PTSD is its own thing. It does whatever it wants, whenever it wants. It’s a part of you. It has the personality of a lion. It likes to lie around and be lazy at times and then at other times it will come out roaring loudly. You can’t make it shut up. And it can be scary as hell. And unless you have PTSD, you have no clue how hard it can be to try to tame.
How do I know all of this? I have PTSD. There have been quite a few traumatic events in my life. I won’t go into all the details of all of them. But let’s just say that my lion is fat and sassy and louder than any noise I have ever known.
I moved back to my hometown for economic reasons this last year. And there has been good and bad from the move. There’s always good and bad to any situation. But the really bad about this is that it has opened my lion’s cage. It has roared a lot.
I have had to isolate to deal with my PTSD. I have been doing well enough to function and be able to work. I haven’t really told my friends or family about it because, as I have most of my life, I deal with shit and get through it. It’s part of the whole only child thing as well as I have always just had to take care of myself because that’s how it is.
Here’s the thing for me…when I moved here, it was hard. Overwhelming even. People think oh it’s great you’re moving home. It is and was. But when you left here after the traumatic deaths of your entire immediate family and you come back two decades later, it is a lot to deal with. Add to that the fact that you left a lot to come here.
Now it is June 1st. For the past few months I have been dealing with emotional stressors that I have told no one about. I don’t like dealing with panic attacks when I have to think about going to the cemetery. I don’t like thinking about Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, anniversaries and all that crap. I’m trying to get to the point where driving by the cemetery doesn’t make me hyperventilate.
And I am also trying to readjust to friendships and family. I haven’t dealt with family in years because I was gone. I am reacquainting with old friends, making new ones and trying to deal with old ones. It’s a lot to handle. And it is very frustrating and hurtful when you’re being told that you aren’t good enough and aren’t doing things the way you should. I am doing the best I can. I’m trying to just survive at the moment. And if people can’t bear with me, then I’m really sorry. Maybe they need to have some compassion and realize I’ve been trying to do everything to not fall apart.
So thank you PTSD. You’ve handed me a lot of shit to deal with. But I’ve got this. I always do. Whether it is on my own or not.