survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “Facebook”

I Have Tried

done

I have tried so many times to just reach out in life. It seems that it is not the right thing to do because of the backlash or the feelings I end up with. People have wondered why I live such a tight-knit life. This is why. And I’m at an age now where I have finally learned my lesson.

I tried. I really did. So I am taking a break. At the moment, I just can’t anymore. I have to take a break. If people want to reach out to me, fine. I’m willing. People have my phone number. They can call or text. But I am tired of having emotional doors shut in my face.

I have enough stress in my life without worry about efforts or anything else. I am taking a break. I’m taking a break from Facebook personally and from this blog at least for a while.

See ya when I see ya!

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Who Cares?

project 52, week 22

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Judge Much?

Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber ...

Most of my life I have felt judged. I didn’t look good enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I didn’t have enough money. I wasn’t thin enough. I didn’t do everything right. I didn’t say everything right. I wasn’t talented enough. Nothing was ENOUGH! And there were lots of people around to let me know that I was absolutely right! I was never going to be enough. No matter how much I tried, they didn’t think my efforts were going to be enough.

Finally in adulthood I was like, “What am I doing? Why am I trying so hard?! Why does it matter?” Know what? Personally, it doesn’t! I got tired of being a people-pleaser. It wasn’t pleasing me. I wasn’t be myself really. I wasn’t happy when others were still not satisfied. I felt frustrated. And I was still constantly judged. Who do I need to please? Myself and God. If I can live with myself daily and I can live with my relationship with God, I think I am good. I can always do better in life. That is a given. Who couldn’t? But I don’t have to ask others to be ok with who I am. You like me or not. I’m too old to play games and I am too old to care what you think. I am over it. I will always strive to do better in life, but it will be for personal edification and not to please others.

Recently I was reading a post on Facebook about one person posting about how someone might not be a Christian because of their posts. I like this person. But that bothered me. What if someone was having a bad day and said something with “curse” words in it? Does that make them not a Christian? I don’t think so. Which words are off-limits? Is it ok to talk about drinking but not cussing? I mean, where is the line on this? It really bothered me. If you’re friends with someone, be friends with them and accept them. Their Christianity is their own to deal with. It is not your responsibility.

Personally, I know I cuss too much. I know it. I have talked to God about it. I cuss so I don’t explode. But I guess what I don’t get it is if you don’t agree with someone, then stop being their friend and stop judging them. Do any of us have a right to judge someone else? I don’t know what you deal with. If you heard some of the crap I deal with you might be like, “How does she not snap?!” I cuss too much. I deal with a lot of stress and I feel like my head would blow off if I didn’t let that steam out in some way. Some days I can curtail my mouth and some days I can’t. Some days after you have been told what a terrible human you are and how awful you are and you can’t say anything back to someone, you wait until you are away from the person and then let a stream come out that sometimes turns blue to prevent your head from exploding.

Matthew 7:3-5: Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Yeah, that was Jesus talking. So if He is saying to not judge, maybe we as mere mortals need to take the advice. It’s hard. We’re always going to judge in some fashion. It’s human nature. We do it so well. But most of us don’t like being judged and so most of us need to quit judging. If you want to influence others, a more positive approach is to lead by example. Showing a positive example is the best way to live I think. (I’m trying to cut back on the cussing and deal with stress more positively. So far I haven’t done so well, but I keep trying!)

Cleaning House In All Ways

Cover of "Clean House"

I have thought that it is time to clean house in all ways. If I don’t want to live a chaotic life, I need to get rid of the chaos in general. That means things and people. Sometimes it is hard to do because these things and people have been part of my life for so long that they have become a part of it. But they have also created chaos and I really don’t want chaos in my life anymore. I was thinking about my life and realized if you don’t want chaos that you can’t have chaotic things in it. Chaos creators will always create chaos. It’s their nature. They can’t help it. Or they don’t want to help it.

Whatever the case, I think that to streamline my life and make it more calm that I have to start cleaning house. I am not worried about getting rid of the physical junk. It is junk. It can go. I will miss some “stuff” but I can get better stuff that serves a better purpose later. As for the people? Well, some are just on Facebook. The “unfriend” button will be helpful. Some will not even notice. Some will. I suppose if they ask I will just say that they’re no longer appropriate for my life. There are also others I can’t get out of my life but I have limited interactions with to as little as possible. I have already started that in a way. It starts making things easier.

So have you done this? How did it go?

I’m looking forward to a cleaned house and life!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

A Christmas tree inside a home.

Usually Christmas gets me down. For some reason, not this year. I have been happy, introspective, and reflective. I have not allowed myself to focus so much on myself and my usual grief. The holiday season brings up loss for me and how much I have lost. I could sit and whine and cry about the fact that I have lost 95% of the people I ever loved but I just didn’t want to this year. And I will say it probably took a good decade to quit that. This year my focus was on the reason for the season (I know how corny that sounds). It’s the celebration of the birth of my Savior and his life. Another focus for me was the way Jesus lived his life and how he helped people and loved people. My parents loved doing this, too. And at this time of year there are so many people in need. I am a bargain shopper and was able to look for great bargains and find some wonderful deals and wonderful gifts for some kids for Christmas.

I also found ways to give that didn’t cost me a dime. There were organizations that benefitted just by me “liking” something on Facebook. I can click a button! I can like something if that means they are going to get money!

Today if you want to give a present to someone you don’t know, you still can. You can go to an online group that has lots of people that needs help financially with applications requesting funding. It is a legitimate group and all you have to do is decide what dollar amount you want to give and pull out your money card and put it in! It’s that simple. It’s called Modest Needs and they have many people who have requested help. It’s a year round organization so don’t let my Christmas post fool you.

Merry Christmas! I wish your heart be merry and light and all your Christmases be bright.

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