the ups and downs of life

Archive for the day “October 8, 2012”

I Have A Heart

I went to the cardiologist’s office today to get my event monitor. Big, scary place. I was amazed at their efficiency. I was in and out of that place in 30 minutes. I have been having these flutters that just don’t feel right and my doctor was concerned. So I have to wear this thing and when I feel them I have to press a button for this device to take a reading. I suppose it is like a mini-EKG. Then I have to call LifeWatch and transmit the data to them.

It was scary when I first started having these feelings. I mean, Mama died at 49. I am almost 42. Then today at the office they’re asking who is your ER contact. That almost made me cry but I stayed strong. Why did it upset me? I don’t have anyone “close” like a significant other and it was a nice little reminder of that. I usually don’t care too much. I am busy with a lot of great things. But when they are asking about pretty serious issues that relate to your mortality? You care. Yeah. It is natural. It is that painful reminder that you normally don’t have at the forefront of your consciousness.

But for the people who wondered, yes, Amy has a heart. And know what else? It flutters.

Burning Bridges

About a Burning Fire

I am one who hates to truly set fire to a bridge. Then there are times when I feel that some people have poured the kerosene and handed me the matches and actually asked me to strike one til it is lit. Have you ever felt this way? It’s not a pleasant feeling. I have felt it in many situations such as with work, family and friends. It is one of those no-win situations where if you confront the person you are going to have an argument ┬áthat is going to leave you feeling terrible and if you don’t confront them you feel terrible, too.

I bring this up because I have been facing this issue and so has a friend. We were discussing it recently and we were just perplexed at what to do. We went back and forth on how to handle it. We had previously tried confronting the people that were affecting us so negatively and it was like talking to a wall. There was no accountability for the way the situation was going on the other person’s part and then accusations were actually thrown at us that we were causing the problem.

In my situation I was told I need to get over the fact that the person who was doing some work for me did a half-assed job. They tried so I shouldn’t complain. What?! They got paid for a job and then I had to re-do it. I’m not saying write them off entirely as a human. I’m saying tell them to do it right in order to get paid. (It is a free-lance, paid by the gig job and not by the hour job.) I am sorry but I don’t expect half-assed work for full-assed pay. They may have a lot going on in their life, but so do I. Turn off the drama and do the work. When I brought up the problems in the past, I was told I was being too picky. Too picky to expect a job to be done right? I don’t think so.

In my friend’s situation, it is a trickier situation where she has someone who is constantly has someone harrassing her about eveyrthing she does. But if they do something wrong she can’t bring it up. It’s not like she is trying to throw them under the bus. She is just trying to point out a legitimate error and fix it. But everyone else tries to say that she is trying to get back at someone. They can dish criticism without being able to take it. It’s not fair.

We are both rather aggravated and ready to just say screw it! But you can’t light that match. They may have poured the kerosene but I can’t light it. But it is so frustrating!!!! What to do? Maybe I’ll sit here and let the fumes lull me into a stupor.

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