survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Finding your people

There are some people that you meet in life that you know that you were meant to meet. They’re your people. Whether it’s a friend, a girlfriend, a boyfriend or a lover. You know that they’re destined to be in your life. They may not stay in your life forever. But for some amount of time they are in your life. And there is a reason for it.

I have had friends in my life that have been around for over 30 years. These friends have stuck by me through crazy relationships and terrible loss. They have loved me through tears and try to make me laugh when I thought that there was no laughter to be had. They have given me shelter and love when I felt like nobody would ever love me.

There have also been the people that have struck a nerve in me where I had no understanding of what it was about that person that resonated within me so deeply. For instance there’s been a man who if you looked at us separately you would think that there was no common denominator. There is nothing similar about us and yet… It’s this type of feeling and magnetism that is indescribable. Sometimes the best people to have around you are the ones who do have such big differences. Sometimes their differences are the opposite but yet exactly what you need. It balances you out. And we all need balance.

Then there have been the people in my life who have been the lessons. They were destined to be in my life for some reason and a few of those people have been lessons as to what I need to avoid or what I need to avoid becoming. They were people who were short term. Some of them were actually even friends for a brief amount of time. Sometimes there was no big argument, but rather it just went away.

I learned that not everyone in your life is supposed to be permanent. This life is not necessarily about permanency. It’s ever-changing. But there are also some people who will be with you until the end if you’re very lucky. And I am very lucky that I have a few of those.

I do hope to have one day the man in my life that will be the balance. I need that. We all need balance. The yin and yang. Some people want to find someone who is exactly like them and that is exactly what I don’t want to find. I need someone who will understand my tears and wipe them away and who will be the calm in the storm. I need someone who understands that I need to express myself artistically. I need someone who understands that I am an idea person and I am going to dream up 50 million ideas that may or may not come to fruition but yet I still like to dream. And I also need that person to understand that I still have these other people in my life that are as crazy as me and that they are my people. I love them. And if I find the right person the people that love me will love him as much. Because they have been waiting on this person as long as I have. Because they want nothing but the best for me.

It’s important to find your people. Your heart will recognize them. Trust your heart.

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Back to basics

So I have decided it’s time to get back to basics. This includes throwing in some real work out time to my schedule.

Before I moved here I was working 7 days a week and was kind of exhausted all the time. Now I have more time and I’m not quite so exhausted. So I have decided that it would be beneficial to start attempting to work out. I thankfully have a dear friend who is in the beginning stages of doing this as well. So we are going to be each other’s support and probably comic relief in this adventure.

I’m grateful that she has a gym membership where she can bring someone with her. That way I get to do this craziness for free. And the gym is only about 10 minutes from my house so that is a definite plus.

I know it will be beneficial to me in a lot of ways. But I will tell you I’m a little bit scared. I haven’t been to a gym in I don’t know how long. So that is intimidating. That’s why I’m very grateful that my friend is going with me. She’s crazy as all get-out so I know that it should be very entertaining and interesting at the same time.

So that’s today’s news. I’ll keep you updated and let you know if I fell off the treadmill or anything. And don’t laugh because it is definitely a very real possibility.

A Visit With My Parents

Today I went to visit my parents. I didn’t know if I could find them because it has been so long since I went to see them. Over a decade. Somehow my heart was racing while in my throat. I don’t know how that happens. But it did. I was anxious going there. I hate where they are.

When I pulled through the cemetery gates, I began crying. It was overwhelming. I saw two tents up and immediately felt pain for the families who were experiencing the same grief I went through 22 years ago. I grieved for myself and I grieved for them. I hate that anyone would know such heartache.

I parked under the shade of the oak trees and tried to compose myself. I looked around before getting out to see who might see my visible grief. There was no one else around. Thank God! I was scared I wouldn’t remember where they were, but I walked straight to the spot. Thankfully my cousin has been wonderful at putting flowers there and she made it easy for me to find.

I didn’t know what to do once there. There was no bench or anything so I sat on the ground and sobbed. While I was there to visit with them, I knew they weren’t there. But I talked to them anyway. I told them so many things that I wanted to say for so long. I don’t know why it was so significant to say it there. Again, they weren’t there. They have been gone for what seems forever. But I told them anyway. I told them my secrets. I told them how I loved and missed them. I asked for their forgiveness.

I needed a hug but there were no hugs to be given. But there was warm sunshine beating down on me and the wind blowing through the leaves. It was almost if they were telling me they loved me, too. Almost. But they weren’t. So I sat there in the sunshine and let the breeze blow around me. I listened to the rustle of the leaves in the wind.

I sat there a bit longer in quiet. I didn’t have anything else to say. A one-sided conversation is difficult. I left feeling better that I faced my fear of that dreaded place. I still want and need my parents. But I’m ok. I love them. I have forever and I will forever.

Just for Today

Today I will focus on what is happening only today. I won’t worry about the future. I won’t worry about the past. I will only think about the things I am doing on this very day.

I won’t focus on today tomorrow. I will focus on tomorrow tomorrow. I have spent so much time worrying about the past and the future. There have been times that I have essentially robbed myself of positive moments of the current day because of all of the yesterdays and tomorrows. I can dream and think of future things. That’s part of the beauty of life. We all want something–whatever it may be. But robbing yourself of life’s joy because of worry is such a waste of life’s precious time.¬†We have a finite amount of time on this earth.

While every moment will most likely not be joyous, we should not bring about any unnecessary negativity. Some people live in the moment so easily and others struggle. I am someone who overthinks. Why do you think I have to get some of these thoughts out here? That’s why I am trying to constantly improve myself.

I know this life is precious. I value it. I want the best it has to offer and I want to be the best I can be. My time on this earth was not meant to worry. I believe my purpose is to love and help others. It’s my calling in life. I may not have much, but I can give what I can. That is why I need to focus myself so that I can give of myself rather than staying inside my own head. When I am inside my head, I don’t leave time or energy to give of my heart.

So today I am focusing on today. I can’t change the past. I can only work on what I can do today.

Here’s the thing

The thing is lately I have been very frustrated with quite a few things. The job that I took has not turned out to be exactly what was explained to me. And that has caused some frustration. My hours are all over the place. I have to look at the schedule everyday to figure out when I’m supposed to be at work. I realize that sometimes work hours will change but I don’t feel like everyday should be different. I honestly never know when I’m supposed to be there. This Monday I went in 30 minutes early because of the crazy schedule. That’s frustrating.

I’m also been a little disappointed with a few people in my life. There’s been one person who has said some things that made me question quite a few things. And everytime I try to nail this person down to get some answers all I got was more questions. He’s very evasive. I don’t like that type of behavior. I’ve dealt with it all of my life and I’ve decided that at this point in life that I really don’t need that. If you can’t just say what you mean and mean what you say then there’s no point in saying anything at all.

Then on the other hand there is someone who is paying way too much attention to me. I’ve actually had to tell him to back off. He was blowing up my phone and it was just more than I wanted to deal with. And rather than him looking at the situation and saying oh maybe I should chill out a little bit he was more like well what’s your problem? Well, my problem, sir, is the fact that you’re being an overbearing asshole. So back the hell off.

Another thing is that I’ve just been plain old homesick. Well I’m in my hometown, my other home is in North Carolina. Today I got a message from one of my old best friends and she was escaping the hurricane and she went to Asheville. We both felt like it was the weirdest thing that she was there and I wasn’t. She text me while I was at work and it was all I could do to not just start crying at work because there she was where I’ve been longing to be for the last week. And it just kind of hit that here I am where I’ve been wanting to be for years and yet I’m longing to be there. And I know that part of the reason I want to be there is not good for me. But that doesn’t stop that little piece of me from wanting it. So instead of crying at work I sent her the names of places to go eat and things to do while she’s there.

So those are some of the things that I’ve been dealing with. It’s not just one thing. It’s several. I can typically handle one thing at a time but when it starts adding up to be multiple things sometimes I get a little overwhelmed and my feelings get a little in the way. I can’t help I have a tender heart.

So there’s the thing or actually things.

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