survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “Men”

Expectations

When we were younger we pretty much said whatever we wanted and really didn’t care what others thought. If it worked, great. If it didn’t, great. As we have gotten older, that doesn’t work. In every situation we must evaluate our words because they’re judged. There are some expectations in every circumstance when we communicate. Our words must have some meaning, some depth, some semblance of intelligence and humor all in one, or something like that.

I was thinking about this as I thought about some conversations about dating. The word “dating” immediately makes me shake my head and do an eye roll. I’m single so I shouldn’t do this. Dating is a necessary evil if I want to change my relationship status. But what also comes to mind with this horrific word is another word: expectations.

For many, online dating is the way to go. We are such a busy society that it is often difficult to meet people. Who wants to try to date at work? That’s a tragedy waiting to happen if something goes wrong. So many of us turn to dating sites to rescue us from the single state we seem to disdain so much. With this comes so many expectations!

We have to write a profile. Who likes describing themselves? Well, a narcissist would. But most people aren’t narcissists. Well, sometimes it does seem like they are, but I really don’t think so. The thing is that you’re selling yourself. As you write this profile you are hoping and expecting to find someone compatible. Some people spend hours writing and re-writing the profile because you want it to bring the perfect match.

Next we have to get the profile picture right. Do I look too fat? Do I look happy enough? Do I look too serious? The thing is that the person looking at your profile expects to find the perfect person. Expectations are high. If they’re paying to use the site, they want the biggest bang for their buck.

Next comes the interactions. All of the work has been put in and finally people are ready to chat, flirt, etc. It seems the expectations are different from what I have seen and heard. Men seem to want to flirt. But they don’t seem to know how to do it to the level of what women want. Women expect something more than, “Hey beautiful.” That crap doesn’t fly IRL and it certainly doesn’t fly in virtual world either. In fact, it is pretty annoying. Men, lemme give you a hint, if you’re looking at a woman’s profile, READ IT! We expect that. We expect nice words. We expect you to put some effort in!! “Hey.” That is not effort. I say that to the mailman. I am not asking him out.

But here’s another thing that I think we need to look at…ladies, I think we need to quit having such high expectations from these guys who really know nothing about us. Frankly, it takes some nerve for some of them to say hello. Sometimes they fumble over words and are not the brightest when it comes to what they should say. We are all different. So maybe we should give them a SMALL chance before swiping left. Sometimes you do just know. Believe me, I do know that. Especially if you know it was a copy and paste deal. But sometimes some of them have been as screwed over as we have. Sometimes some of them are as shy as we are.

Another thing I would like to tell men about expectations, women expect you to be a gentleman. If you don’t want to continue to see us, that is fine. But stop with the whole BS of ghosting. BE A MAN. Just say it. It’s really simple. Most women will agree. Most women will say that’s fine. But it really pisses us off when a man is such a coward that he can’t even say it. So man up!

All in all, I don’t think we should lower our expectations to a complete zero. I think, though, that we should all realize that we’re not perfect and we are dealing with other humans who aren’t as well. We stumble, fumble and fail. We’re not always going to get it right. We trip over our own tongues. Well, at least I do. There’s a reason I am single. I am great at communicating a lot of things, but not when it comes to matters of the heart. I am pretty sure there’s more out there like me who don’t always have the right thing to say and kick themselves for it.

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I’m Not As Good As I Once Was

I am older but I am still me. I’ve been kicked around by life so many times that I think I have permanent bruises. But the thing about me is that I am resilient. I’m like that bad penny that keeps showing up. I just won’t go away and I keep coming back. I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was is the way Toby Keith put it.

I have been feeling down and out lately as some of you know. But tonight I decided to take a bad situation and make some lemonade. My power was going off and on and I looked out and the power company had some good-looking guys out there working. So I moseyed outside to find out what was going on. I joked and flirted for a bit and came back inside feeling a little more confident. I don’t normally flirt with strangers but I figured why not? Nothing to lose and I could gain my electricity! So I got a nice ego boost and my electricity back on.

Not too shabby for a chick whose had the crap kicked out of her lately. Yay me! Progress! Turns out that the natural flirt in me was like Lazarus. She was raised from the dead. Do I plan to do that regularly? No. but once in a while won’t hurt.

A Funny Thing Happened

I’m thinking about dating again. Thinking is not doing. But I went back to the scene of the crime…the dating site where I met the guy. So he is back there, too. So the dating site says that we are compatible and would we like to meet? I laughed in an uncomfortable way as I clicked the NO button. I wish it was a HELL NO button, but it isn’t.

The algorithm says we are a match. We were for a bit. It is just almost comical but it isn’t. It’s painful, too. I’m moving on and forward. But you don’t want that reminder of something so painful thrown in your face…even by a stupid dating site. I know it isn’t intentional, but it’s not the best feeling in the world.

So I’m being brave and moving forward. And I told the site that, no, I don’t want to meet him. I couldn’t tell it I already met him and it didn’t work so well. In fact it was worse than not so well. But in a way, a funny thing happened.

Nobody Told Me

Nobody told me that this whole grown up thing was a sham. It really is. Bills, work, relationships. Bills keep getting bigger and I keep getting less for what I pay for. I work like crazy trying to pay for those crazy bills.

And then there’s the relationships. Sometimes I wonder why bother trying. I was recently in one for a few months. He loved me he said. He wanted to marry me he said. Then he didn’t he said. I felt a little like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The breakup wasn’t on a post it. No, it was in a text. Yes, you read that right. A text. I was upset on many levels. Hurt, yes. Angry, absolutely! If you’re going to do something like that, have the courage to do it in person. That is just being a coward. And don’t pretend things are fine two days prior to the breakup. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

So after all of that nonsense, I’m moving forward with my life. It’s funny. I’m doing things I didn’t imagine I would. I am following my dreams for a change. I’m trying life out and being as brave as I can. I’m grateful for my faith in God and  I’m grateful for my supportive friends who have been there through the ups and downs.

 

It’s a Process…I Flirted

So I went through the crying and despair. I went through anger. And while it still hurts, I’m allowing myself to try to move forward. I flirted today. It wasn’t much of anything but it was something. It was better than looking down at my shoes or focusing solely on the items I needed at the store. There was a joke, smile and laughter. We went our separate ways and I felt good about myself. It was a step in the right direction. I was proud of myself.

Baby steps, right? It’s a process.

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