survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “strength”

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

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Save Yourself

Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. – Ann Landers

I have a friend who likes to live drama. You’d think it is a female. You’d be thinking wrong. He has had volatile relationships off and on for years. I have known him for 6 years. I was an almost dramatic relationship. We dated briefly. Thank God we both realized that wasn’t a good thing.

Anyway, I do care about this person but he has walked away from this most recent dramatic relationship and it seemed for the best. Now, though, he is regretting it. I don’t necessarily think it is about losing her. I think it is about being alone. He doesn’t like being alone. It drives him nuts. He can’t stand being alone with his thoughts and feelings so it is much easier to get all codependent with someone else and get in these unhealthy, dramatic relationships.

I don’t know if he will read this. Whatever. But I hope if anyone else does that they realize that holding on to something isn’t strength all the time. Sometimes the biggest strength is walking away. I have had to do that. I made the decision to tell a man I loved that I couldn’t allow the way he wanted to live to be a part of my life. I knew it would end our relationship, but I had to save myself. Sometimes you have to be alone in order to save yourself.

Perception Is A Funny Thing

I was talking to one of my BFFs today and she said something that struck me. She told me that she thought I was strong. Her perception of me is so different than what I think of myself. The thing is that I feel she is incredibly strong and I don’t know how she went through the things she has and survived so well. She doesn’t view herself that way either.

It seems like when we go through trials we just do it because there aren’t many options. You do it or you die. It’s simple in some ways and yet so complicated. In my ups and downs, there were times where dying seemed like the better option. But God has a plan. I still don’t know what it is, but I’m learning more each day.

But don’t you find it interesting that you can tell someone they’re so strong and courageous and they look at you like you’re nuts? And you feel the same at times during difficult circumstances. I suppose when we’re so entangled in the drama and emotional upheaval that we can’t be objective and see that it’s really amazing that we’re functioning at all. We may just be going through the motions, but sometimes that’s more than anyone else expected of us.

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