survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “family”

Long Time Gone

I was gone too long from home. Going back to Alabama this weekend was just what I needed. I cried so much this weekend but it was cathartic. Many of those tears were tears of joy.

I went home because my aunt almost died last Wednesday. She rallied and is better. She is still nowhere near 100%. She is very ill and she is elderly. It’s not good. But she was talking when I got there and she knew me. She was confused, though. She asked me was I still married. No. I have been divorced 16 years. She laughed and said good. We all laughed at that.You find the humor where you can. She said some funny things in her confusion which was also really sad. But you focus on the good of it.That’s all you can do in hard times.

I had lost all of my childhood pictures years ago and another aunt was generous enough to share hers with me. I cried like a baby. I have pictures of me with my parents and other family members that are so precious. It broke my heart and made me so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I made everyone cry because I just couldn’t stop crying at first. The first pictures I saw had me sobbing.

I saw cousins and aunts and an uncle I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was blown away with how much love a heart can hold. It was amazing. I knew I loved them, but my heart was overflowing with love.

This morning I met with one of my oldest friends who I haven’t seen in 23 years. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and the one of the very best men of my generation I have ever met. I’m glad to have him as my best male friend. We got to meet for a quick breakfast and the only change in him is that he has gotten wiser and kinder with age. He told me I was still pretty and I actually believed it for a minute. I hugged him today for the first time in forever and it was like a time machine. I didn’t want to let go. It was as if I had gone back in time and hadn’t made all of the stupid mistakes in life, still had all of the people in my life that I had lost and I felt loved and safe. Who would want to let that go? Unfortunately, I had to. And thankfully for him, I only teared up a little. I couldn’t watch him drive away or I would have burst into tears. I had already cried so much that I just couldn’t do it.

I hit the road and drove through my hometown of Huntsville, Alabama and just soaked it in. I thought about the what-ifs of never having left and all of that. I love that place. My heart ached as I drove east towards Chattanooga. But I kept driving. It was an easy drive. I was happy to see the signs for Asheville, North Carolina, though. I have missed my mountains and my precious cats. It was good to get home here but I do miss home there.

Praying I can make another trip this summer or fall. I need it.

Home

Home. Nostalgia. I think of You Can’t Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe. Can you? Is home ever the same?

It seems I only go home for death and funerals. I had a trip planned with my ex where we were going to visit my family for fun. Instead, this weekend I am going home because of my sick aunt. I am very worried about her and sad. It brings up a lot of memories.

I haven’t been home in several years. I haven’t had the money or time off from work. Now I do.I need to go. I think I need it not only for my aunt but for me. I need to clear my clouded head. I need to feel love and support from my family. I need those familiar people who know what a screw up I am but love me anyway. Those people who will hug me and laugh and cry with me at the same time. Who understand my tears. I have so many. I am a crier and they know it. I can cry on a dime. They know I’m a tender-heart and admonish me for it but know it is who I am. They know all of my hurts and know that I’m scarred and blemished and that is what makes me Amy. And I can’t help it.

I need home right now. My heart needs it. My head needs it. My soul needs it.

I think that while everything will always change, home will always be home.

Thanks A Lot

For so many years I hated the holidays. I liked what Thanksgiving represented but it made me sad. It was the beginning of a season that I hated. This year I decided that I was going to make 2015 my year. Things were going to be better! Some how! Some way! It was going to be better!!!! With a lot of prayer and a lot of of getting out of my comfort zone, 2015 has been my year so far. It hasn’t been without its pitfalls and pain. But they were lessons that helped me be stronger. I got back up swinging.

So I am very thankful. I reconnected with my family, both blood and chosen. I was welcomed with open arms. I felt loved again. I got back in church. I have been dating someone who makes me smile more than I have in a long time. I have discovered what happy is. Happy scares me but I am enjoying it.

I have so much to be thankful for. Every little thing is something to give thanks for. I look back at all I have gone through and realize that while some of it was pretty terrible, I need to be more grateful in life. I have been working on that. It is hard at times, but it really makes a difference.

Hurry Up Holidays!

I want the holidays to hurry up and be done. I hate this time of year. It’s funny…I like to do some of the things of the holiday season such as participate in Operation Christmas Child or buy a gift or two for Toys for Tots, but the rest of it I just wish would go away.

Why? It hurts. When you’re no longer a part of a family, it just hurts. I have people who I can connect with and I’m appreciative. I truly am. I am blessed! Some people have no one. So I hate to feel the way I do. But seeing all of the joy of the families brings back so many memories. Even though Thanksgiving isn’t officially here yet, I feel that ache already. It starts slowly and builds like a crescendo. Slowly the music becomes louder until it is almost deafening. That is how the pain of the holidays is.

I have said that 2015 is my year. So far it has been. I have done so many things that seemed impossible. So maybe surviving the holidays with minimal pain will be one. I sure hope. I am doing what I can to stop it. It is just a powerful thing that is quite emotionally charged.

I just wish they were over.

My Life as Job

There are times I feel like my life has been much like Job. Well, I didn’t have his family or riches. That might have been nice. But I had everything taken from me. My family, home, friends, etc. I won’t pretend to be blameless on every aspect. But I do love God and have begged and pleaded and prayed for restoration. So far that hasn’t come.

Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. There has been much controversy to her response. A part of me feels like she hurt so much watching him hurt that she just didn’t want him to suffer any longer. It’s hard watching someone you love hurt. Then Job’s friends came up and some were quite judgmental. “Job, you must be pretty bad to have had ALL THAT happen.” “Job, you got what you deserve, dude.” With friends like that, who needs enemies? The man is at his lowest and he is being told he deserves it. Wow.

I’ve been told that throughout my life in various situations. Even though it has happened before, it is still shocking and jarring to have it said. I have also heard the pat responses of “it’ll be ok.” I don’t know if things in life will be ok. So far they haven’t. I’m holding on to the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 and trying to believe that God knows the plans he has for me that are to prosper me and not for calamity. I have felt a lot like Calamity Amy for most of my life.

I heard a sermon today about God not being done with me yet. I hope He isn’t. It’s painful, though, because at this age, I have not felt calm and peace and real love. That is all I want. Is God going to give me that? That’s what I have been praying for since I was a kid.

I’m tired of feeling like Job. I pray that God will heal my heart, restore what he can that I have lost and give me calm, peace and real love.

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