survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Archive for the tag “dating”

Expectations

When we were younger we pretty much said whatever we wanted and really didn’t care what others thought. If it worked, great. If it didn’t, great. As we have gotten older, that doesn’t work. In every situation we must evaluate our words because they’re judged. There are some expectations in every circumstance when we communicate. Our words must have some meaning, some depth, some semblance of intelligence and humor all in one, or something like that.

I was thinking about this as I thought about some conversations about dating. The word “dating” immediately makes me shake my head and do an eye roll. I’m single so I shouldn’t do this. Dating is a necessary evil if I want to change my relationship status. But what also comes to mind with this horrific word is another word: expectations.

For many, online dating is the way to go. We are such a busy society that it is often difficult to meet people. Who wants to try to date at work? That’s a tragedy waiting to happen if something goes wrong. So many of us turn to dating sites to rescue us from the single state we seem to disdain so much. With this comes so many expectations!

We have to write a profile. Who likes describing themselves? Well, a narcissist would. But most people aren’t narcissists. Well, sometimes it does seem like they are, but I really don’t think so. The thing is that you’re selling yourself. As you write this profile you are hoping and expecting to find someone compatible. Some people spend hours writing and re-writing the profile because you want it to bring the perfect match.

Next we have to get the profile picture right. Do I look too fat? Do I look happy enough? Do I look too serious? The thing is that the person looking at your profile expects to find the perfect person. Expectations are high. If they’re paying to use the site, they want the biggest bang for their buck.

Next comes the interactions. All of the work has been put in and finally people are ready to chat, flirt, etc. It seems the expectations are different from what I have seen and heard. Men seem to want to flirt. But they don’t seem to know how to do it to the level of what women want. Women expect something more than, “Hey beautiful.” That crap doesn’t fly IRL and it certainly doesn’t fly in virtual world either. In fact, it is pretty annoying. Men, lemme give you a hint, if you’re looking at a woman’s profile, READ IT! We expect that. We expect nice words. We expect you to put some effort in!! “Hey.” That is not effort. I say that to the mailman. I am not asking him out.

But here’s another thing that I think we need to look at…ladies, I think we need to quit having such high expectations from these guys who really know nothing about us. Frankly, it takes some nerve for some of them to say hello. Sometimes they fumble over words and are not the brightest when it comes to what they should say. We are all different. So maybe we should give them a SMALL chance before swiping left. Sometimes you do just know. Believe me, I do know that. Especially if you know it was a copy and paste deal. But sometimes some of them have been as screwed over as we have. Sometimes some of them are as shy as we are.

Another thing I would like to tell men about expectations, women expect you to be a gentleman. If you don’t want to continue to see us, that is fine. But stop with the whole BS of ghosting. BE A MAN. Just say it. It’s really simple. Most women will agree. Most women will say that’s fine. But it really pisses us off when a man is such a coward that he can’t even say it. So man up!

All in all, I don’t think we should lower our expectations to a complete zero. I think, though, that we should all realize that we’re not perfect and we are dealing with other humans who aren’t as well. We stumble, fumble and fail. We’re not always going to get it right. We trip over our own tongues. Well, at least I do. There’s a reason I am single. I am great at communicating a lot of things, but not when it comes to matters of the heart. I am pretty sure there’s more out there like me who don’t always have the right thing to say and kick themselves for it.

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Update to Dating

I thought I would move forward like a man would. I just can’t. My heart isn’t like a man’s. I’m not ready to date. For now I’ll just let my heart mend. I have been asked out by a few guys and it just didn’t feel right. It’s not fair to them and I didn’t feel comfortable. So it’s best for now not to. I guess he meant more to me than I meant to him. Seems that is the way it goes in most cases anyway.

A Funny Thing Happened

I’m thinking about dating again. Thinking is not doing. But I went back to the scene of the crime…the dating site where I met the guy. So he is back there, too. So the dating site says that we are compatible and would we like to meet? I laughed in an uncomfortable way as I clicked the NO button. I wish it was a HELL NO button, but it isn’t.

The algorithm says we are a match. We were for a bit. It is just almost comical but it isn’t. It’s painful, too. I’m moving on and forward. But you don’t want that reminder of something so painful thrown in your face…even by a stupid dating site. I know it isn’t intentional, but it’s not the best feeling in the world.

So I’m being brave and moving forward. And I told the site that, no, I don’t want to meet him. I couldn’t tell it I already met him and it didn’t work so well. In fact it was worse than not so well. But in a way, a funny thing happened.

2015: A Personal Review

I went into 2015 with a lot pain and trying to believe it could get better. I am not the same person I was going into the year as I am now. That is a good thing!

I was at a point where I was unsure if life could get better. I prayed hard that I could find a new job and be able to make changes to feel better. Those prayers were answered! I found a job in a place where I am valued and have the chance to use my skills. I’m able to be involved and give input. I have regular hours. I have met wonderful people that I consider to be good friends. I have lost weight.

With all of this comes changes within myself. I had become a person I didn’t like. As I changed, I began to slowly become myself again. At first it was hard to recognize myself. Who was this woman who smiles and laughs? It was me! I can laugh! And I like to do it!!!! It felt good to be Amy again. I didn’t realize how much I missed myself.

I reacquainted myself with old friends. I found new friends. And I lost touch with some old friends. I hate that I lost touch with old friends. That hurt a lot. I tried to reconnect but sometimes you just have to wait on them and give them time or just accept that it is what it is. But it has been wonderful getting back in touch with old friends. And I have loved meeting new friends.

Then there was the whole dating thing. That was scary! There are some bad ones out there. But the good news is that there are some good ones, too! I was lucky enough to find a great one! He is a good man who I can’t say enough good things about.

2015 has been pretty good. There have been some bumps along the way. But you can’t appreciate the good without having some bad from time to time.

 

Thanks A Lot

For so many years I hated the holidays. I liked what Thanksgiving represented but it made me sad. It was the beginning of a season that I hated. This year I decided that I was going to make 2015 my year. Things were going to be better! Some how! Some way! It was going to be better!!!! With a lot of prayer and a lot of of getting out of my comfort zone, 2015 has been my year so far. It hasn’t been without its pitfalls and pain. But they were lessons that helped me be stronger. I got back up swinging.

So I am very thankful. I reconnected with my family, both blood and chosen. I was welcomed with open arms. I felt loved again. I got back in church. I have been dating someone who makes me smile more than I have in a long time. I have discovered what happy is. Happy scares me but I am enjoying it.

I have so much to be thankful for. Every little thing is something to give thanks for. I look back at all I have gone through and realize that while some of it was pretty terrible, I need to be more grateful in life. I have been working on that. It is hard at times, but it really makes a difference.

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