survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Fake Sun

I have lived so long without love that I never thought I would feel it again. It is somewhat like living in the dark and never seeing or feeling the sun. You get used to that darkness and the warmth and radiance of the sun is scary but also a very pleasant feeling.

For a brief time I had what I think of now as a pseudo-version of that. I suppose it was like dim flourescent lights of a tanning bed. They glowed and gave similar feelings, but they weren’t true. Then the lights died. And even though the lights died, I missed them. That light radiant glow warmed my skin and made me feel something other than darkness. It brought color back into my cheeks. My eyes sparkled.

Without the false sun, I wasn’t sure what to do. I was scared to venture into the real sun. It was bright and much shinier. It was terrifying. It didn’t feel safe.

It’s scary when you’re trying to decide whether to stay in the safety of the darkness because you know what is there. Or do you eventually make yourself see the sun? The sun is bright and scary and shows every flaw.

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