survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “Men”

I’m Not As Good As I Once Was

I am older but I am still me. I’ve been kicked around by life so many times that I think I have permanent bruises. But the thing about me is that I am resilient. I’m like that bad penny that keeps showing up. I just won’t go away and I keep coming back. I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was is the way Toby Keith put it.

I have been feeling down and out lately as some of you know. But tonight I decided to take a bad situation and make some lemonade. My power was going off and on and I looked out and the power company had some good-looking guys out there working. So I moseyed outside to find out what was going on. I joked and flirted for a bit and came back inside feeling a little more confident. I don’t normally flirt with strangers but I figured why not? Nothing to lose and I could gain my electricity! So I got a nice ego boost and my electricity back on.

Not too shabby for a chick whose had the crap kicked out of her lately. Yay me! Progress! Turns out that the natural flirt in me was like Lazarus. She was raised from the dead. Do I plan to do that regularly? No. but once in a while won’t hurt.

A Funny Thing Happened

I’m thinking about dating again. Thinking is not doing. But I went back to the scene of the crime…the dating site where I met the guy. So he is back there, too. So the dating site says that we are compatible and would we like to meet? I laughed in an uncomfortable way as I clicked the NO button. I wish it was a HELL NO button, but it isn’t.

The algorithm says we are a match. We were for a bit. It is just almost comical but it isn’t. It’s painful, too. I’m moving on and forward. But you don’t want that reminder of something so painful thrown in your face…even by a stupid dating site. I know it isn’t intentional, but it’s not the best feeling in the world.

So I’m being brave and moving forward. And I told the site that, no, I don’t want to meet him. I couldn’t tell it I already met him and it didn’t work so well. In fact it was worse than not so well. But in a way, a funny thing happened.

Nobody Told Me

Nobody told me that this whole grown up thing was a sham. It really is. Bills, work, relationships. Bills keep getting bigger and I keep getting less for what I pay for. I work like crazy trying to pay for those crazy bills.

And then there’s the relationships. Sometimes I wonder why bother trying. I was recently in one for a few months. He loved me he said. He wanted to marry me he said. Then he didn’t he said. I felt a little like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. The breakup wasn’t on a post it. No, it was in a text. Yes, you read that right. A text. I was upset on many levels. Hurt, yes. Angry, absolutely! If you’re going to do something like that, have the courage to do it in person. That is just being a coward. And don’t pretend things are fine two days prior to the breakup. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

So after all of that nonsense, I’m moving forward with my life. It’s funny. I’m doing things I didn’t imagine I would. I am following my dreams for a change. I’m trying life out and being as brave as I can. I’m grateful for my faith in God and  I’m grateful for my supportive friends who have been there through the ups and downs.

 

It’s a Process…I Flirted

So I went through the crying and despair. I went through anger. And while it still hurts, I’m allowing myself to try to move forward. I flirted today. It wasn’t much of anything but it was something. It was better than looking down at my shoes or focusing solely on the items I needed at the store. There was a joke, smile and laughter. We went our separate ways and I felt good about myself. It was a step in the right direction. I was proud of myself.

Baby steps, right? It’s a process.

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

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