers as well. I don’t care to be hurt anymore than I have to be in this crazy life. I have had more than my share.

So the assumption that was made hurt me and angered me. After the initial slap of the words, I retaliated with my verbal tirade of anger and frustration. I’ll admit there was a little tequila backing up my flying fingers on the letters on the phone. I left some things out of what I said. I wish I had said a few more things than I did. I used words I rarely use and dropped some like I was fresh off a Navy boat.

But something that bothered me about the assumptions was that this person assumed all I ever did was pine over him. He never once asked me what I was doing around here. Never. It showed his very little interest in my life and also the presumption that I had nothing better to do. I was actually seeing someone for a bit. It didn’t work out, but not everything in life does. It’s ok to try and to fail. I have done that many times. I don’t stop trying because something is difficult, though.

When I was talking to the presumptive man, I did it because I enjoyed his conversation, intelligence and many other things. I don’t like his know-it-all attitude, evasiveness or his view of obstacles. He writes about fate, life, living, love, etc. I am no longer playing it safe in life. I did that too much when I was younger and found that I can miss out on things that I regret now. I dare to live and try and hope and dream. I dare to want it all and to strive for it. The thing is that this goes completely against my nature. I won’t go into the details, but life should have taught me to hide from everything. I don’t. I look it straight in the eyes and keep pushing onward.

I am tired of living other people’s version of life. I can only do my best. And if that doesn’t measure up to what someone feels it should be, then they can just kiss my ass. I’m tired of feeling like I am not enough or too much. I am me. I am worth the inconvenience, the fight, love and ridiculousness.¬†And if someone doesn’t realize how fucking wonderful that is, then they have lost out on something amazing. In whatever capacity I would have held a place in their life. They don’t have to exit my life, but they don’t necessarily get the sparkle that is me either.

So before you make your assumptions about who or what I am or anyone else for that matter, why not ask? Why not really try to get to know who someone really is? Personally, I am quite something. I am resilient, strong, delicate, angelic and devilish all at the same time.

Now I have no clue as to whether we’re friends or not. Why? Assumptions. And the thought of losing him as a friend is painful. But it would have also hurt to hold in those words. I care about this person and actually like him enough to want to remain friends. I don’t know what he thinks. Maybe his silence is the answer? We’ll see.


						
					

I did it!

I survived the Thanksgiving holiday! And I did it quite well I think. I saw my family that I haven’t seen in 20 years and it was so nice. I was able to have a great meal and talk about some of the old days. They told me about the stuff that happened before I was born. Things about my parents that I didn’t know.

And it was really good. I only really teared up and came close to crying once while there. I’m tearing up now as I think about it but I did okay. It felt good to feel loved and welcomed and not in the way. It was like I had always done that. But I hadn’t.

I had always spend holidays with my Mama’s family, but never really with Daddy’s. Well we did do the Fourth of July with Daddy’s family but that was it. None of the other holidays were with his. So I didn’t know how to act at first but it was smooth sailing and we had a good time and I’m looking forward to other events. And my anxiety was okay.

I even thought about going shopping after everything but I was so tired and full from all the good food. So I came home and I started checking out some stuff and found out that one thing that I wanted to buy I could actually just buy online and have it shipped. Now it’s going to take about a week or so to get here but that’s a lot better than having to go fight a crowd.

So I was able to come home and relax a little and chill out before I have to go to work tomorrow. So all in all today turned out to be quite good. I was able to survive it without any real problem. I felt completely loved and welcomed and it was just so good.

I hope that everybody who reads this had a very Happy Thanksgiving. I know that it’s a struggle for some people at the holidays. I’ve been there. I have just wanted to hide before and I did. And if that’s what you have to do to get through the holidays then that’s what you have to do. Some people don’t get that but I do. The thing is you do what you need to do. You take care of yourself. Today I did in a different way than normal for myself and it worked. Big hugs!

In my feelings

So I haven’t written anything in a while because I have been in my feelings. I’ve also been extremely busy with a lot of work things and just trying to keep my head above water with a lot of other personal projects. These have all left me feeling quite drained. I have also been holding a lot of my feelings in because I wasn’t expressing them through my writing. I have found out that if I don’t write that it leaves me too full of some negative things that I typically release through writing.

I’ve been thinking about the holidays coming up. I’ve been stressing over them a little bit. I’m going to be spending Thanksgiving with family. And while that sounds like a wonderful thing to do it is also very stressful, as many people know. But for me this stress is not because of uncomfortable family relationships or family arguments. There will be some discomfort I’ll admit. But mine is more from the fact that I feel like the outsider. And I am. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my father’s sister and her children and grandchildren. The thing is that I’ve never spent a holiday with these people at all. Ever. And some of them I have not seen in 21 years. I’m a little anxious. I’m a little nervous. Yes, they’re my family. But I’m still an outsider and I’m kind of a stranger. I know my aunt loves me. But I almost feel like I’m invading their family time. She invited me but a piece of me wonders was it just out of pity or what? That’s the insecure piece of me. And I should just get that shit out of my head and just focus on the fact that I have a place to go on Thanksgiving. Actually I have several places to go. And I should be thankful. And I am. But I also have all this damn anxiety and reluctance.

When I was at North Carolina, I could hide from everything. Now I am exposed to all of these feelings that are coming at me and it’s difficult. I am dealing with hey you haven’t had a family in forever and you still don’t. Hey why are you still single? What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so fucked up? And I know some people if they’re reading this at all might think oh she’s being too harsh. A recent conversation with one family member went along the lines of well if you’re going to be dating anyone you need to really be extra nice because you know you ran your husband off. Now mind you this was someone who left when I got depressed over the deaths of both of my parents and he didn’t like the fact that I was depressed and he told me to get over it at times and that I deserved to cry. But, yes, of course I ran him off. I told her that he wasn’t man enough to handle real life and that I was glad he left and that I didn’t appreciate someone saying something that ugly to me. She quickly changed the subject.

So these are the feelings I’m dealing with. It brings up the social anxiety even though they are family. It brings up the loss all over again. It brings up the frustration still being single and being singled out because I’m single. It brings out a lot of questions and self-doubt. And maybe I shouldn’t tell that to the world. But I know that we all have our doubts about ourselves at times. The thing is at least I can openly and honestly say that I know what my doubts are and then I confront them. A lot of times they win. I sometimes do think that I’m the biggest failure in the world. But then there are days when if something goes right I think well maybe I’m not so terrible.

So if you’re reading this I hope that you will understand if you have friends who don’t want to participate in the holidays. They might be going through some shit where they just want to be by themselves. But then again you may have friends who need to be with other people so maybe offer for them to come to your gathering but with no expectation. Sometimes people are just trying to figure out how to get through the holidays. And it’s not always so easy because the holidays bring up a lot of feelings that we don’t always have to deal with all at once throughout the year. But come holiday time they all just come full force at you and it’s pretty damn hard to fight them all at once. So sometimes it is easier to stay home in your pajamas and watch stupid movies. I know that I’m probably going to get back home as quick as I can and crawl into my pajamas and pull out the laptop and connecting with my long-distance friends. Because while I’m here, I’m missing there.

Thank you for letting me just get these thoughts and feelings out of my head and heart. Had to take a couple little breaks during this to cry for a minute. It’s amazing how cathartic it is to actually just write down some of your feelings.

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