survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Weddings and Funerals

My friend and I were discussing weddings and funerals last night. We decided that at both you should be given a Valium upon entrance and exit. They are both things that you generally don’t want to go to and probably need pharmaceutical help to endure.

We laughed about my wedding many moons ago. After I had said “I do” and had walked back down the aisle with my groom, I had a panic attack. In the vestibule of the church I was hyperventilating and asking “what have we done? Oh my God! Oh my God! What have we done?!?!?!?!” Looking back, I see the humor in this. At the time all I could feel was panic and the urge to run back into the church and say I really didn’t mean it. At that point it was a little too late. I almost feel sorry for my ex now. I mean, here he was on his wedding day having to console his bride and tell her that everything was going to be alright. I barely remember cutting the cake or taking the pictures. But the memory of my panic attack will be etched into my brain forever.

As for the funeral portion….well, I survived my parents’ funerals with Valium. Thankfully my family doctor recognized shock when he heard it over the phone and had the foresight to call me in a prescription. (For which I am eternally grateful) I somewhat remember my parents’ funerals. I remember shaking hands with what seemed like a gazillion people and saying what good people they were. I also remember at my mother’s visitation getting a case of the giggles at the coffin with my cousins. We were laughing at the fact that I had put my mother’s house shoes on her feet instead of her real shoes. I wanted to bury Mama in her nightgown and housecoat but my family wouldn’t allow it so I did at least give her her house shoes. She hated wearing dress shoes. So my cousins and I giggled about that. Mama also took her cigarette case with her to the grave. That didn’t go over too well either, but my cousins and I agreed that she needed that. So we all giggled. I know that it may seem irreverent, but that’s the way it is with my family…we often giggle at inappropriate moments, especially under the influence of pharmaceuticals.

So I really think that Valium should be passed out upon entrance and exit at weddings and funerals. It makes the whole thing tolerable. If you are one of the people who gets asked “so when are you gonna get married?” you just won’t even care. And at the funeral, you’ll be too busy remembering things that make you laugh to think about the pain of the moment.

And the wonderful thing is that you wouldn’t even have to wrap them! You just pass them out like mints. “Here you go! Thank you for coming!” and everybody smiles.

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