the ups and downs of life

Hurry Up Holidays!

I want the holidays to hurry up and be done. I hate this time of year. It’s funny…I like to do some of the things of the holiday season such as participate in Operation Christmas Child or buy a gift or two for Toys for Tots, but the rest of it I just wish would go away.

Why? It hurts. When you’re no longer a part of a family, it just hurts. I have people who I can connect with and I’m appreciative. I truly am. I am blessed! Some people have no one. So I hate to feel the way I do. But seeing all of the joy of the families brings back so many memories. Even though Thanksgiving isn’t officially here yet, I feel that ache already. It starts slowly and builds like a crescendo. Slowly the music becomes louder until it is almost deafening. That is how the pain of the holidays is.

I have said that 2015 is my year. So far it has been. I have done so many things that seemed impossible. So maybe surviving the holidays with minimal pain will be one. I sure hope. I am doing what I can to stop it. It is just a powerful thing that is quite emotionally charged.

I just wish they were over.


We all make some sort of judgment about someone every day. We’re human; it’s going to happen. But we can try our best to stop it. When  we notice that ugliness inside of us starting to criticize or pick apart someone else, shut those thoughts down! You can choose to think about something else. Or if you can’t get whatever or whoever out of your mind, maybe say, “Who knows what they’ve gone through to get to this point?” Because honestly, do you  know what led them to that point?

None of us are perfect. And yes, we have all screwed up at some point or another. Aren’t you glad that you were able to get up and keep going? What if people kept pushing you down and tearing you apart? Some people do get treated that way. So how about not treating someone that way?

Maybe we should try to think a little more like Jesus. Matthew 7:1-5: “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and [a]by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how [b]can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Yes, we have to have discernment in life, but that doesn’t mean we should go around pointing out other people’s flaws. Get your own life perfect and maybe just maybe you have room to judge. But probably not. And discernment and judgment are completely different. Discernment is recognizing something and making a decision about whether it is good for you to do or not to do. Judgment is you actively judging another person’s actions in life. You need to realize that is God’s job. Let God do His job. He knows what He’s doing…I promise.

Circles of Friends

As an adult I have come to value relationships more and more. I kind of view my relationships like concentric circles. There are those people who are close to the center (me) that are really close friends. The next circle are friends who are kinda close but aren’t as close and so on and so forth. The further you get out, the less close we are. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just life. We can’t be BFF with everyone in life. Even Psalms reminds us to guard our hearts (Psalms 4:23).

So over the years I have been somewhat ok about guarding my heart. I have let some people in who I shouldn’t. I think that is part of life and a learning experience. I have also let some in who went from a further circle and made their way closer. That is always a nice feeling when someone cared enough that they moved forward.

What happens, though, when someone shuts you out and you really care about this person and they are in one of the tight circles? They haven’t left, won’t go and you have tried everything you know. Do you just ignore them? Act like they never existed because that is how they’re treating you? It is a situation I am dealing with now. I still care about this person and have done all I can and will do at this point. I won’t apologize anymore because I have tried and it has fallen on deaf ears. I have reached out and have been treated as if I was dead. But yet this person doesn’t want to remove themselves from my circle completely. My thing is that you’re either in or out. If this person truly doesn’t want me in their lives, then why are they not exiting mine? I put the ball in their court and they refuse to do anything with it. I hate that I am the one who is being made to look and feel bad over something I have tried to rectify. The funny thing is that this person gave me advice a while back to cut all ties with another person who did something similar but I was involved with in a different way.

Relationships aren’t easy, whether they’re friendship or romantic. It’s not easy making decisions regarding them. It’s not easy to quit caring when you actually still do.

It’s a Process…I Flirted

So I went through the crying and despair. I went through anger. And while it still hurts, I’m allowing myself to try to move forward. I flirted today. It wasn’t much of anything but it was something. It was better than looking down at my shoes or focusing solely on the items I needed at the store. There was a joke, smile and laughter. We went our separate ways and I felt good about myself. It was a step in the right direction. I was proud of myself.

Baby steps, right? It’s a process.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

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