survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

This Week In Review

So this past week has SUCKED. There have been lots of ups and downs. Mostly downs. I’m trying to move up again. It’s not easy. It’s like pushing against a brick wall. Unless a brick is loose, that wall ain’t moving.

So the first bad thing was my car needed a lot of little things done to it. It was financially draining. It was frustrating.

I had a boyfriend one minute and then I didn’t. It was weird, confusing and all out painful. I don’t open up easily but I let him break down walls that I never thought would break. I felt like the Berlin Wall being torn down. “Mr. Gorbechev, tear down that wall!” Well I tore mine down.” I’m glad they tore theirs down, but I guess I should have left mine up. I am now left with ashes and rubble. There’s lots of tears and questions. I know there’ll never be answers. I got pieces of an answer but I don’t believe it. You don’t flip from one extreme to another like that without out stuff going on. And it hurts like hell. You’d think it wouldn’t be this painful but it is. The problem is that I don’t have emotions like a water spigot. It doesn’t just turn off. It’s still dripping and each drip hurts.

And I learned a lot about others as well. Some people genuinely care if and when you fall apart and others will walk around you and act like they never saw you crying. I had things said to me that I would never say to others. Sometimes even when you think something, you need to realize that you need to reach out to the person at the place where they are. What if a person was standing on a ledge and their life really was hopeless? Would you tell them to go ahead and jump because they really had nothing to live for? I hope not.

I did have some good friends reach out, though. One gave me flowers at work to make me smile. They were tired of the puppy-dog eyes that were close to tears all the time. They wanted their smiling, happy, singing Amy back. I can’t sing yet but I did smile through my tears.

I learned a lot about myself as well. I learned it is ok to cry and weep and wail. It is ok to just let my emotions out. I have had to be strong all my life. Most times people depended on me to pull through for everyone. It gets to the point where you just have to let go and cry. I learned to listen to God more. I behaved. Even when I wanted to smack someone. I learned to curb my hateful tongue.

I learned that a person can go on even though there is a hole in their hear the size of Texas. I don’t know how it beats, but it does.

All in all, this week SUCKED.

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