survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Life Laughed

trust-issues-quotes-1

It seems that when I think I get things right that life has something else in store for me. And it laughs at me for ever having thought that I had it right to begin with. You stupid woman! Why would you ever think you could win at this game? (sadistic laughter in the background)

Something or someone will inevitably be wrong. I will have misjudged someone and let my guard down. Since I keep walls around me up like a fortress, letting them down is hard. When I let them down, you have to be someone I trust and/or love. If that trust is broken, those walls go back up at warp speed and are unlikely to come back down for a very long time. If they do, there will be a lot of apologizing and then a lot of showing me that the apology meant something. Words are nothing without actions.

I have also been in a situation where I didn’t realize until too late that it wasn’t what it was supposed to be until too late. I usually try to make the best of it until I can make my escape. Sometimes it is worth speaking with the person who mislead me but most times not. Most times that person honestly doesn’t give a shit that they did something immoral. All I can do is chalk it up to a lesson learned.

While these things do happen, I cant be so jaded that I keep myself closed off forever. A piece of me wants to. Maybe I would never get hurt if I did that. But then I would be hurt from trying to not get hurt. It’s a catch 22.

Feelings

I hate feelings sometimes. You’d think after all these years on this earth I would be used to them. Or at least come to terms with them. Up, down, happy, sad, indifferent…feelings are like a roller coaster. The same person can elicit multiple emotions from me–within a matter of minutes. I hate that. Consistency would be nice. I love this person. I hate that person. Plain and simple. No. Nothing in life is plain and simple.

So today I am tired of feelings. This week mine have been all over the place. I don’t like that. Mostly they have been hurt or kinda down. I know I can’t laugh and be happy all the time. It is just that I spent so many years on the dark side of feelings that I started enjoying the light side. I want to stay in that place.

Loving a Strong-willed Woman

Loving a strong-willed woman is not easy. I know this because I am one. I am opinionated, caring, unruly and driven by my head and heart at the same time. There are certain things and people who I am absolutely passionate about. When I feel passionate enough to express it, you’ll know I truly care.

There are many factors on why I am so strong-willed. First, I am an only child. I have always been independent. Second, my mother instilled even more independence in me. In fact, she encouraged my sassy mouth and free-thinking. She didn’t want me to get run over by life. (I have many times, but I know how to come back swinging.)Third, there were times when being strong-willed was the only way I could be heard. People don’t listen to someone who whispers how they feel. I would rather just say how I feel but that doesn’t always work either. Sometimes you just have to say it loud.

So how does one love someone like me? It’s really not that hard. Value who and what I am. When I say I need or want something within reason, if it is in your power to give it to me then give it. What I usually ask for is time and attention. And I’m not talking constant, needy attention. I need a meaningful conversation. I need hugs. I need laughter. These are the things I thrive on. Sometimes I need advice. Sometimes I might even use it! I also like little things to show me that I am cared for. I don’t need or want extravagant presents. I like a thoughtful note or a silly/caring text for no reason. Presents are nice, too. If you remember that I love Pop Rocks and out of the blue you pick some up for me, that touches my heart way more than something big and fancy. Why? Little things matter.

Lastly,¬†realize that if you love me and I give love back that you will be blessed with an ally. I love hard. When you’re one of “mine” then I will love and fight for you as if I was fighting for myself–probably more so. I love strong and hard. Most strong-willed women are just like me. We are fierce and we give everything we have back.

I think it is better to love a strong-willed woman than a fly-by-night one. With a strong-willed woman, you get someone who will walk through fire for you. The fly-by-night kind will run at the slightest problem.

Expectations

Sometimes we have expectations of people or things and end up let down. I know that I have tried in life to not expect much because I ended up getting hurt. I figure if ¬†you have no expectations that if something good happens, then that is like a surprise or something. If something bad happens, then it must be Murphy’s Law. Something bad is bound to happen at some point.

That’s why sometimes I don’t like to let myself get too comfortable in anything good. I get scared that a shoe is going to drop. Something may happen where I don’t have the explanation for it but it hurt my feelings anyway. To be such a hard-ass at times, I am really a tender-heart to the core. Someone can look at me wrong, say something hurtful or just flat out ignore me and my heart is hurt. And yes, I have jumped the gun and reacted before knowing the whole story. But when it comes to my heart, that happens sometimes. I can react emotionally.

But it makes me wonder if it is better to have no expectations or not. For the longest I had none because I had just shut down. I didn’t want to expect anything because all I got was bad. Then when I began expecting things. Just a little bit here and there. And it hurt when those expectations weren’t met. I am not sure what to do in situations like that. How do you clarify what you want, need and expect without sounding like a whiny brat?

It’s a fine line to walk. I’m not good at tight ropes.

Understanding Men?!

So honey and I were at odds. I went to Goodwill and was browsing their books and saw one that caught my eye. Tim La Haye wrote “Understanding the Male Temperament”. I thought it sounded good. I didn’t bother to check how long ago it was written. Shouldn’t the same principles hold true? You’d think.

So I was reading this book and could tell it was old. (1977 BTW) Then I read something that had me giggling. And I do mean giggling. This Christian author was waxing poetically about Bruce Jenner (AKA Caitlyn Jenner).

“The 1970s have introduced real live heroes like Bruce Jenner, the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion. To gain his coveted award of being considered the greatest living athlete, he trained six hours a day for the ten months preceding the Olympics.” Many other modern-day heroes come to mind readily–O.J. Simpson, who regularly leaps out of Hertz rental cars into our living rooms;”

Since O.J. possibly (wink-wink) killed his wife and her friend and Bruce is now Caitlyn, I don’t think these two men are any that I care to understand. I’m throwing this book out. I wonder, though, if Tim LaHaye realizes how antiquated this book is? I mean, this is pretty bad. And funny.

So the way I understood honey? I point-blank laid it out and asked. I told what I thought. He told what he thought. We saw where it went off the rails and got that baby back on track.

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