survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

June 9, 2021

This week has been rough emotionally. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. I have had moments of tears off and on through the week. For some it is just a day. For me my mother has been gone half my life.

There are times when I feel like she was never even here because it’s been so long. But there are so many memories that bring me back to reality.

There is not one single day that goes by without missing her and Daddy. Not one. People say you get over it. Maybe some do. I didn’t get over it. I learned how to live without a piece of myself. And I miss my Mama and I miss myself.

If you still have your parents, love them while you can. I am 50 and still cry like a baby missing mine.

Dear Employers & Employees

Dear Employers,

I know you have been very frustrated about the fuss over minimum wage and all that. Know what? Employees are frustrated with not being able to pay their bills. I know you’re probably saying, “Well if they can’t afford this or that they shouldn’t have it!” I don’t really think basic groceries should be considered a luxury. I don’t think toilet paper should really be classified as a luxury. I’m sorry, but I really don’t.

I have worked my ass off for years and keep getting told I don’t deserve a living wage. I don’t show enough initiative. Ahhhh…I remember that one oh so well…I was unable to speak to management for a week because I knew my words would be uncivil. I literally didn’t speak to them. I spoke to the other employees, but that was it. Finally when I knew I could hold it together for the most part, I managed to corner my HR manager for a meeting. He had been avoiding me for the whole day because he knew what was coming. I walked into his office and smacked down that review and just said, “THIS is bullshit!” He looked stunned. How dare I say bullshit in his office! I did and I dared to say a few other things as well. I told him they could say a lot of things about me but that was not one of them.

So employers, before you say stupid things like that to your employees, think twice. They are the ones who keep your business afloat. And before you say there is someone out there that wants that job, think again. Right now you can barely get people to work due to stimulus checks and getting paid extra for unemployment.

Treat your employees well. Speak kindly to them. And pay them well! They are what is keeping your business going and if it’s not running, you’re not making money. If you require a degree, pay them enough to pay off those student loans. They’ve gone in debt to earn that education to be able to do all the work you expect. You should have the common decency to pay them accordingly.

Now….

Dear Employees,

Do your part. Come to work and actually work. Quit giving all the other employees a bad name. Quit being jerks. Don’t ruin things for the rest of the people. They have families, themselves, pets and a whole lot of other reasons they need that job. And you acting a fool isn’t helping. You have a job to do. Go do it. It is that simple.

If you’re not getting paid enough, complain. But don’t wreak havoc on the whole workplace. People depend on those checks.

And be considerate in your workplace. Don’t do stupid and petty things like throw papertowels in toilets. Don’t flush sanitary napkins and tampons down toilets. Don’t shit on the floor. Yes, it has happened. Treat your workplace like you would your home. You stay there almost as long as you do home so show it some respect. And show your COWORKERS respect by acting like you weren’t raised in a barn and have some manners.

Be courteous at work. It’s fine to joke with your buddies there. But don’t be disrespectful. Even when you want to. Why? Because if it comes down to you (a peon) and a manager, whose side do you think someone will be on? Think about it. Is a moment of calling someone a name worth losing a job or being put on probation?

Also, employees, quit asking for something you don’t deserve. I’m sorry but if you don’t have a degree, you shouldn’t be getting the same salary as an employee with a degree unless you have many years of experience that add up to the same knowledge as their degree. That may sound harsh but it’s the truth. That person went through a lot to get that education. They invested a lot financially and time-wise. You can, too. But your expectation shouldn’t be that you get the same money because you didn’t do the same work. If you want more money, put in more effort of some sort. If you’re deserving, I am all for it and behind you all the way. But I don’t feel that you deserve it because you want it. Life doesn’t work that way. Ever. Learn it while you’re young because that fact will hit you over and over.

Now that I’ve complained about employers and employees, I am going to bed because I’ve got a busy day tomorrow. At my job. That doesn’t pay me enough.

Take care.

Gratitude

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It is really easy to complain. Too easy. I know I complain. We all do. But I also count my blessings. Every day. When I feel myself starting to be overwhelmed by all the negativity of life, I check myself and look for the good. There is a lot of bad in the world and we all know it. But there is a lot of good. And if we don’t look for that good, we are going to let the bad and negativity take over any good we have.

We have to be grateful for any and everything we have. No matter how small. When you are feeling defeated and overwhelmed, grab a piece of paper and think of three things you’re grateful for. Can’t think of anything? I can tell you three right off the top of my head.

  • You’re breathing.
  • You can hold the pen/pencil in your hand.
  • You have a piece of paper to write on.

Those things may not seem like much but they are. I have friends who have COPD and have trouble breathing. I have a friend who hurt his hand and can’t hold a pen or pencil. It literally hurts to close his hand. There are people in this world who would love to have paper to write on.

I’m not saying life isn’t hard. Believe me, I know it is. I have lost everything and everyone I loved and am still working to survive. Some days I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. And I have to remind myself to look for those positives.

I can’t allow myself to look at what so-and-so has compared to what I have or don’t have. I would stay miserable if I did that. That is one reason I have stepped back from social media somewhat. I can’t allow other people’s negativity to affect me and I also can’t allow myself to fall into the trap of comparing what I do/don’t have to others. I do use social media for some things, but I rarely use it for many personal things anymore.

When you feel yourself beginning to feel frustrated by life, do something positive. And, yes, it is ok to take the indulgent moment to say to yourself that things aren’t fair, but you also need to remind yourself that nothing is fair. Now get up and wash your face and shake it off and get back to living! Be grateful you have the life you have and live it the best you can.

Thoughts & Prayers

It’s days like today that I wonder why I even bother. I open up and actually say what I think and feel and rather than being understood, I am told that what I am feeling is wrong and then I am dismissed.

When this happened, I was so angry. I am someone who cries over a lot of things. But when I cry when I am angry…well that is a whole different level. I am usually so frustrated that I know I should not say anything because I will most likely say something that will be painful to everyone involved.

Today I let someone know a situation that was really troubling me and causing me hardship and rather than really empathizing with me and trying to help with a solution, I was told she would pray for me. She has the ability to at least try to do something. And she is going to pray for me.

I’m all for prayer. Don’t get me wrong. But I am also all for helping someone when you can. And when someone is distressed the last thing you need to do is tell them you’ll pray for them. I will say she did offer a solution to my situation that was so condescending and demeaning that I was stunned. And then the next thing was the offer of prayer.

I couldn’t react in the way I wanted to. I couldn’t say what I wanted to. I was demoralized at that point. It was a good lesson, though. Just don’t trust. I honestly can’t because any time I have, no matter what the situation, it has been nothing but a disappointment. Just don’t trust. Don’t hope. Nothing.

So the woman who gave thoughts and prayers…well…maybe that sounds nice and Christian. It wasn’t. It was condescending, demoralizing and a way to brush off a negative situation she didn’t want to deal with. So she can keep her thoughts and prayers for herself. I don’t want or need them.

Maybe someone who really cares will pray for me. Or maybe one day I will feel like praying for myself. But today is not the day

Dear Mama

Dear Mama,

Fifty years ago you were in the hospital ready to give birth to me. It was your birthday. It turned out to be mine, too. Thank you for sharing your special day with me.

You told me so many times throughout our time together that I was the best birthday present you ever got. You were my best present, too. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never loved anyone like you.

The bond we had was like no other. Often it was codependent, but it also served its purpose. You helped me and I helped you. While boundaries were often blurred, we made things work. We loved hard and fought hard; and, in the end, we always knew, no matter what, we loved each other. I would have walked through fire for you. I often went to battle for you. And while I still have some of the scars, I would do it again.

This birthday of mine is so bittersweet. They all are. But this one…it’s been a hard year, Mama. 49 was just so hard. A lot of people thought I was scared of turning 50. Not at all. I was scared I wouldn’t. I feel like I have held my breath since January 6, 2020. I was hoping and praying I would survive my 49th year. I was so scared history would repeat itself. I was so scared I wouldn’t make it to my 50th just like you didn’t. There were a few times I came close to not making it.

So I am 50. I don’t know how to do 50. I never got to watch you. I will do the best I can. But I wish so much you’d gotten to 50. To 60. To 70. And now to 74. I wish that we were celebrating together. This is our 24th birthday apart. I miss you every single day. I talk about you all the time. You’re never just a memory. You’re more than in my DNA. You’re in my heart and soul. I miss you. A piece of me is missing because you aren’t here.

Remember what I used to ask you?

Me: Do you love me, Mama?

You: Yes, Amy.

Me: How much?

You: Too much, Amy.

Mama, I love you too much. Happy birthday to us!

Love,

amyamy

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