survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Healing My Heart

I have tried to figure out how to heal my heart. I love(d) a man that for some reason coudln’t/wouldn’t/didn’t love me even though he swore up and down that he did. And my foolish heart doesn’t want to not love him. My heart is stubborn. It has battled with my brain so often through the years that I can’t make either of them behave. I sometimes just have to endure the battle and most times wait and cry through it. Often each of them are right in one way or another but that doesn’t help the conflict.

In situations like this, it is black or white. If a person is going to care about you, they’re going to choose to care. It’s that simple. My brain is telling my heart that no matter what struggles this man is going through, he has to care enough about me to share them with me so we could handle them together or it is nothing. My heart is like but he has a lot to deal with, blah, blah, blah. Today my brain is winning. Yes, he may have a lot to deal with. But he had a strong woman to help him. I have dealt with some of the worst things on this earth all by myself and I am someone who is strong and can stand with someone through the toughest of times. I would walk through fire for someone I love. But he has to be willing to let me and he has to want my love. If you don’t want it and  you push me away and hurt me, then I have to accept that and the hurt that comes with it. I will cry until there are no more tears. And that will take a long time. I have so many tears within me that I feel as if I will never stop. I have to eventually. I just have to.

I’m moving towards healing my heart even though that is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to feel stupid for loving him. I’m tired of feeling inadequate. I hate feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hate all the questions.

The only way I know to heal my heart is to continue with my work daily (except today because I have a migraine from hell), continue with my art, continue with writing and just pray without ceasing. I feel as if my heart was already cracked and broken. There are pieces that broke off that lie in a pile of dust. God can perform miracles. Maybe one of His will be to piece back some of my heart. He can do anything but that is going to be a tough job. Maybe He can dry my tears eventually since it seems that all I do when I get to a safe place (home) is cry. Psalm 56:8 says “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8 (NLT). He must have wine barrels of mine stored away and huge books for all of the tears I have cried. I seem to cry without ceasing.

I am working on the healing process and just trying to remind myself the man I love(d) just couldn’t love me so that I am not filled with bitterness or hate. I don’t want to believe there was maliciousness involved. That would make it even worse. And finally, I continue to pray for him. Because even stupid people need prayers. And obviously he is stupid to have thrown away a woman who could and would love him so much. I can’t turn the love off like a spigot, but I am trying to do something to ease it.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me and my stupid heart to heal. I was doing wonderfully this year until I fell in love and then the love stopped. I never thought I would hear those words again. And now they’re gone and it is like a piece of me is missing. Thank you. God bless.

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