survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “friends”

Long Time Gone

I was gone too long from home. Going back to Alabama this weekend was just what I needed. I cried so much this weekend but it was cathartic. Many of those tears were tears of joy.

I went home because my aunt almost died last Wednesday. She rallied and is better. She is still nowhere near 100%. She is very ill and she is elderly. It’s not good. But she was talking when I got there and she knew me. She was confused, though. She asked me was I still married. No. I have been divorced 16 years. She laughed and said good. We all laughed at that.You find the humor where you can. She said some funny things in her confusion which was also really sad. But you focus on the good of it.That’s all you can do in hard times.

I had lost all of my childhood pictures years ago and another aunt was generous enough to share hers with me. I cried like a baby. I have pictures of me with my parents and other family members that are so precious. It broke my heart and made me so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I made everyone cry because I just couldn’t stop crying at first. The first pictures I saw had me sobbing.

I saw cousins and aunts and an uncle I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was blown away with how much love a heart can hold. It was amazing. I knew I loved them, but my heart was overflowing with love.

This morning I met with one of my oldest friends who I haven’t seen in 23 years. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and the one of the very best men of my generation I have ever met. I’m glad to have him as my best male friend. We got to meet for a quick breakfast and the only change in him is that he has gotten wiser and kinder with age. He told me I was still pretty and I actually believed it for a minute. I hugged him today for the first time in forever and it was like a time machine. I didn’t want to let go. It was as if I had gone back in time and hadn’t made all of the stupid mistakes in life, still had all of the people in my life that I had lost and I felt loved and safe. Who would want to let that go? Unfortunately, I had to. And thankfully for him, I only teared up a little. I couldn’t watch him drive away or I would have burst into tears. I had already cried so much that I just couldn’t do it.

I hit the road and drove through my hometown of Huntsville, Alabama and just soaked it in. I thought about the what-ifs of never having left and all of that. I love that place. My heart ached as I drove east towards Chattanooga. But I kept driving. It was an easy drive. I was happy to see the signs for Asheville, North Carolina, though. I have missed my mountains and my precious cats. It was good to get home here but I do miss home there.

Praying I can make another trip this summer or fall. I need it.

Nobody Told Me

Nobody told me that this whole grown up thing was a sham. It really is. Bills, work, relationships. Bills keep getting bigger and I keep getting less for what I pay for. I work like crazy trying to pay for those crazy bills.

And then there’s the relationships. Sometimes I wonder why bother trying. I was recently in one for a few months. He loved me he said. He wanted to marry me he said. Then he didn’t he said. I felt a little like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The breakup wasn’t on a post it. No, it was in a text. Yes, you read that right. A text. I was upset on many levels. Hurt, yes. Angry, absolutely! If you’re going to do something like that, have the courage to do it in person. That is just being a coward. And don’t pretend things are fine two days prior to the breakup. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

So after all of that nonsense, I’m moving forward with my life. It’s funny. I’m doing things I didn’t imagine I would. I am following my dreams for a change. I’m trying life out and being as brave as I can. I’m grateful for my faith in God and  I’m grateful for my supportive friends who have been there through the ups and downs.

 

2015: A Personal Review

I went into 2015 with a lot pain and trying to believe it could get better. I am not the same person I was going into the year as I am now. That is a good thing!

I was at a point where I was unsure if life could get better. I prayed hard that I could find a new job and be able to make changes to feel better. Those prayers were answered! I found a job in a place where I am valued and have the chance to use my skills. I’m able to be involved and give input. I have regular hours. I have met wonderful people that I consider to be good friends. I have lost weight.

With all of this comes changes within myself. I had become a person I didn’t like. As I changed, I began to slowly become myself again. At first it was hard to recognize myself. Who was this woman who smiles and laughs? It was me! I can laugh! And I like to do it!!!! It felt good to be Amy again. I didn’t realize how much I missed myself.

I reacquainted myself with old friends. I found new friends. And I lost touch with some old friends. I hate that I lost touch with old friends. That hurt a lot. I tried to reconnect but sometimes you just have to wait on them and give them time or just accept that it is what it is. But it has been wonderful getting back in touch with old friends. And I have loved meeting new friends.

Then there was the whole dating thing. That was scary! There are some bad ones out there. But the good news is that there are some good ones, too! I was lucky enough to find a great one! He is a good man who I can’t say enough good things about.

2015 has been pretty good. There have been some bumps along the way. But you can’t appreciate the good without having some bad from time to time.

 

Circles of Friends

As an adult I have come to value relationships more and more. I kind of view my relationships like concentric circles. There are those people who are close to the center (me) that are really close friends. The next circle are friends who are kinda close but aren’t as close and so on and so forth. The further you get out, the less close we are. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just life. We can’t be BFF with everyone in life. Even Psalms reminds us to guard our hearts (Psalms 4:23).

So over the years I have been somewhat ok about guarding my heart. I have let some people in who I shouldn’t. I think that is part of life and a learning experience. I have also let some in who went from a further circle and made their way closer. That is always a nice feeling when someone cared enough that they moved forward.

What happens, though, when someone shuts you out and you really care about this person and they are in one of the tight circles? They haven’t left, won’t go and you have tried everything you know. Do you just ignore them? Act like they never existed because that is how they’re treating you? It is a situation I am dealing with now. I still care about this person and have done all I can and will do at this point. I won’t apologize anymore because I have tried and it has fallen on deaf ears. I have reached out and have been treated as if I was dead. But yet this person doesn’t want to remove themselves from my circle completely. My thing is that you’re either in or out. If this person truly doesn’t want me in their lives, then why are they not exiting mine? I put the ball in their court and they refuse to do anything with it. I hate that I am the one who is being made to look and feel bad over something I have tried to rectify. The funny thing is that this person gave me advice a while back to cut all ties with another person who did something similar but I was involved with in a different way.

Relationships aren’t easy, whether they’re friendship or romantic. It’s not easy making decisions regarding them. It’s not easy to quit caring when you actually still do.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

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