survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “changes”

Wednesday Wisdom

Today I started a new job. It was a little scary walking into a new place because I didn’t know any of these people really. And as I did this I looked back at my whole life. Throughout my life I have disliked change. I didn’t like not knowing what was ahead of me. But I have come to realize that the only way to move forward and find happiness and reward was to change. This could be myself, a job, the people in my life or relationship statuses. Those things are very scary. I have had to remove people from my life in order to move forward. And I have had to add people to my life in order to move forward.

Sometimes you don’t know what you’re going to get when you make these changes. It’s like a crapshoot. You just roll the dice and see what comes up. And sometimes you have to take that chance. Opening up yourself to others as well as new experiences is not the easiest thing to do. I know from experience. I have been let down, hurt, disappointed and all of the other things that you could say. But I’ve also been uplifted, loved, elated and all of the other positive things as well.

So while this big change of mine has been quite interesting, I have had to get past my fears and open up to new people and experiences. And so far I have been happily surprised. I have been able to allow a couple of people closer in my circle than I normally would. That’s rare for me. And I guess that is really dependent on the person; but it’s nice to open up the circle just a little.

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Reflection on Change

These last few days have been quite eventful. They’ve been very emotional. I’ve had moments where I have had to just stop and cry. You would think that wanting to move back to my hometown would be this joyous occasion that would be filled with light-heartedness and laughter. There’s been some laughter. But there’s also been a lot of soul-searching and heartache.

I just left the place that I love. I left a lot of people that I love. And I left a job that I love. And I guess you’re asking what why did you leave? Working 7 days a week was wearing on me. I was physically and mentally tired. I felt like there was no downtime to just allow my body and brain to relax. I was worried about what if something happened to me physically and I was there by myself. What would happen?

Years ago I had to have surgery and my cousins came up but they could only stay for two days. My recovery time was over a week long. It was not easy and I was there by myself handling things. That’s kind of scary. I’m not getting any younger and I didn’t want to get into a situations where I could possibly be needing help and not have it. At least where I’m at now my family is very close. I guess if I’d found someone there it would have made a big difference. I would have had ties there. I did have ties there in a lot of ways. But they weren’t roots. I wasn’t grounded. There’s a difference.

I can still reach out to the people that I care about. And the people who are interested in being in my life can call, write or visit. And I can always go back to visit. I know that I left so many great relationships that if I go back for a visit I have so many places I can stay.

I guess tonight I’m thinking about a lot of this because maybe I’m bored. Maybe I’m feeling very thoughtful. It’s all been very surreal how it all happened.

Chances and Changes

In the last month, opportunities were given to me. Chances for change. I am not one for change. At all. I get caught up in all of the what-ifs and such. But I have wanted a change in my life and rather than let myself be talked out of it, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I accepted that the only way for my life to change was for me to change. So I am moving. Not just from my current residence. Well, that is part of it. No, I am really moving! I am leaving North Carolina and moving back home to Alabama.

I am terrified and happy at the same time. It’s hard to explain how that feels. It’s laughing in the middle of an anxiety attack. It’s spinning on one of those crazy rides at a fair and loving it and suddenly feeling like you need to puke. It’s realizing that you’re leaving your home that you have lived in for years to go back to a home that you haven’t been in for several years.

The panic sets in and I wonder if I can really do this? Can I really get this done? Can I really be ok? I’m scared. I have friends and family there who are excited I am coming home. I am excited, too. But will the new wear off for them? Will they forget me? If they did, would it be so bad? There’s been times here when I have felt forgotten. I know that I wasn’t, but my feeling was that I was. Perception and reality are two different things.

As much as I can’t wait to go, there is a tiny bit that hurts to go as well. Something is missing. My parents. My Mama especially. She was home. She was the person who welcomed me with open arms. She soothed me when I hurt. She would promise that everything would be ok when neither of us knew if it really would be or not. She would gently stroke my hair until I could breathe easier and stopped crying. She’s not there. And I am crying alone and praying that God will take this knot from my throat.

So I am proud that I am taking a chance on change. I truly believe it is the best thing for me. While I love my job, my personal life had become stagnant. I needed a change and I was lucky enough to have a wonderful friend to help me make a change. So I am leaving Thomas Wolfe’s home to see if you really can go home again? We’ll see.

2015: A Personal Review

I went into 2015 with a lot pain and trying to believe it could get better. I am not the same person I was going into the year as I am now. That is a good thing!

I was at a point where I was unsure if life could get better. I prayed hard that I could find a new job and be able to make changes to feel better. Those prayers were answered! I found a job in a place where I am valued and have the chance to use my skills. I’m able to be involved and give input. I have regular hours. I have met wonderful people that I consider to be good friends. I have lost weight.

With all of this comes changes within myself. I had become a person I didn’t like. As I changed, I began to slowly become myself again. At first it was hard to recognize myself. Who was this woman who smiles and laughs? It was me! I can laugh! And I like to do it!!!! It felt good to be Amy again. I didn’t realize how much I missed myself.

I reacquainted myself with old friends. I found new friends. And I lost touch with some old friends. I hate that I lost touch with old friends. That hurt a lot. I tried to reconnect but sometimes you just have to wait on them and give them time or just accept that it is what it is. But it has been wonderful getting back in touch with old friends. And I have loved meeting new friends.

Then there was the whole dating thing. That was scary! There are some bad ones out there. But the good news is that there are some good ones, too! I was lucky enough to find a great one! He is a good man who I can’t say enough good things about.

2015 has been pretty good. There have been some bumps along the way. But you can’t appreciate the good without having some bad from time to time.

 

What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year at this time I was absolutely miserable. I hated just about everything in my life and was hopeless. I kept plugging along, though, with that grain of a mustard seed hope. Just enough to keep me going. I didn’t know if anything would seriously change, but I truly wanted it to. I kept praying for a miracle and finally I told God that 2015 just had to be my year. It had to because everything else had just sucked.

2015 started off with a bang. I had an interview for a wonderful job on my birthday in January and got it. I started two weeks later. I met wonderful people who I could actually call friends. I was able to start the Weight Watchers program at work immediately and start reclaiming my life. I began to feel like I mattered again. I felt like Amy. I don’t know if any of you remember the movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” but I felt like I was getting my groove back in life in general. Things were making sense again. Life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have Taye Diggs but I was feeling more content being Amy. I was beginning to feel alright about who and what I was.

During this time, I kept seeing my ex all over town. I live in a small town and the odds of that are likely, but over the last four years I have never run into him. I think in a way God was protecting me from it.As it happened during this time, I was fine. Actually I was more than fine; I was annoyed. There was no racing heart or loss of breath. It was more like the urge to slap away an annoying gnat that is in your way. I did pray about it and ask why after all of this time he was popping up all over the place. It was random places and non-stop it seemed. After careful prayer and meditation, I felt the answer was that he needed to see that I was happy and well and didn’t react upon seeing him. Most times I didn’t even recognize him until after the fact. I thanked God for that answer and then prayed more and told God that since I had moved on so well, why couldn’t he give me someone who would understand me and accept me? Why couldn’t someone find my quirks and flaws adorable and not annoying? Then through the most unlikely source, Facebook, I was just chatting with this guy who is a friend of a friend and he was hilarious. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We hit it off like gangbusters. He is from where I now live. He lives kinda where I am from. We talk daily. I have come to adore him. He drives me crazy and I want to yell at him at times. At other times I would hug him as hard as I could.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day and she was like, “Dang, Girl! You sound happy!” I smiled and said, “I am.” It felt so weird to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But it felt so good to say that I am happy. For years I felt as if I was walking with a rain cloud over my head.

2015 hasn’t been perfect but it is so drastically different than last year. I am grateful.

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