survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “living”

Dreams

There are times when I wonder if it is too late to dream. I read the inspirational quotes. I push through and keep hoping it’s not too late. Is it?

There are so many things I wanted to be and do by this point in life. It’s frustrating when I allow myself to think about those things. I try not to. I try to stay focused. I push forward with dreams that may or may not come true. I am working toward things that so many say is a great concept and really workable. But I just don’t know.

I look at my past dreams and they didn’t work. In fact, they’re quite fucked up. They’ve led me to this point where I am now. I get frustrated because while I have friends, I don’t have someone to lean on with this indecisiveness.

While I wonder about all these dreams, I keep dreaming. Why? I am terrified. What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I can’t do it? What if I need help? All of these questions.

Do I stop dreaming? No. It’s who I am. I dream even when I shouldn’t. I hold onto hope when there’s none. Maybe that’s been how I have survived life. I don’t know. All I know is that I will continue to be a dreamer.

The List

Ladies, you know what list I am talking about. The one you started when you were a teenager. The list of must-haves in a mate.

Have you checked your list lately? I have. It made me laugh. It almost made me cry. So long ago I had so many opinions and ideals about adulthood and relationships. I was so young and foolish. I was naïve and unjaded. Today I am not so innocent and I hate to say that I am jaded but I am more…experienced. Yes. I have enough life experience that I realize the absolute absurdity of some of my previous thoughts and feelings on life, love and adulthood.

My old list is enough to make anyone roll their eyes. There was the “must-haves” and then the “would like to have” things. I wanted a tall, blond man with blue eyes who was handsome; smart; funny; exciting; sexy; great kisser; understanding; loved dogs; wanted kids; loved family; loved music, dancing and movies; must have a fabulous job; must treat me like a princess; would like if we both liked the same football teams; would like if we both liked some of the same hobbies; would like if he had siblings since I had none.

Some of those things I still like. I still like tall men with blue eyes. I have moved on to liking them with or without hair. As you get older, hair goes and you learn bald can be sexy. I still want a good kisser because if he can’t kiss me well then he probably can’t do other things well either.

I still like smart and funny men but the way they’re funny and smart has changed. I grew up in a city of rocket scientists. I was a little spoiled. Smart men. Through my years of living, I have learned that intelligence comes in a variety of ways. Some men can be book-smart but not have a bit of common sense. If I had my druthers, I would love to have a man with both. But I will now take common sense over book smarts. Why? Because sometimes people with book smarts don’t have the intelligence to come in out of the rain. Or they’re so bogged down with the way things should be that they forget that life is to be lived and it doesn’t always follow an algorithm. Sometimes you have to just go with the flow. Life happens.

I need a man with a sense of humor because life is way too serious. When I was younger, I could handle all kinds of humor. As I have gotten older, I can’t. I just can’t. I cannot handle slapstick humor that is childish. I will stop talking to someone in 2 seconds flat because of that. It annoys me. And frankly, there are too many other things in life to be annoyed by. I won’t let that be one of them.

The rest of my list, though? Well, it’s kind of up in the air. At this age I am not looking at having kids so that’s a no-go. I wouldn’t mind someone with kids, though. I don’t need or even want someone “exciting” anymore. There was an element of danger that I associated with that when I was younger. I don’t crave danger now. Now I want stability.

I would like someone who likes movies and music. I am kind of a junkie. But that’s a negotiable. I do want someone who has a job. It doesn’t have to be fabulous, wonderful, exciting or anything like that. It needs to pay the bills. I’m not looking for a sugar daddy but I’m certainly not giving my money away either. Unfortunately I have been there and done that like an idiot.

I would like if he liked football. But I would prefer that he didn’t live it. Living in the state of Alabama, that’s a difficult thing. Football is a way of life. That’s a negotiable, though. But I am going to watch football whether he does or not. I once stopped seeing someone because he told me that watching the Iron Bowl was stupid and that I was dumb for wanting to watch it. Them’s fighting words. Actually, it was more like going through my contacts and deleting his number. But you see what I mean?

Whoever enters my life must tolerate cats and at least pretend to like mine. Sorry, that’s a non-negotiable. They’ve been in my life for 11 years and they’re better to me than most humans. They’ve given me sympathy when I have cried my heart out and I didn’t have anyone else to turn to.

I would like some common and uncommon interests. I have been alone so long that I have learned to do my own thing. I really don’t need or want a clingy ass man. Go fishing or something! I have things to do. I will gladly do things with you, but I can’t 24/7. I have dated a few who have tried that calling, texting, constant together thing. No thanks.

Treating me like a princess? Hmmm…well that’s nice from time to time. I mean, who doesn’t like a little extra pampering? I don’t need it all the time, though. I honestly don’t know that I would know how to act if that happened. What I need is for someone to be beside me through things when they’re good or bad. I don’t need a runner. I need a real man who can handle whatever life throws at us. I don’t need to be handled with kid gloves. I am not delicate like a flower. I am delicate like a bomb.

I believe that my list has matured. Life is no longer so superficial. It is more multi-faceted. There’s so many things that could happen in life that I never thought about when I was younger. Now I think about those things and I don’t get scared, but I get concerned. I don’t want to face this life alone, but I don’t want to settle either. I am working to find the balance for that. There’s a fine line. And that line often feels like a tight rope that I am walking daily.

So, ladies, if you haven’t checked your list lately, think about it. It’s an interesting way to see how far you have come. It’s also a way to gauge whether you need to adjust your expectations.

Live Your Life

I was listening to a podcast recently and heard one that resonated with me. They were talking about change. The premise is that sometimes we become so complacent in negative situations that we stay stuck.

I thought about what they were saying and it hit me hard. How many times did I stay complacent for too long? How many times did I need to make a change but fear gripped me? I allowed myself to be paralyzed by fear for quite a bit of my life.

Yes, recently I made some changes. It wasn’t easy. I have regretted some changes and then been quite proud of myself for others. But I felt like I was jumping off a cliff as I was making the changes.

Maybe we should teach ourselves and children that no matter what, any change is better than staying stuck in something negative? I mean, at least we tried! That’s where I am at right now. I tried. I may not have gotten the results I wanted, but I lived and learned. I was brave. I did something!

Complacency can keep us so down that we feel like there is no way out. We become so enmeshed in the status quo that we can’t see what could right. We can only see what could go wrong. Fear. Negativity.

Look at the bright side! You can live better! You deserve better!

Stop living a life that you don’t like. Stop living a life that is uncomfortable. Live the life that makes you happy. Live the life that you create.

You are worth it. You really are.

No Promises

We aren’t promised a tomorrow…of any sort. I have learned that all too well throughout my life. Half of my life I have felt like I have death constantly looming in the background. It’s not a scary thing for me anymore. It is just a fact of life. If you live, you die.

But as we live, we need to live with the realization that nothing is promised or guaranteed. Nothing. You don’t know if you have a tomorrow. You don’t know if someone will love you. You don’t know if you will live your dreams. You have no clue.

All you have in this life is the moment you are living. I have been working toward living intentionally for the last few years. I have always mostly said what was on my mind. But many times fear held me back. As I have gotten older, though, I realize even more that my days are numbered and so are my chances for happiness, love, etc. Because of this, I pretty much say what I want and do what I want. I don’t want to miss opportunities that I would regret. I have no promise of another chance. Tomorrow may not come. I could die in the blink of an eye.

This really hit me today when I spoke with an elderly man. He is working desperately to ensure that when he passes that he leaves things in order for his wife. First, if that isn’t true love, I don’t know what is! But secondly, he knows he isn’t promised tomorrow. He is doing everything he can today in order to be prepared. This man truly touched my heart because he sounded like my daddy who has been dead for 21 years. After our conversation I had to take a break and just go cry. My heart still aches for this man who is so filled with love and goodness.

The moral of the story is to not miss opportunities in life that are presented to you. There are no promises that you’ll have another chance.

Assumptions

It’s funny how people make assumptions. Recently an assumption was made about me. It was frustrating. So this person thinks they know me quite well. He knows a few things about me that no one else knows. A few. He does know some pieces of my heart. What I allow to show. I am guarded with it. I tell things that are pretty common knowledge. I keep other things to myself. Why? I have been hurt by people I care about and by strangers as well. I don’t care to be hurt anymore than I have to be in this crazy life. I have had more than my share.

So the assumption that was made hurt me and angered me. After the initial slap of the words, I retaliated with my verbal tirade of anger and frustration. I’ll admit there was a little tequila backing up my flying fingers on the letters on the phone. I left some things out of what I said. I wish I had said a few more things than I did. I used words I rarely use and dropped some like I was fresh off a Navy boat.

But something that bothered me about the assumptions was that this person assumed all I ever did was pine over him. He never once asked me what I was doing around here. Never. It showed his very little interest in my life and also the presumption that I had nothing better to do. I was actually seeing someone for a bit. It didn’t work out, but not everything in life does. It’s ok to try and to fail. I have done that many times. I don’t stop trying because something is difficult, though.

When I was talking to the presumptive man, I did it because I enjoyed his conversation, intelligence and many other things. I don’t like his know-it-all attitude, evasiveness or his view of obstacles. He writes about fate, life, living, love, etc. I am no longer playing it safe in life. I did that too much when I was younger and found that I can miss out on things that I regret now. I dare to live and try and hope and dream. I dare to want it all and to strive for it. The thing is that this goes completely against my nature. I won’t go into the details, but life should have taught me to hide from everything. I don’t. I look it straight in the eyes and keep pushing onward.

I am tired of living other people’s version of life. I can only do my best. And if that doesn’t measure up to what someone feels it should be, then they can just kiss my ass. I’m tired of feeling like I am not enough or too much. I am me. I am worth the inconvenience, the fight, love and ridiculousness. And if someone doesn’t realize how fucking wonderful that is, then they have lost out on something amazing. In whatever capacity I would have held a place in their life. They don’t have to exit my life, but they don’t necessarily get the sparkle that is me either.

So before you make your assumptions about who or what I am or anyone else for that matter, why not ask? Why not really try to get to know who someone really is? Personally, I am quite something. I am resilient, strong, delicate, angelic and devilish all at the same time.

Now I have no clue as to whether we’re friends or not. Why? Assumptions. And the thought of losing him as a friend is painful. But it would have also hurt to hold in those words. I care about this person and actually like him enough to want to remain friends. I don’t know what he thinks. Maybe his silence is the answer? We’ll see.


						
					

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