survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the month “June, 2013”

Save Yourself

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. – Ann Landers

I have a friend who likes to live drama. You’d think it is a female. You’d be thinking wrong. He has had volatile relationships off and on for years. I have known him for 6 years. I was an almost dramatic relationship. We dated briefly. Thank God we both realized that wasn’t a good thing.

Anyway, I do care about this person but he has walked away from this most recent dramatic relationship and it seemed for the best. Now, though, he is regretting it. I don’t necessarily think it is about losing her. I think it is about being alone. He doesn’t like being alone. It drives him nuts. He can’t stand being alone with his thoughts and feelings so it is much easier to get all codependent with someone else and get in these unhealthy, dramatic relationships.

I don’t know if he will read this. Whatever. But I hope if anyone else does that they realize that holding on to something isn’t strength all the time. Sometimes the biggest strength is walking away. I have had to do that. I made the decision to tell a man I loved that I couldn’t allow the way he wanted to live to be a part of my life. I knew it would end our relationship, but I had to save myself. Sometimes you have to be alone in order to save yourself.

Crossroads

I was thinking about this and thought I should reblog it.

survivingmiddleage

‎”We know we’re coming full circle with God when we stand at a very similar crossroad where we made such a mess of life before, but this time we take a different road.”Beth Moore

I saw this quote this morning and was touched. How many times have we gone what seems to be round and round and come back to the same spot? It seems so simple to say that we need to do something different yet many of us don’t.

Change of any sort is hard. But so is making the same mistakes over and over. Have you ever done that and ended up asking yourself, “Why? Why did I do that?” Most of the time the answer is pretty easy. It is a lot easier to do what is familiar than it is to do something unfamiliar.

Change is not only hard, but it is scary…

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Does It Ever End?

candlelight

In Memory 

Grief. Does it ever end? I think it must depend on the level of the relationship. The grief I am writing about is the loss of my mother. She died 17 years ago today. A part of me died 17  years ago as well. I have never fully recovered. It was a shocking, unexpected death. It was the most traumatic day of my life.

People tell me to do something to honor her memory. I do so every day. I keep breathing. That is honoring her memory. I wanted to die that day. I have wanted to die several days since then. So keeping on breathing is honoring her.

People wonder why it still is so painful and devastating so many years later. We had a bond that was more than I can describe. We were mother and daughter. We were friends. We were enemies. We were co-dependent. We were a piece of each other. She knew my secrets and I knew most of hers. I have since found out the rest of them since her passing and they made the pieces of the puzzle fit.

I have missed this woman every day since she passed. I have missed myself every day since she passed. I lost my mother. I lost myself. I am a fraction of who I was. I once laughed with abandonment. Now I am filled with fear of abandonment. The loss of my mother was the beginning of a snowball effect that has never seemed to stop. It was the beginning of so many losses.

June 10, 1996. I hate that date. It feels as if it sealed my fate. I know that isn’t true. I have fought that ever since then and it feels like a fight that has been mostly alone. Some days I have been so mentally and physically tired from it and other days the adrenaline from the anger has pushed me to keep fighting like hell.

I still miss my mother. I will until the end of time. Mama, I love you.

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