The List

Ladies, you know what list I am talking about. The one you started when you were a teenager. The list of must-haves in a mate.

Have you checked your list lately? I have. It made me laugh. It almost made me cry. So long ago I had so many opinions and ideals about adulthood and relationships. I was so young and foolish. I was naïve and unjaded. Today I am not so innocent and I hate to say that I am jaded but I am more…experienced. Yes. I have enough life experience that I realize the absolute absurdity of some of my previous thoughts and feelings on life, love and adulthood.

My old list is enough to make anyone roll their eyes. There was the “must-haves” and then the “would like to have” things. I wanted a tall, blond man with blue eyes who was handsome; smart; funny; exciting; sexy; great kisser; understanding; loved dogs; wanted kids; loved family; loved music, dancing and movies; must have a fabulous job; must treat me like a princess; would like if we both liked the same football teams; would like if we both liked some of the same hobbies; would like if he had siblings since I had none.

Some of those things I still like. I still like tall men with blue eyes. I have moved on to liking them with or without hair. As you get older, hair goes and you learn bald can be sexy. I still want a good kisser because if he can’t kiss me well then he probably can’t do other things well either.

I still like smart and funny men but the way they’re funny and smart has changed. I grew up in a city of rocket scientists. I was a little spoiled. Smart men. Through my years of living, I have learned that intelligence comes in a variety of ways. Some men can be book-smart but not have a bit of common sense. If I had my druthers, I would love to have a man with both. But I will now take common sense over book smarts. Why? Because sometimes people with book smarts don’t have the intelligence to come in out of the rain. Or they’re so bogged down with the way things should be that they forget that life is to be lived and it doesn’t always follow an algorithm. Sometimes you have to just go with the flow. Life happens.

I need a man with a sense of humor because life is way too serious. When I was younger, I could handle all kinds of humor. As I have gotten older, I can’t. I just can’t. I cannot handle slapstick humor that is childish. I will stop talking to someone in 2 seconds flat because of that. It annoys me. And frankly, there are too many other things in life to be annoyed by. I won’t let that be one of them.

The rest of my list, though? Well, it’s kind of up in the air. At this age I am not looking at having kids so that’s a no-go. I wouldn’t mind someone with kids, though. I don’t need or even want someone “exciting” anymore. There was an element of danger that I associated with that when I was younger. I don’t crave danger now. Now I want stability.

I would like someone who likes movies and music. I am kind of a junkie. But that’s a negotiable. I do want someone who has a job. It doesn’t have to be fabulous, wonderful, exciting or anything like that. It needs to pay the bills. I’m not looking for a sugar daddy but I’m certainly not giving my money away either. Unfortunately I have been there and done that like an idiot.

I would like if he liked football. But I would prefer that he didn’t live it. Living in the state of Alabama, that’s a difficult thing. Football is a way of life. That’s a negotiable, though. But I am going to watch football whether he does or not. I once stopped seeing someone because he told me that watching the Iron Bowl was stupid and that I was dumb for wanting to watch it. Them’s fighting words. Actually, it was more like going through my contacts and deleting his number. But you see what I mean?

Whoever enters my life must tolerate cats and at least pretend to like mine. Sorry, that’s a non-negotiable. They’ve been in my life for 11 years and they’re better to me than most humans. They’ve given me sympathy when I have cried my heart out and I didn’t have anyone else to turn to.

I would like some common and uncommon interests. I have been alone so long that I have learned to do my own thing. I really don’t need or want a clingy ass man. Go fishing or something! I have things to do. I will gladly do things with you, but I can’t 24/7. I have dated a few who have tried that calling, texting, constant together thing. No thanks.

Treating me like a princess? Hmmm…well that’s nice from time to time. I mean, who doesn’t like a little extra pampering? I don’t need it all the time, though. I honestly don’t know that I would know how to act if that happened. What I need is for someone to be beside me through things when they’re good or bad. I don’t need a runner. I need a real man who can handle whatever life throws at us. I don’t need to be handled with kid gloves. I am not delicate like a flower. I am delicate like a bomb.

I believe that my list has matured. Life is no longer so superficial. It is more multi-faceted. There’s so many things that could happen in life that I never thought about when I was younger. Now I think about those things and I don’t get scared, but I get concerned. I don’t want to face this life alone, but I don’t want to settle either. I am working to find the balance for that. There’s a fine line. And that line often feels like a tight rope that I am walking daily.

So, ladies, if you haven’t checked your list lately, think about it. It’s an interesting way to see how far you have come. It’s also a way to gauge whether you need to adjust your expectations.

How To Be A Man From A Woman’s Perspective

It’s one thing to be a male. It’s another thing to be a man. All it takes to be a male is DNA. But to be a man there are so many factors. There are so many things that a man does that makes him a real man that women respect.

One thing I think is crucial for a man is honesty. Be honest about who you are as a person. Be honest with your intentions. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings. I think this is one of the biggest problems men and women have. Sometimes men want to avoid conflict so they either act agreeable or they are complicit by saying nothing at all. Sometimes they just point-blank lie.

This is what leads women to be so distrustful. This is why women are so wary of all men. They have trust issues because so many men do this. Don’t get me wrong. Not all do it. No. But a lot do. I have seen it many times. If a male can’t be honest with how he feels in whatever relationship he is in, he needs to get out and do it with honor and dignity. He shouldn’t do himself and the person he is with the disservice of treating them both with disrespect. Show the respect of being honest. Yes, it may lead to conflict to begin with. But a moment of conflict is worth a lifetime of happiness.

Another thing critical to being a man is sensitivity. You don’t have to be a crybaby, but have sympathy and empathy for others. You may not do what others do in a situation but having some compassion goes a long way. Personally, I admire men who may not agree with something but view the person dealing with the situation as just a human going through something. Many of us bring our own problem’s upon ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve some understanding as we try to pull ourselves out of it.

I love when a man can talk about differing views without arguing. I love sharing ideas. But I have had some men in my life who felt the need to try to dominate a conversation by overspeaking and yelling at me to get their point across. I am not stupid, nor am I deaf. If you would like to get a point across to me, it is much more likely to be considered in a civil discussion rather than in a confrontational way. I don’t mind listening to different views. I actually like to hear why people believe the way they do. I may or may not change my view, but I will listen.

Be kind just for the sake of being kind. Do it with no expectations. While that seems so natural for most people, it is not for many. When a woman sees a man do something kind for anyone just because it is the good or right thing to do, it does something to our hearts. Personally, I have felt mine almost melt seeing someone do something kind because it was good. For instance, last winter my neighbor’s boyfriend shoveled my porch for me when it snowed so bad. It scored points for him with me and made me less likely to complain about him being over there so much playing loud music. And it scored points with her because she got to see a caring side of him. But the thing is, he honestly did it because he just felt like it was what he should do.

Not many people enjoy true conflict. A little argument here or there can be stimulating, but fighting is another thing. If you know you are at odds with someone, don’t just run from the problem. Face it. Respectfully and honestly. You deserve that and so does the other party.

Recently I had a differing view than someone in my life. Rather than trying to discuss it with me, he gave me the silent treatment. All that did was make me angry and want to say all kinds of horrible things that may or may not have been true. After a long period of silence, I had enough. I didn’t want to argue and I was unhappy with the disrespect. I sent a text message and told him that throughout everything I had tried to see his POV but I could no longer and would no longer try. I sent the message and, of course, didn’t hear back. That wasn’t my expectation at all. I felt like saying what was on my mind respectfully and ending the relationship completely. It’s not so hard.

Finally, while we are in an age of political correctness, it is still ok by most women for a man to be a gentleman. Open a door. That’s always nice. You don’t have to pay for everything. If you’re dating someone, see how she feels about it. There’s no harm in discussing that. Some women appreciate it. Some don’t. But you can still be a gentleman. Be courteous. Use your manners. If your Mama didn’t teach you these things, find a Southern Mama and she will help.

I know it’s hard to navigate how to behave in today’s society. Women have the same issues. Believe me! I am struggling with how much Amy is too much Amy. But the bottom line is don’t be an asshole. At least not on purpose.

Emotions and Restraint

Isn’t it funny how we love the openness of children but as adults we work to be controlled? Well, not all of us, but many. I love watching adults watch children. It’s hard to not smile when you see a little one exploring the world and expressing themselves. But as they start getting older, we tell them to reign themselves in. We must be calm and controlled. By the time adulthood rolls around, we are supposed to be able to control all our feelings and reactions.

I don’t know about you, but for me that is not natural. When I am excited, I get loud. When I am hurt or sad, I cry. When I am happy, I grin like a Cheshire cat. When I am angry, well, there’s no telling what reaction you might get. I might yell, curse or completely quiet. While I can sometimes get these reactions under control, I can’t always do it. I am an expressive person. I don’t want to be inhibited. I want to be able to express myself.Personally, keeping emotions in, no matter whether they are positive or negative, is stressful for me. I need to just REACT! You may hear me curse, cry, yell, laugh or any combination of these. I feel better after doing it, though.

If a woman shows much emotion, she is often deemed out of control, overly emotional or a bitch. Why can’t she just be expressive? Some of us would rather just get our shit out instead of going home and kicking the dog or something. 

If a man shows emotion, he can be thought to be a wimp, forceful or strong. More often than not, it’s acceptable for a male to show strong emotions that lean toward a more forceful nature. He’s often thought to be manly and in-charge. Some see that rather than a bully. If he is “too” emotional, he can seem to effeminate or dramatic. And, frankly, it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female, most people don’t want negative drama. Maybe a little fun drama, but negative drama is a definite no-no.

I’ll admit that I don’t like being around people that are emotional about everything. It does bother me. But I do appreciate people who are touched by things that are kind, good, sweet, thoughtful, sad, etc. It makes them more human to me. I don’t like being around people who withhold all their emotions. Frankly, that bothers me because excess in one area of life will lead to lack of control in another. So, it worries me when I see someone who acts like an automaton in every situation. It makes me question what they would be like behind closed doors. Would they explode over the smallest of things?

I would much rather be around people with natural reactions to everyday life. Keeping anger manageable is important but it is just as important to understand that anger is natural. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel things. It’s ok to quit pretending that everything is perfect all the time. If your life is perfect, I would love for you to tell me how you got it that way.

The Safety Girl

I have determined that I am the safety girl. Now you may be wondering what is that exactly? Well let me tell you… The safety girl can be a couple of different things. The first type of safety girl is the girl that is actually like one of the guys. She’s the one that they all just shoot the shit with. She’s just part of the scenery and the guys don’t mind talking about everything while she’s around. And sometimes the safety girl becomes their almost therapist. She is the confidante for their most inner thoughts. If they’re having trouble with their girlfriend or their wife or their kids or their job she’s going to be the one that knows about it. Another type of safety girl is the girl that the guys feel like they can flirt with outrageously. Sometimes it’s just an innocent and silly flirtation. And sometimes it really has some meaning. It really depends on who’s involved. But a lot of times nothing actually really happens because it can’t for some reason such as job, school or long distance. It’s fun and silly and most likely nothing will ever come of it whether or not there’s real feelings or not because she’s just the safety girl.

Now you may wonder why is she the safety girl? Why does she feel this way? Well the reason I feel this way is because I have a few men in my life who view me as their confidante. And I don’t mind that. I would actually rather that they tell me some of these things about the goings-on in their lives than them to feel like they can’t say anything and keep it all inside. Yes, I am the safety girl and I am their friend. And sometimes I feel like telling these men to get a damn therapist because there is nothing left for me to say about some of their situations. But I care enough about them that if there’s any way I can help them I will.

I have been in situations where I have been the safety girl where I worked around a lot of guys and they treated me just like one of the guys. Now there were exceptions because every now and then they would make a girly remark and look at me and see what would be my reaction. And I would usually come up with some sort of smart-ass remark and put them right in their place. That just made our work environment easier to deal with. As long as I was just one of the guys and could put up with their bullshit then I was fine. Every now and then I would have one of my not so safety girl moments and we would have a come-to-jesus meeting, but for the most part I was still the safety girl.

And there’s also been the guys that have thought that they could flirt with me because I was safe. There were some situations where there was a lot of physical distance between us and therefore they felt like I was completely safe and off-limits. This has happened a couple of times. And while it’s nice to play around and have fun and flirt, there’s also the realization that sometimes it just sucks being the safety girl. Because you know that if you were in the same proximity that there’s no way that they would probably even speak to you.

So being the safety girl isn’t all terrible. But it’s not always good either. Sometimes it builds the bridge so that people can get along easier. And sometimes it’s a way of innocently or not so innocently flirting. It can build up self esteem or make you doubt yourself.

The bottom line is that the safety girl still has feelings. She deserves to be treated with care and respect because most of the time she’s trying to treat you with care and respect as well.

Single life

So I was recently asked why I was single. You’re so pretty they said. You’re so funny they said. So why are you single?

Well I guess that’s a question that a lot of single women ask themselves. And there are a lot of reasons for it. One reason is that I am not stereotypically pretty or beautiful or whatever. Another is that I do have some standards. Another is that I have figured out that I pick emotionally unavailable men or just flat-out assholes. I read an article about this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/valley-girl-brain/201001/do-girls-really-love-assholes

People tell me there’s so many good men out there. At my age they are very rare. It’s like finding a flipping unicorn. Have you seen any of those running around lately? Because I sure haven’t. The ones that I’ve seen that even resemble one like to keep running. Or they like to stop for a second and then run away.

The thing is that dating in your late forties is as bad as dating in your teenage years. Most of the men seem to think that they can do whatever they want and still get sex. And some of the girls / women let them. And then there are women like me who are like who the hell exactly do you think you are? Because I don’t play like that. And I am a southern woman but I am not a simpering southern belle who will just sit there quietly while a man thinks that he’s going to get further than he should be. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination but I am certainly not an all-out slut either. Honey, you gotta work for it.

As times have changed, so have the attitudes of men and women for dating. We are a society of people who want everything now. That includes relationships. I am not one of those now people. I am one of the people that likes to learn about the other person and I like to find out what they like and don’t like. I like to know their favorite music. I like to understand that person. Because I don’t want to be like a little first grader saying meet my boyfriend after talking to them for 5 minutes. And I don’t rush from relationship to relationship because I have found that when you do that you bring a lot of baggage that is unnecessary.

My last relationship ended last year and it was okay. We don’t hate each other. But I needed to process the whole why did the thing go wrong? After a lot of examination I see exactly where it went wrong. And I don’t want to make that mistake again.

At this age I know what I want. And I don’t want to just have sex. I want the whole package. I want the fairytale even though that I know that the fairytale does not exist. I want somebody who can sit and talk with me about just about anything. I want somebody who will hold my hand. I want somebody who will touch my hair and stroke it. I want someone who will encourage me when I’m down. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Oh and one more thing, I do want somebody who’s smart and funny because if I don’t have that in my life then I would just rather be by myself.

So there’s the answer to the question. That is why I’m single. Do I want to change the status eventually? Yes. But not so much that I will just do anything to change it. Because if I did do that I wouldn’t just change my status, I would change myself. And I’m not willing to drastically alter who I am in order to fit in society’s mold of coupledom. I know that we all make small changes throughout life and I do think that’s a great thing. I just don’t think that it’s a great thing to make an extreme change of who you are in order to have someone in your life.