survivingmiddleage

the ups and downs of life

Who I Am

I guess some people wonder why I am sensitive. Well, that is part of who I am. Do I like having a tender heart? No. I have tried to toughen it up. And you’d think with all the crap life has handed me that I just wouldn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s actually quite the opposite. I care more. I guard my heart, but once you are in you are in. I don’t give up on people or love easily, which hurts me more than I would like.

I am single and 40. I have two cats. They have been my only “family” for a while. My ex that I was going to marry decided he liked things that are bad for you more than he liked me. He was the only other man I ever fell in love with other than my now ex-husband. I didn’t have a serious relationship for 7 years after my divorce because I just couldn’t open my heart enough. Then the snake slithered in. Then almost 5 years later he slithered out.

You’d think that at 40 I would have my shit together. I wish! I think my 20s really screwed me up pretty bad. I lost both my parents within a span of 12.5 months. I was 25 when Mama died and 26 when Daddy died. In between their deaths I lost my grandmother, grandmother-in-law and a couple of friends. That’s a lot of loss for such a short time. I didn’t get to grieve properly because I was taking care of my father who was dying of lung cancer and emphysema. I was separated from my husband for almost a year to take care of Daddy. It was what I felt was right at the time and looking back I wouldn’t have traded anything for that time with Daddy. I would, on the other hand, trade the ex-husband sooner than he traded me if I could go back. 🙂 But I can’t. So the now ex-hubby and I moved to Asheville, NC after Daddy died and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t my normal self. Well, it’s called depression. And I had it severely. It was debilitating. I lost my parents. I was an only child. And I had a husband who told me more than once that I should “just get over it.” My dog died soon after my parents. It was my last link to our little family. It seemed that every time I started to get on my feet that I would get knocked down. Then I started healing. And then the next thing I know I came home from work to find my husband holding separation papers. He had packed his stuff while I was at work. Cowardly I think. So I pitched a fit and threw a few things and cussed like a sailor and punched a wall. Then I told him to leave. He did. But not for long. He was confused and was back and forth for about 3 months and finally I had enough. I told him to come home and work on things or stay gone. He chose to stay gone. I chose to try to survive.

By the time I was 30 I was alone and depressed. Through the years I worked in jobs I never felt satisfied in. Then I “fell in love.” What a mess that was! Took years to get to it, and frankly I should have waited LONGER! 🙂 But I fell in love with a charming, good-looking man who turned out to be horrible for me. I won’t discuss all the negativity but let’s just say it was more than one person should tolerate. But I love hard and strong and I don’t give up. Well, finally it came to a point where it wasn’t going to work and I had to see it. I never thought I could hurt as much as when I lost my parents. But I did. Oh God, did I! I had pain inside me that was unbelievable. I loved that man more than he ever deserved. He left me with a pile of bills, an expensive apartment and 2 cats.

I wouldn’t have made it without the cats…they are the ones who loved me unconditionally. I would cry and they would crawl up in my lap and let me just hold them. They sensed the pain I was in and tried their best to comfort me. I could only carry on for them for a while. I didn’t care about anything other than them. Today I care about them AND me. We are surviving. We don’t jump at every sound anymore. They don’t look out the window for their “Daddy” anymore. It is just us. We have people who care, but our family is Amy, Chloe & Soleil.

So sometimes if I am overly sensitive, please understand…I don’t want to be or mean to be. I’ve been through a lot and am really sensitive. I can’t help it. Believe me I have tried! But if you take the time to know me, then you’ll realize I can be your best friend if you are good to me. And if you’re not, I can be your worst enemy…ask the ex. 🙂

Take care and God bless!

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