survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “happiness”

Long Time Gone

I was gone too long from home. Going back to Alabama this weekend was just what I needed. I cried so much this weekend but it was cathartic. Many of those tears were tears of joy.

I went home because my aunt almost died last Wednesday. She rallied and is better. She is still nowhere near 100%. She is very ill and she is elderly. It’s not good. But she was talking when I got there and she knew me. She was confused, though. She asked me was I still married. No. I have been divorced 16 years. She laughed and said good. We all laughed at that.You find the humor where you can. She said some funny things in her confusion which was also really sad. But you focus on the good of it.That’s all you can do in hard times.

I had lost all of my childhood pictures years ago and another aunt was generous enough to share hers with me. I cried like a baby. I have pictures of me with my parents and other family members that are so precious. It broke my heart and made me so overwhelmed and overjoyed at the same time. I made everyone cry because I just couldn’t stop crying at first. The first pictures I saw had me sobbing.

I saw cousins and aunts and an uncle I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was blown away with how much love a heart can hold. It was amazing. I knew I loved them, but my heart was overflowing with love.

This morning I met with one of my oldest friends who I haven’t seen in 23 years. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and the one of the very best men of my generation I have ever met. I’m glad to have him as my best male friend. We got to meet for a quick breakfast and the only change in him is that he has gotten wiser and kinder with age. He told me I was still pretty and I actually believed it for a minute. I hugged him today for the first time in forever and it was like a time machine. I didn’t want to let go. It was as if I had gone back in time and hadn’t made all of the stupid mistakes in life, still had all of the people in my life that I had lost and I felt loved and safe. Who would want to let that go? Unfortunately, I had to. And thankfully for him, I only teared up a little. I couldn’t watch him drive away or I would have burst into tears. I had already cried so much that I just couldn’t do it.

I hit the road and drove through my hometown of Huntsville, Alabama and just soaked it in. I thought about the what-ifs of never having left and all of that. I love that place. My heart ached as I drove east towards Chattanooga. But I kept driving. It was an easy drive. I was happy to see the signs for Asheville, North Carolina, though. I have missed my mountains and my precious cats. It was good to get home here but I do miss home there.

Praying I can make another trip this summer or fall. I need it.

Thanks A Lot

For so many years I hated the holidays. I liked what Thanksgiving represented but it made me sad. It was the beginning of a season that I hated. This year I decided that I was going to make 2015 my year. Things were going to be better! Some how! Some way! It was going to be better!!!! With a lot of prayer and a lot of of getting out of my comfort zone, 2015 has been my year so far. It hasn’t been without its pitfalls and pain. But they were lessons that helped me be stronger. I got back up swinging.

So I am very thankful. I reconnected with my family, both blood and chosen. I was welcomed with open arms. I felt loved again. I got back in church. I have been dating someone who makes me smile more than I have in a long time. I have discovered what happy is. Happy scares me but I am enjoying it.

I have so much to be thankful for. Every little thing is something to give thanks for. I look back at all I have gone through and realize that while some of it was pretty terrible, I need to be more grateful in life. I have been working on that. It is hard at times, but it really makes a difference.

What a Difference A Year Makes

Last year at this time I was absolutely miserable. I hated just about everything in my life and was hopeless. I kept plugging along, though, with that grain of a mustard seed hope. Just enough to keep me going. I didn’t know if anything would seriously change, but I truly wanted it to. I kept praying for a miracle and finally I told God that 2015 just had to be my year. It had to because everything else had just sucked.

2015 started off with a bang. I had an interview for a wonderful job on my birthday in January and got it. I started two weeks later. I met wonderful people who I could actually call friends. I was able to start the Weight Watchers program at work immediately and start reclaiming my life. I began to feel like I mattered again. I felt like Amy. I don’t know if any of you remember the movie “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” but I felt like I was getting my groove back in life in general. Things were making sense again. Life wasn’t perfect and I didn’t have Taye Diggs but I was feeling more content being Amy. I was beginning to feel alright about who and what I was.

During this time, I kept seeing my ex all over town. I live in a small town and the odds of that are likely, but over the last four years I have never run into him. I think in a way God was protecting me from it.As it happened during this time, I was fine. Actually I was more than fine; I was annoyed. There was no racing heart or loss of breath. It was more like the urge to slap away an annoying gnat that is in your way. I did pray about it and ask why after all of this time he was popping up all over the place. It was random places and non-stop it seemed. After careful prayer and meditation, I felt the answer was that he needed to see that I was happy and well and didn’t react upon seeing him. Most times I didn’t even recognize him until after the fact. I thanked God for that answer and then prayed more and told God that since I had moved on so well, why couldn’t he give me someone who would understand me and accept me? Why couldn’t someone find my quirks and flaws adorable and not annoying? Then through the most unlikely source, Facebook, I was just chatting with this guy who is a friend of a friend and he was hilarious. I sent him a friend request. He accepted. We hit it off like gangbusters. He is from where I now live. He lives kinda where I am from. We talk daily. I have come to adore him. He drives me crazy and I want to yell at him at times. At other times I would hug him as hard as I could.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day and she was like, “Dang, Girl! You sound happy!” I smiled and said, “I am.” It felt so weird to say it. I don’t want to jinx it. But it felt so good to say that I am happy. For years I felt as if I was walking with a rain cloud over my head.

2015 hasn’t been perfect but it is so drastically different than last year. I am grateful.

Relearning Happy

Isn’t it funny how you can forget how to be happy? I did for a really long time. I was surviving, but not happy. I am now happy. I smile. I laugh. I sing. I’m happy. Sometimes to the point of being annoying. I am so grateful for my sarcasm and dry wit to balance things. Otherwise I would just make myself sick.

But yeah, I am relearning happy. It’s a strange thing. I think it is like when you get a new RX for glasses and can suddenly see. I use that analogy cause I’m also about blind as a bat. So when I get that new RX and can actually see, it is pure heaven. Clarity! It’s a nice feeling.

So I just thought I would tell y’all Amy is happy. In case you wondered. If not, I’m still happy. 🙂

When Happiness Was Easy

World-famous Crayola crayons are manufactured ...

Image via Wikipedia

Remember the days when happiness was that big ol’ 64 pack of Crayola® crayons? You could have a coloring book or just a lot of paper. It didn’t matter. Happiness was creation. And if you had that 64 pack of crayons  you could do anything! Right? Well, then they came out with bigger packs of crayons and then 64 wasn’t good enough. I wanted the bigger pack with MORE colors so that I could do more!

While the 64 pack made us happy for a while, we began to long for more and better. I think that pretty much sums up adulthood, too. We are briefly satisfied and then we start wanting more. Then we get a little more. It’s basically an addiction. You get a taste and you want more! Why? Because more equals better in most people’s eyes. It may not really be the case, but that is the way the majority of the world sees it.

Some days I just want that fresh pack of 64 crayons and some paper. I wonder if I’d be satisfied? Maybe momentarily. I know I would love the smell of those things. It was intoxicating. And I loved the fresh blunt point of a brand new crayon. I wasn’t happy when I had to peel the crayons to sharpen them. But I loved the sharpener. I mean, how cool was it having a built-in sharpener?! 🙂 I think I have learned through crayons that happiness is not always more. Yeah, it would be nice. But sometimes you’ve got to be happy with what you’ve got.

Post Navigation

Reflections

Inspiring people to live the life God intended them to live.

Fred's Food For Thought

Eat Well, Live Well

Our Little Family Adventure

Our family's adventure to eat healthy whole foods, get in the kitchen together, and enjoy life.

Hip2Save

Not Your Grandma's Coupon Site

notquiteold

Nancy Roman

The Byronic Man

We can rebuild him. We have the technology... Drier. Hilariouser. More satirical than before.

Creating J.Lyn

Be happy. Be you.

Bites of Life

Turning Spectators of Life into Players of Life!!

kathy rasmussen

the only way to do great work is to love what you do

Someone Like Me...

Better and Better, Day after Day...

Hiking Photography

Beautiful photos of hiking and other outdoor adventures.

On the Homefront

Reflections on life: the funny, poignant, serious and quirky

Successify!

Create a Life That Matters!

Rantings of an Amateur Chef

Food...cooking...eating....tools - What works, and what doesn't!

needlesspounds

One man's weight loss journey

Break Room Stories

Service Industry Stories and More Since 2012

milkandbreadreport

Just another WordPress.com site