survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “friendships”

2015: A Personal Review

I went into 2015 with a lot pain and trying to believe it could get better. I am not the same person I was going into the year as I am now. That is a good thing!

I was at a point where I was unsure if life could get better. I prayed hard that I could find a new job and be able to make changes to feel better. Those prayers were answered! I found a job in a place where I am valued and have the chance to use my skills. I’m able to be involved and give input. I have regular hours. I have met wonderful people that I consider to be good friends. I have lost weight.

With all of this comes changes within myself. I had become a person I didn’t like. As I changed, I began to slowly become myself again. At first it was hard to recognize myself. Who was this woman who smiles and laughs? It was me! I can laugh! And I like to do it!!!! It felt good to be Amy again. I didn’t realize how much I missed myself.

I reacquainted myself with old friends. I found new friends. And I lost touch with some old friends. I hate that I lost touch with old friends. That hurt a lot. I tried to reconnect but sometimes you just have to wait on them and give them time or just accept that it is what it is. But it has been wonderful getting back in touch with old friends. And I have loved meeting new friends.

Then there was the whole dating thing. That was scary! There are some bad ones out there. But the good news is that there are some good ones, too! I was lucky enough to find a great one! He is a good man who I can’t say enough good things about.

2015 has been pretty good. There have been some bumps along the way. But you can’t appreciate the good without having some bad from time to time.

 

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Circles of Friends

As an adult I have come to value relationships more and more. I kind of view my relationships like concentric circles. There are those people who are close to the center (me) that are really close friends. The next circle are friends who are kinda close but aren’t as close and so on and so forth. The further you get out, the less close we are. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just life. We can’t be BFF with everyone in life. Even Psalms reminds us to guard our hearts (Psalms 4:23).

So over the years I have been somewhat ok about guarding my heart. I have let some people in who I shouldn’t. I think that is part of life and a learning experience. I have also let some in who went from a further circle and made their way closer. That is always a nice feeling when someone cared enough that they moved forward.

What happens, though, when someone shuts you out and you really care about this person and they are in one of the tight circles? They haven’t left, won’t go and you have tried everything you know. Do you just ignore them? Act like they never existed because that is how they’re treating you? It is a situation I am dealing with now. I still care about this person and have done all I can and will do at this point. I won’t apologize anymore because I have tried and it has fallen on deaf ears. I have reached out and have been treated as if I was dead. But yet this person doesn’t want to remove themselves from my circle completely. My thing is that you’re either in or out. If this person truly doesn’t want me in their lives, then why are they not exiting mine? I put the ball in their court and they refuse to do anything with it. I hate that I am the one who is being made to look and feel bad over something I have tried to rectify. The funny thing is that this person gave me advice a while back to cut all ties with another person who did something similar but I was involved with in a different way.

Relationships aren’t easy, whether they’re friendship or romantic. It’s not easy making decisions regarding them. It’s not easy to quit caring when you actually still do.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

When Bad Things Happen

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Life was getting better. I swear it was. Then BOOM! My car went haywire. It was bad. And then there was work drama because I am on call and had no transportation and blah blah blah. I was a ball of tears and many different emotions Sunday and Monday. When I am anxious and upset, I literally get sick. I can’t help it. I am just physically ill. This has been the story of my life. You’d think I’d be skinny with all the damned anxiety I have dealt with. LOL Alas, I am not, but I am working on it!

So when my car broke, it happened right in front of my house! That was a miracle. I mean, I drive at crazy hours. I was blessed it happened then. A nice man helped me and got it back in the spot. It was Sunday, though. No one open. So I then had to try to get to work because that was where I was headed. I was squalling like a baby calling them. Hyperventilating and everything. Full on panic attack! A coworker came and got me and we figured out a way home. OK. One problem down. Then there was the meltdown at work about the on call BS. OK. Fine. Done and over. Then I just wanted to cry. My coworkers rallied and got me laughing. I didn’t want to, though.

Then I took a moment for a break and realized how blessed I was. It happened in front of the house and I had immediate help. BLESSING! I got to and from work easily! Blessing! I had support. I had friends offering help immediately. I was not alone and that was a major BLESSING! So I feel like when bad things happen we need to stop and reassess. What good came out of it? We can dwell on the shittiness of it. Yeah, it was pretty crappy and I was sick as a dog.

Then today, after all of this, I found out that it was NOT my transmission. It was something from work previously done and, therefore, covered COMPLETELY! My car should be fixed and back to me tomorrow. Guess what! Another B-L-E-S-S-I-N-G!

What if I had sat there and said, “Poor me!” I didn’t. I did cry but then I sucked it up and got through it. I couldn’t eat, but anxiety helps me lose weight. Blessing? I don’t know. ┬áBeneficial? Yeah. I focused hard on work and got so much accomplished! It was crazy! I still have more to do. But it is all good! God blessed me! I hope I am a blessing to others at some point in life. I really do. I feel like my life has been upside down so many times and I have felt overwhelmed because I was alone. This time I was not alone. I had help. It was awesome to have people care. I love my friends so much for all they did. Their kind words and helpfulness was exactly what I needed!

Truly Thankful

Thanksgiving 2010

I should be asleep. I am tired. It’s Thanksgiving and I have to work tonight. Last night was busy. I’m afraid tonight will be, too.

Holidays bring up emotions, memories, and cause sleep to be hard. I just took more sleep meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I have been mostly in a great mood. This morning, though, memories flooded me of years gone by. This brought up so many mixed emotions. Happy times. Sad times. People and places I just can’t forget. Some I wish I could and some I hope I never do.

I did really well for a while. I fought emotions off that were negative and went with the positive ones. I wrote my Happy Thanksgiving post on Facebook. I received some wonderful replies. Then I got the most wonderful post from my Mama’s best friend that touched my heart so much that I just lost it. I cried like a baby. I think the dam broke from all the emotions of earlier in the day and I cried the deep heaving sobs that wrack your whole body and the hot tears pour as if there is no stopping them. There is a primal sound that is indescribable and comes from your core. Thankfully, this dam was quickly repaired and control was again underway, but it was such a powerful few minutes. It made my sweet Soleil run to see if I was ok. She kept making these noises with me as I poured my heart out and just let me stroke her. My Mama’s best friend told me that she was grateful that she could still see my face and still knew me after all these years and that she was glad for the reason she knew me (my Mama) and that she loved me. It was such a wonderful thing to see. It was so wonderful to know that someone was thankful for me.

I often think of how insignificant I am. Yes, I guess I have esteem issues. There are days when I know I am a rock star at certain things, but then there are times when in the grand scheme of things when I think no one really cares about me. Knowing that someone loves me and is grateful that they met me through my mother is amazing. It just made my heart swell.

I also had my heart lifted when my friends were worried about me not having something good to eat for Thanksgiving. One friend even was going to bring me food at work because she was so worried. I told her not to worry and just enjoy her time with family and friends because there is food at work waiting on me. A friend at work went ahead and made a plate up for me to make sure I didn’t get cheated. That has happened in the past and so she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I am very appreciative.

I really got to celebrate Thanksgiving today. I know I did a post for today already, but the thing is that today I got to really feel it. While there was some moments that I didn’t want to feel, I was rewarded by some loving people who really care about me. And that is what I am so thankful for. These people touch my heart and my life and just make me so grateful to know them. They make life so much easier when life is so hard.

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