survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “work”

Nobody Told Me

Nobody told me that this whole grown up thing was a sham. It really is. Bills, work, relationships. Bills keep getting bigger and I keep getting less for what I pay for. I work like crazy trying to pay for those crazy bills.

And then there’s the relationships. Sometimes I wonder why bother trying. I was recently in one for a few months. He loved me he said. He wanted to marry me he said. Then he didn’t he said. I felt a little like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The breakup wasn’t on a post it. No, it was in a text. Yes, you read that right. A text. I was upset on many levels. Hurt, yes. Angry, absolutely! If you’re going to do something like that, have the courage to do it in person. That is just being a coward. And don’t pretend things are fine two days prior to the breakup. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

So after all of that nonsense, I’m moving forward with my life. It’s funny. I’m doing things I didn’t imagine I would. I am following my dreams for a change. I’m trying life out and being as brave as I can. I’m grateful for my faith in God and  I’m grateful for my supportive friends who have been there through the ups and downs.

 

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What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year at this time I was absolutely miserable. I hated just about everything in my life and was hopeless. I kept plugging along, though, with that grain of a mustard seed hope. Just enough to keep me going. I didn’t know if anything would seriously change, but I truly wanted it to. I kept praying for a miracle and finally I told God that 2015 just had to be my year. It had to because everything else had just sucked.

2015 started off with a bang. I had an interview for a wonderful job on my birthday in January and got it. I started two weeks later. I met wonderful people who I could actually call friends. I was able to start the Weight Watchers program at work immediately and start reclaiming my life. I began to feel like I mattered again. I felt like Amy. I don’t know if any of you remember the movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” but I felt like I was getting my groove back in life in general. Things were making sense again. Life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have Taye Diggs but I was feeling more content being Amy. I was beginning to feel alright about who and what I was.

During this time, I kept seeing my ex all over town. I live in a small town and the odds of that are likely, but over the last four years I have never run into him. I think in a way God was protecting me from it.As it happened during this time, I was fine. Actually I was more than fine; I was annoyed. There was no racing heart or loss of breath. It was more like the urge to slap away an annoying gnat that is in your way. I did pray about it and ask why after all of this time he was popping up all over the place. It was random places and non-stop it seemed. After careful prayer and meditation, I felt the answer was that he needed to see that I was happy and well and didn’t react upon seeing him. Most times I didn’t even recognize him until after the fact. I thanked God for that answer and then prayed more and told God that since I had moved on so well, why couldn’t he give me someone who would understand me and accept me? Why couldn’t someone find my quirks and flaws adorable and not annoying? Then through the most unlikely source, Facebook, I was just chatting with this guy who is a friend of a friend and he was hilarious. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We hit it off like gangbusters. He is from where I now live. He lives kinda where I am from. We talk daily. I have come to adore him. He drives me crazy and I want to yell at him at times. At other times I would hug him as hard as I could.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day and she was like, “Dang, Girl! You sound happy!” I smiled and said, “I am.” It felt so weird to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But it felt so good to say that I am happy. For years I felt as if I was walking with a rain cloud over my head.

2015 hasn’t been perfect but it is so drastically different than last year. I am grateful.

Ah December

What a month! I really don’t like this month. I feel chaotic, frustrated, sometimes depressed and sometimes forgotten. Work is at a pace that I wonder if I can keep up. There are days when I can barely keep up. We have more and more accounts starting. New employees who need constant supervision. It is chaotic to say the least. Most days I feel like screaming. I curse under my breath a lot.

Then of course with the holidays I start getting the depression thing. It’s just how it is. And it is such a Catch-22. You want to be with people and yet you don’t. You don’t want to take your holiday blues to others and possibly infect them. You’re afraid you can’t laugh because the holidays are painful.

And while you don’t want to be with people, you would like to talk to them some and they’re too busy with their own things. Again, a Catch-22. You get it and yet…

So what to do? Endure it. Wait for it to end. I try to find things that make me happy such as painting, movies, writing and my cats.

Mountainscape

When Bad Things Happen

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Life was getting better. I swear it was. Then BOOM! My car went haywire. It was bad. And then there was work drama because I am on call and had no transportation and blah blah blah. I was a ball of tears and many different emotions Sunday and Monday. When I am anxious and upset, I literally get sick. I can’t help it. I am just physically ill. This has been the story of my life. You’d think I’d be skinny with all the damned anxiety I have dealt with. LOL Alas, I am not, but I am working on it!

So when my car broke, it happened right in front of my house! That was a miracle. I mean, I drive at crazy hours. I was blessed it happened then. A nice man helped me and got it back in the spot. It was Sunday, though. No one open. So I then had to try to get to work because that was where I was headed. I was squalling like a baby calling them. Hyperventilating and everything. Full on panic attack! A coworker came and got me and we figured out a way home. OK. One problem down. Then there was the meltdown at work about the on call BS. OK. Fine. Done and over. Then I just wanted to cry. My coworkers rallied and got me laughing. I didn’t want to, though.

Then I took a moment for a break and realized how blessed I was. It happened in front of the house and I had immediate help. BLESSING! I got to and from work easily! Blessing! I had support. I had friends offering help immediately. I was not alone and that was a major BLESSING! So I feel like when bad things happen we need to stop and reassess. What good came out of it? We can dwell on the shittiness of it. Yeah, it was pretty crappy and I was sick as a dog.

Then today, after all of this, I found out that it was NOT my transmission. It was something from work previously done and, therefore, covered COMPLETELY! My car should be fixed and back to me tomorrow. Guess what! Another B-L-E-S-S-I-N-G!

What if I had sat there and said, “Poor me!” I didn’t. I did cry but then I sucked it up and got through it. I couldn’t eat, but anxiety helps me lose weight. Blessing? I don’t know.  Beneficial? Yeah. I focused hard on work and got so much accomplished! It was crazy! I still have more to do. But it is all good! God blessed me! I hope I am a blessing to others at some point in life. I really do. I feel like my life has been upside down so many times and I have felt overwhelmed because I was alone. This time I was not alone. I had help. It was awesome to have people care. I love my friends so much for all they did. Their kind words and helpfulness was exactly what I needed!

Ahhhh

My day off! Ahhhh….so nice to have a day off. I realized I have seen the inside of my workplace every day for 20 days. No wonder I have been burnt out! I was wondering why I was so tired and just ready to run away. That would be why. They way it works is I get off at 7 a.m. on Sunday morning and I have to go back Tuesday night. So there is only one day I have off really. For the last two weeks I have meetings there on my day off. So I have  been there every day for 20 days. It can be a little much. I have been frustrated to say the least.

I have also had lots of things on my mind. New and old things have come up that have made me do some thinking. I just need time to think. It’s not easy to deal with life when you’re at work all the time. So a day or two off is nice to actually deal with things. And to just have time to THINK!

I just don’t think we were wired to go 24/7. I mean, God even took a break. If He needs one, I think I really need one. I am not nearly as strong as Him!

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