the ups and downs of life

Does It Ever End?


In Memory 

Grief. Does it ever end? I think it must depend on the level of the relationship. The grief I am writing about is the loss of my mother. She died 17 years ago today. A part of me died 17  years ago as well. I have never fully recovered. It was a shocking, unexpected death. It was the most traumatic day of my life.

People tell me to do something to honor her memory. I do so every day. I keep breathing. That is honoring her memory. I wanted to die that day. I have wanted to die several days since then. So keeping on breathing is honoring her.

People wonder why it still is so painful and devastating so many years later. We had a bond that was more than I can describe. We were mother and daughter. We were friends. We were enemies. We were co-dependent. We were a piece of each other. She knew my secrets and I knew most of hers. I have since found out the rest of them since her passing and they made the pieces of the puzzle fit.

I have missed this woman every day since she passed. I have missed myself every day since she passed. I lost my mother. I lost myself. I am a fraction of who I was. I once laughed with abandonment. Now I am filled with fear of abandonment. The loss of my mother was the beginning of a snowball effect that has never seemed to stop. It was the beginning of so many losses.

June 10, 1996. I hate that date. It feels as if it sealed my fate. I know that isn’t true. I have fought that ever since then and it feels like a fight that has been mostly alone. Some days I have been so mentally and physically tired from it and other days the adrenaline from the anger has pushed me to keep fighting like hell.

I still miss my mother. I will until the end of time. Mama, I love you.

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9 thoughts on “Does It Ever End?

  1. I just want to give you a big hug…I don’t think we ever really stop grieving…we just keep putting one foot in front of the other…I know sometimes the pain hits you just like it did when it first happened…I’m thinking about you.

  2. so sorry you are struggling…i lost my mom, too, and i think we never really get over losing our mothers, do we? sometimes i miss her more than i did way back then (i was 30 when she died…i’m now 55) but i also believe she is not as far away as we imagine….somehow i think the veil between here and beyond is very thin…i talk to my mom and dad almost every day. maybe it helps me to believe this, i’m not sure..?
    anyhow, sending hugs your way…c

    • Thank you. I miss both my parents. I lost Mama when I was 25 and Daddy when I was 26. It was really hard. Mama’s death was sudden and Daddy’s was a long battle with cancer. Mama was 49 and Daddy was 62. Holidays and anniversaries are difficult. Last weekend was the anniversary of Mama’s death and this week is Father’s Day. I just hate these dates. Thank you so much for your kindness. 🙂

  3. I relate. I also hate holidays! You’ve survived much loss, as have I . I was 15 when dad died. I work alongside a grief counsellor…she says grief never really ends…it just ebbs and flows throughout life. sometimes we are ok, other times, not so ok. losing both parents within a year must have been devastating! and so young, as well. extra big hugs to you….c
    ps: have you ever written them letters? or held a special ceremony to honor them, or to say things that you were never able to say? i’ve found those two things immensely helpful, especially when i’m right in the middle of the grief again.
    pss: be extra nice to yourself! treat yourself with the utmost kindness during these times…xo

    • Thanks. There were many things that were left unsaid. I have tried writing letters and sometimes it has been useful. I have found myself angry at times and then other times needing my parents so much. It is funny how the emotional range is. But the bottom line is that I miss them terribly. We loved and fought and loved. No matter what, there was always love. We went through a lot of hard times. I have come to terms with why they had to go when they did. It just left me very alone. Thank you again for such care. I truly am grateful that there are such nice people in the world.

    • I’m re-reading your comments and finding such comfort in them. Thank you. I am also feeling so bad for your losses. Hugs!

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