survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

If Only

If only life was like the movies I watch. I watch and see all of these happy endings. It gives hope. Is it false? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I watch these movies with crazy plot twists. Good usually overcomes evil. Love conquers all. There is a happily ever after.

I have also seen others in real life achieve it. But is it possible for me? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. If only.

There are promises all through the Bible about God giving us the desires of our hearts  and having a plan for us. I believe that. But there are times when I doubt for myself. I have believed and then had life blow up in my face. I know we have all hurt. I know. But when you have trusted and believed and honestly thought you had it right finally and it was a lie, it just makes you doubt everything.

I’m trying. I’m moving forward and doing what I should. Doing all the right things. I was before, too, though. I guess the only thing I can do is keep doing it and hoping and praying and keep doing what I know is right. Let go of the hurts and hold on to the promises of God. In the meantime, I’ll go back to being a nun who wears lipstick and doesn’t wear a habit.

Maybe life will all fall together. If only.

I’m Not As Good As I Once Was

I am older but I am still me. I’ve been kicked around by life so many times that I think I have permanent bruises. But the thing about me is that I am resilient. I’m like that bad penny that keeps showing up. I just won’t go away and I keep coming back. I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was is the way Toby Keith put it.

I have been feeling down and out lately as some of you know. But tonight I decided to take a bad situation and make some lemonade. My power was going off and on and I looked out and the power company had some good-looking guys out there working. So I moseyed outside to find out what was going on. I joked and flirted for a bit and came back inside feeling a little more confident. I don’t normally flirt with strangers but I figured why not? Nothing to lose and I could gain my electricity! So I got a nice ego boost and my electricity back on.

Not too shabby for a chick whose had the crap kicked out of her lately. Yay me! Progress! Turns out that the natural flirt in me was like Lazarus. She was raised from the dead. Do I plan to do that regularly? No. but once in a while won’t hurt.

Long Time Gone

I was gone too long from home. Going back to Alabama this weekend was just what I needed. I cried so much this weekend but it was cathartic. Many of those tears were tears of joy.

I went home because my aunt almost died last Wednesday. She rallied and is better. She is still nowhere near 100%. She is very ill and she is elderly. It’s not good. But she was talking when I got there and she knew me. She was confused, though. She asked me was I still married. No. I have been divorced 16 years. She laughed and said good. We all laughed at that.You find the humor where you can. She said some funny things in her confusion which was also really sad. But you focus on the good of it.That’s all you can do in hard times.

I had lost all of my childhood pictures years ago and another aunt was generous enough to share hers with me. I cried like a baby. I have pictures of me with my parents and other family members that are so precious. It broke my heart and made me so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I made everyone cry because I just couldn’t stop crying at first. The first pictures I saw had me sobbing.

I saw cousins and aunts and an uncle I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was blown away with how much love a heart can hold. It was amazing. I knew I loved them, but my heart was overflowing with love.

This morning I met with one of my oldest friends who I haven’t seen in 23 years. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and the one of the very best men of my generation I have ever met. I’m glad to have him as my best male friend. We got to meet for a quick breakfast and the only change in him is that he has gotten wiser and kinder with age. He told me I was still pretty and I actually believed it for a minute. I hugged him today for the first time in forever and it was like a time machine. I didn’t want to let go. It was as if I had gone back in time and hadn’t made all of the stupid mistakes in life, still had all of the people in my life that I had lost and I felt loved and safe. Who would want to let that go? Unfortunately, I had to. And thankfully for him, I only teared up a little. I couldn’t watch him drive away or I would have burst into tears. I had already cried so much that I just couldn’t do it.

I hit the road and drove through my hometown of Huntsville, Alabama and just soaked it in. I thought about the what-ifs of never having left and all of that. I love that place. My heart ached as I drove east towards Chattanooga. But I kept driving. It was an easy drive. I was happy to see the signs for Asheville, North Carolina, though. I have missed my mountains and my precious cats. It was good to get home here but I do miss home there.

Praying I can make another trip this summer or fall. I need it.

Home

Home. Nostalgia. I think of You Can’t Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe. Can you? Is home ever the same?

It seems I only go home for death and funerals. I had a trip planned with my ex where we were going to visit my family for fun. Instead, this weekend I am going home because of my sick aunt. I am very worried about her and sad. It brings up a lot of memories.

I haven’t been home in several years. I haven’t had the money or time off from work. Now I do.I need to go. I think I need it not only for my aunt but for me. I need to clear my clouded head. I need to feel love and support from my family. I need those familiar people who know what a screw up I am but love me anyway. Those people who will hug me and laugh and cry with me at the same time. Who understand my tears. I have so many. I am a crier and they know it. I can cry on a dime. They know I’m a tender-heart and admonish me for it but know it is who I am. They know all of my hurts and know that I’m scarred and blemished and that is what makes me Amy. And I can’t help it.

I need home right now. My heart needs it. My head needs it. My soul needs it.

I think that while everything will always change, home will always be home.

Update to Dating

I thought I would move forward like a man would. I just can’t. My heart isn’t like a man’s. I’m not ready to date. For now I’ll just let my heart mend. I have been asked out by a few guys and it just didn’t feel right. It’s not fair to them and I didn’t feel comfortable. So it’s best for now not to. I guess he meant more to me than I meant to him. Seems that is the way it goes in most cases anyway.

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