the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “death”


Home. Nostalgia. I think of You Can’t Go Home Again by Thomas Wolfe. Can you? Is home ever the same?

It seems I only go home for death and funerals. I had a trip planned with my ex where we were going to visit my family for fun. Instead, this weekend I am going home because of my sick aunt. I am very worried about her and sad. It brings up a lot of memories.

I haven’t been home in several years. I haven’t had the money or time off from work. Now I do.I need to go. I think I need it not only for my aunt but for me. I need to clear my clouded head. I need to feel love and support from my family. I need those familiar people who know what a screw up I am but love me anyway. Those people who will hug me and laugh and cry with me at the same time. Who understand my tears. I have so many. I am a crier and they know it. I can cry on a dime. They know I’m a tender-heart and admonish me for it but know it is who I am. They know all of my hurts and know that I’m scarred and blemished and that is what makes me Amy. And I can’t help it.

I need home right now. My heart needs it. My head needs it. My soul needs it.

I think that while everything will always change, home will always be home.


Does It Ever End?


In Memory 

Grief. Does it ever end? I think it must depend on the level of the relationship. The grief I am writing about is the loss of my mother. She died 17 years ago today. A part of me died 17  years ago as well. I have never fully recovered. It was a shocking, unexpected death. It was the most traumatic day of my life.

People tell me to do something to honor her memory. I do so every day. I keep breathing. That is honoring her memory. I wanted to die that day. I have wanted to die several days since then. So keeping on breathing is honoring her.

People wonder why it still is so painful and devastating so many years later. We had a bond that was more than I can describe. We were mother and daughter. We were friends. We were enemies. We were co-dependent. We were a piece of each other. She knew my secrets and I knew most of hers. I have since found out the rest of them since her passing and they made the pieces of the puzzle fit.

I have missed this woman every day since she passed. I have missed myself every day since she passed. I lost my mother. I lost myself. I am a fraction of who I was. I once laughed with abandonment. Now I am filled with fear of abandonment. The loss of my mother was the beginning of a snowball effect that has never seemed to stop. It was the beginning of so many losses.

June 10, 1996. I hate that date. It feels as if it sealed my fate. I know that isn’t true. I have fought that ever since then and it feels like a fight that has been mostly alone. Some days I have been so mentally and physically tired from it and other days the adrenaline from the anger has pushed me to keep fighting like hell.

I still miss my mother. I will until the end of time. Mama, I love you.

What do you say?


What do you say about what happened in Connecticut? It is something so horrific that I don’t know that there are words. My heart aches for those people who are affected by what happened. I cannot even imagine what they must be suffering. I can’t imagine what the survivors are feeling. I can’t imagine any of it. All I know is that there is a heaviness in my heart that is filled with prayers and support for these people who have gone through so much. I am so sorry for their pain and loss. I don’t want to write much about it because writing about someone else’s pain is hard. I just want to show love and respect for these people.

Sandy Hook residents, you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Aubrey sat there and felt dead inside. That was the only way to describe it. Empty and dead. It was appropriate. All she could think about was the people she’d lost and buried years ago. She felt as dead as they were. It had only been ten years since she buried them. Amazing how time didn’t cure all wounds. It was a lie. How many times had people patted her hand or back and quietly said that time heals all wounds? She wished she could go back in time and tell them to quit lying.

It was Saturday night. Most people her age were either out celebrating life or enjoying their families. She was home alone. Well, she wasn’t completely alone. Her two cats were there with her. Luna and Bella kept her company when no one else would. They were her confidantes, her therapists, her friends.

At first she couldn’t figure out why today was so sentimental. Finally it dawned on her. Another anniversary. It seemed like every day was an anniversary of something. Every day was a reminder of lost loved ones. Typically she could numb herself in some way. Medications worked sometimes. Alcohol worked. Sometimes throwing herself into projects numbed her brain and body. Today was a day where a cocktail was needed. A little Xanax taken with a shot of tequila. She would feel better soon. And if not, hopefully she would just fall asleep.

The TV was on. She tried watching but there was nothing on that caught her mind, attention or heart. She just kept replaying conversations, moments, and just things that hurt. She wanted to turn the movies in her head off and focus on the TV. If only it was that easy. Her therapist had worked with her on techniques. Nothing was working. She wanted to scream. It would scare the cats. Instead she nestled deeper into the covers of the bed and pulled them around her. She left the TV on and lay there crying. She tried to not make too much noise. She didn’t want to scare the cats.

 (This is part of the creative writing/fiction that I am working on.)

Letter to Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I miss you. You and I didn’t have the easiest or best relationship. I’m sorry. I’d give anything in the world to have you back. I miss you so much. I am thinking about you right now and thinking how you thought of me as you were dying. You didn’t want me to be alone in that house when you died. You waited until I had someone with me before you left me and you waited until the day after my anniversary to leave. That was something so sweet and loving and I never got to tell you how much it meant to me that you were thinking of me so much. We may have had a lot of rocky times, but we loved each other. I know you are so much happier and not in pain. And I know you are with Mama. That eases my heart and mind more than anything in the world. I just miss you both so much. I love you, Daddy.


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