survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “God”

If Only

If only life was like the movies I watch. I watch and see all of these happy endings. It gives hope. Is it false? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I watch these movies with crazy plot twists. Good usually overcomes evil. Love conquers all. There is a happily ever after.

I have also seen others in real life achieve it. But is it possible for me? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. If only.

There are promises all through the Bible about God giving us the desires of our hearts  and having a plan for us. I believe that. But there are times when I doubt for myself. I have believed and then had life blow up in my face. I know we have all hurt. I know. But when you have trusted and believed and honestly thought you had it right finally and it was a lie, it just makes you doubt everything.

I’m trying. I’m moving forward and doing what I should. Doing all the right things. I was before, too, though. I guess the only thing I can do is keep doing it and hoping and praying and keep doing what I know is right. Let go of the hurts and hold on to the promises of God. In the meantime, I’ll go back to being a nun who wears lipstick and doesn’t wear a habit.

Maybe life will all fall together. If only.

2015: A Personal Review

I went into 2015 with a lot pain and trying to believe it could get better. I am not the same person I was going into the year as I am now. That is a good thing!

I was at a point where I was unsure if life could get better. I prayed hard that I could find a new job and be able to make changes to feel better. Those prayers were answered! I found a job in a place where I am valued and have the chance to use my skills. I’m able to be involved and give input. I have regular hours. I have met wonderful people that I consider to be good friends. I have lost weight.

With all of this comes changes within myself. I had become a person I didn’t like. As I changed, I began to slowly become myself again. At first it was hard to recognize myself. Who was this woman who smiles and laughs? It was me! I can laugh! And I like to do it!!!! It felt good to be Amy again. I didn’t realize how much I missed myself.

I reacquainted myself with old friends. I found new friends. And I lost touch with some old friends. I hate that I lost touch with old friends. That hurt a lot. I tried to reconnect but sometimes you just have to wait on them and give them time or just accept that it is what it is. But it has been wonderful getting back in touch with old friends. And I have loved meeting new friends.

Then there was the whole dating thing. That was scary! There are some bad ones out there. But the good news is that there are some good ones, too! I was lucky enough to find a great one! He is a good man who I can’t say enough good things about.

2015 has been pretty good. There have been some bumps along the way. But you can’t appreciate the good without having some bad from time to time.

 

Judgment

We all make some sort of judgment about someone every day. We’re human; it’s going to happen. But we can try our best to stop it. When  we notice that ugliness inside of us starting to criticize or pick apart someone else, shut those thoughts down! You can choose to think about something else. Or if you can’t get whatever or whoever out of your mind, maybe say, “Who knows what they’ve gone through to get to this point?” Because honestly, do you  know what led them to that point?

None of us are perfect. And yes, we have all screwed up at some point or another. Aren’t you glad that you were able to get up and keep going? What if people kept pushing you down and tearing you apart? Some people do get treated that way. So how about not treating someone that way?

Maybe we should try to think a little more like Jesus. Matthew 7:1-5: “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and [a]by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how [b]can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Yes, we have to have discernment in life, but that doesn’t mean we should go around pointing out other people’s flaws. Get your own life perfect and maybe just maybe you have room to judge. But probably not. And discernment and judgment are completely different. Discernment is recognizing something and making a decision about whether it is good for you to do or not to do. Judgment is you actively judging another person’s actions in life. You need to realize that is God’s job. Let God do His job. He knows what He’s doing…I promise.

We Get What We Need

Sometimes we get what we need and not what we want. Today I wanted many things. I got what I needed. Thankfully one of those things was what I wanted as well. An old friend, one I have known half my life, sent a text asking if I could talk. He only had 10 minutes he said. We talked at least 20-30. I am so grateful he made time for me. I needed a friend today. I needed someone to tell me they cared. He told me he was sorry my heart had been hurting and that I deserved a lot better in life. He told me that he would be praying that I got what I needed in life because I deserved good. It meant the world to me. It was like a verbal hug. It was reassuring. It was calming. Someone loves me who has no reason to. Someone loves me just because I’m me. It meant a lot to know that he cared about my heart enough to reach out and take a few extra minutes that are precious and give them to me.

While I would love to have a magic wand waved over my life and everything to be fixed, I got exactly what I needed today. I thank God that he put me in my friend’s heart. It meant the world.

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

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