survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “prayer”

Long Time Gone

I was gone too long from home. Going back to Alabama this weekend was just what I needed. I cried so much this weekend but it was cathartic. Many of those tears were tears of joy.

I went home because my aunt almost died last Wednesday. She rallied and is better. She is still nowhere near 100%. She is very ill and she is elderly. It’s not good. But she was talking when I got there and she knew me. She was confused, though. She asked me was I still married. No. I have been divorced 16 years. She laughed and said good. We all laughed at that.You find the humor where you can. She said some funny things in her confusion which was also really sad. But you focus on the good of it.That’s all you can do in hard times.

I had lost all of my childhood pictures years ago and another aunt was generous enough to share hers with me. I cried like a baby. I have pictures of me with my parents and other family members that are so precious. It broke my heart and made me so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I made everyone cry because I just couldn’t stop crying at first. The first pictures I saw had me sobbing.

I saw cousins and aunts and an uncle I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was blown away with how much love a heart can hold. It was amazing. I knew I loved them, but my heart was overflowing with love.

This morning I met with one of my oldest friends who I haven’t seen in 23 years. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and the one of the very best men of my generation I have ever met. I’m glad to have him as my best male friend. We got to meet for a quick breakfast and the only change in him is that he has gotten wiser and kinder with age. He told me I was still pretty and I actually believed it for a minute. I hugged him today for the first time in forever and it was like a time machine. I didn’t want to let go. It was as if I had gone back in time and hadn’t made all of the stupid mistakes in life, still had all of the people in my life that I had lost and I felt loved and safe. Who would want to let that go? Unfortunately, I had to. And thankfully for him, I only teared up a little. I couldn’t watch him drive away or I would have burst into tears. I had already cried so much that I just couldn’t do it.

I hit the road and drove through my hometown of Huntsville, Alabama and just soaked it in. I thought about the what-ifs of never having left and all of that. I love that place. My heart ached as I drove east towards Chattanooga. But I kept driving. It was an easy drive. I was happy to see the signs for Asheville, North Carolina, though. I have missed my mountains and my precious cats. It was good to get home here but I do miss home there.

Praying I can make another trip this summer or fall. I need it.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

My Life as Job

There are times I feel like my life has been much like Job. Well, I didn’t have his family or riches. That might have been nice. But I had everything taken from me. My family, home, friends, etc. I won’t pretend to be blameless on every aspect. But I do love God and have begged and pleaded and prayed for restoration. So far that hasn’t come.

Job’s wife told him to curse God and die. There has been much controversy to her response. A part of me feels like she hurt so much watching him hurt that she just didn’t want him to suffer any longer. It’s hard watching someone you love hurt. Then Job’s friends came up and some were quite judgmental. “Job, you must be pretty bad to have had ALL THAT happen.” “Job, you got what you deserve, dude.” With friends like that, who needs enemies? The man is at his lowest and he is being told he deserves it. Wow.

I’ve been told that throughout my life in various situations. Even though it has happened before, it is still shocking and jarring to have it said. I have also heard the pat responses of “it’ll be ok.” I don’t know if things in life will be ok. So far they haven’t. I’m holding on to the bible verse Jeremiah 29:11 and trying to believe that God knows the plans he has for me that are to prosper me and not for calamity. I have felt a lot like Calamity Amy for most of my life.

I heard a sermon today about God not being done with me yet. I hope He isn’t. It’s painful, though, because at this age, I have not felt calm and peace and real love. That is all I want. Is God going to give me that? That’s what I have been praying for since I was a kid.

I’m tired of feeling like Job. I pray that God will heal my heart, restore what he can that I have lost and give me calm, peace and real love.

What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year at this time I was absolutely miserable. I hated just about everything in my life and was hopeless. I kept plugging along, though, with that grain of a mustard seed hope. Just enough to keep me going. I didn’t know if anything would seriously change, but I truly wanted it to. I kept praying for a miracle and finally I told God that 2015 just had to be my year. It had to because everything else had just sucked.

2015 started off with a bang. I had an interview for a wonderful job on my birthday in January and got it. I started two weeks later. I met wonderful people who I could actually call friends. I was able to start the Weight Watchers program at work immediately and start reclaiming my life. I began to feel like I mattered again. I felt like Amy. I don’t know if any of you remember the movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” but I felt like I was getting my groove back in life in general. Things were making sense again. Life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have Taye Diggs but I was feeling more content being Amy. I was beginning to feel alright about who and what I was.

During this time, I kept seeing my ex all over town. I live in a small town and the odds of that are likely, but over the last four years I have never run into him. I think in a way God was protecting me from it.As it happened during this time, I was fine. Actually I was more than fine; I was annoyed. There was no racing heart or loss of breath. It was more like the urge to slap away an annoying gnat that is in your way. I did pray about it and ask why after all of this time he was popping up all over the place. It was random places and non-stop it seemed. After careful prayer and meditation, I felt the answer was that he needed to see that I was happy and well and didn’t react upon seeing him. Most times I didn’t even recognize him until after the fact. I thanked God for that answer and then prayed more and told God that since I had moved on so well, why couldn’t he give me someone who would understand me and accept me? Why couldn’t someone find my quirks and flaws adorable and not annoying? Then through the most unlikely source, Facebook, I was just chatting with this guy who is a friend of a friend and he was hilarious. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We hit it off like gangbusters. He is from where I now live. He lives kinda where I am from. We talk daily. I have come to adore him. He drives me crazy and I want to yell at him at times. At other times I would hug him as hard as I could.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day and she was like, “Dang, Girl! You sound happy!” I smiled and said, “I am.” It felt so weird to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But it felt so good to say that I am happy. For years I felt as if I was walking with a rain cloud over my head.

2015 hasn’t been perfect but it is so drastically different than last year. I am grateful.

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