the ups and downs of life

It’s a Process…I Flirted

So I went through the crying and despair. I went through anger. And while it still hurts, I’m allowing myself to try to move forward. I flirted today. It wasn’t much of anything but it was something. It was better than looking down at my shoes or focusing solely on the items I needed at the store. There was a joke, smile and laughter. We went our separate ways and I felt good about myself. It was a step in the right direction. I was proud of myself.

Baby steps, right? It’s a process.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

Time Marches On

It’s been a rough few weeks but time marches on. I think that must be a good thing. If it stopped, it would allow us way too much time to think and focus on negative things. And wallow. We would wallow like pigs in mud and get all nasty and dirty. While pigs do this to cool off, we do it because we cover our wounds and hide from the world.

So I have worked hard which has led me to the point of exhaustion. I have actually been able to sleep lately. That is uncommon for me. I have enjoyed sleeping. I have also enjoyed painting. It is a way for me just FOCUS. I don’t have to do anything but focus on the moment, the paint and the canvas. That is nice. I can have a tv or radio on, but I can focus solely on getting something on that canvas. It helps.

I haven’t cried in the last few days either. I have been proud of that. I have lost my temper more than once, though. I’m trying to control that. But no tears fell from my eyes. I was very proud of that. I wish that I had a punching  bag, though. That would help with the anger.

Time marches on. It also heals.

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

Live Honestly

Life is not easy and we all have our own demons. There are times when we may not want to share everything we are going through with others. That’s fine. The thing is that when you are interacting with others, you need to live honestly. That doesn’t mean you have to share every feeling you have at every moment of every day.

It would be easy if we lived our lives in a bubble and all that we felt and went through stayed within the confines of that bubble. Unfortunately, life is not that way. Because we are a society and we do interact with others, there is bleedover. This is especially true when we try to have interpersonal relationships. What is happening in your life will come through no matter how hard you try to contain it.

Living as honestly as possible can help with any negative interactions with others. If you are open and honest, you have nothing to hide. If you hide your feelings and then interact with someone, the chances of something bad happening go up exponentially. Avoiding the truth or lying will only compound any negative interaction. Silence, sullenness and defensiveness are all things that are defense mechanisms that can make a bad situation into an extremely painful and dramatic situation.

Just be honest. Don’t give pat answers. Don’t hide from what you feel. Own it. When someone else is involved in those feelings, it is always best to be as thoughtful as possible. Your feelings are impacting their life, whether it is negative or positive. They don’t deserve to be blindsided.

I have recently been in situations where people weren’t honest with me. Had the people been honest with me, I would have been able to make different choices. I don’t know that I could have protected my heart, but at least I could have dealt honestly with things that were very painful.

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