survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “SAD”

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Home. Nostalgia. I think of You Can’t Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe. Can you? Is home ever the same?

It seems I only go home for death and funerals. I had a trip planned with my ex where we were going to visit my family for fun. Instead, this weekend I am going home because of my sick aunt. I am very worried about her and sad. It brings up a lot of memories.

I haven’t been home in several years. I haven’t had the money or time off from work. Now I do.I need to go. I think I need it not only for my aunt but for me. I need to clear my clouded head. I need to feel love and support from my family. I need those familiar people who know what a screw up I am but love me anyway. Those people who will hug me and laugh and cry with me at the same time. Who understand my tears. I have so many. I am a crier and they know it. I can cry on a dime. They know I’m a tender-heart and admonish me for it but know it is who I am. They know all of my hurts and know that I’m scarred and blemished and that is what makes me Amy. And I can’t help it.

I need home right now. My heart needs it. My head needs it. My soul needs it.

I think that while everything will always change, home will always be home.

Hurry Up Holidays!

I want the holidays to hurry up and be done. I hate this time of year. It’s funny…I like to do some of the things of the holiday season such as participate in Operation Christmas Child or buy a gift or two for Toys for Tots, but the rest of it I just wish would go away.

Why? It hurts. When you’re no longer a part of a family, it just hurts. I have people who I can connect with and I’m appreciative. I truly am. I am blessed! Some people have no one. So I hate to feel the way I do. But seeing all of the joy of the families brings back so many memories. Even though Thanksgiving isn’t officially here yet, I feel that ache already. It starts slowly and builds like a crescendo. Slowly the music becomes louder until it is almost deafening. That is how the pain of the holidays is.

I have said that 2015 is my year. So far it has been. I have done so many things that seemed impossible. So maybe surviving the holidays with minimal pain will be one. I sure hope. I am doing what I can to stop it. It is just a powerful thing that is quite emotionally charged.

I just wish they were over.

Another Year…

Another year rolls around. It actually zipped by. I’m older. I wonder why we celebrate and then I suppose it is just the fact that it is all that is thrown at us in a year. We made it through it all! Wooohooo!!! Right? So I survived to make it to another age. Yeah! I’ll lie about my age, but I survived dammit! Just like I hide those gray hairs. I lie by covering them, but they’re still mine.

So today is my birthday. I celebrated last night and had a lot of fun with crazy friends. We didn’t do anything wild, but it was fun. I laughed like I hadn’t done in a long time and Lord knows I needed that. I need that more. That is my wish for the year…more laughter, less stress.

The day does bring somber thoughts, as well. Today is Mama’s birthday. My wish for her is that she is eating a big ol’ piece of cake with God and Daddy and laughing as well. Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you.

 

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