survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Life Is Crazy

I had given up this blog. I wasn’t coming back. But life is crazy.

This is all about me and my perceptions of situations. Lord knows I have enough opinions. I figured I needed to get them out of my head and heart from time to time to not explode.

Today…I miss belonging and home. I have lived in WNC for 18 years and yet I miss Alabama today so badly that my chest wants to explode. I miss home. I miss family. I miss what I knew. I miss my everything. I miss the comfort that the people and places gave me. WNC is wonderful but the comfort I had growing up in the Tennessee Valley doesn’t compare.

I miss my mother telling me that everything is going to be alright even though the world is upside down and feels like it will never be alright again. She had a way about her that instilled confidence. She loved and it made me feel the world was right no matter what. I may be 44 but I need that. I haven’t had it for 19 years and you never get over that longing. There are times I need it as much as I need air. And I can’t have it. I won’t have it until I die. and that hurts.

I feel out of sorts and out of kilter. I want guidance and there is no one to guide me. I have God. I always have and always will. But sometimes I need that tangible source to talk to me and reassure me. It’s lonely to not have that. Self-soothing is not effective in situations like this. When your heart is shattered and all you can do is look at the pieces, you need the reassurance that some of the pieces will fit back together. Without that, you feel like you need to get the dust pan and sweep it all up and toss it because there is no way all of those pieces will ever fit. They’re a mess…just like me. A jumbled mess.

Life is crazy. I am doing the best I can. But today is a day where I need something and someone I can’t have. I sit and cry and it is useless. But I still cry some more. Why? Because it is the only thing that seems like the right thing to do. Nothing else worked. Maybe releasing the tears from my body will allow something positive in.

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