Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Something to Think About

Watch your thoughts; they become words.

Watch your words; they become actions.

Watch your actions; they become habits.

Watch your habits; they become character.

Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. —Lao-Tze

We All Have “Stuff”

Have you ever noticed how other people think their “stuff” is more important than yours? I deal with this daily. I think because I am single with no kids that everyone assumes I just don’t have anything to do other than cater to their whims. I was hit with this assumption yet again last night and when I said no, I couldn’t drop everything, they were like , “Well, what do I do?” It took so much for me not to say, “You deal with it.” I am sorry they have stuff going on, but I have a lot on my plate, too. I don’t have time to play Mama to adults. I also don’t have the patience for the whining or the guilt trips. I’m sorry, but when I was going through some of the most horrific times of my life, I still dealt with my life and did what I needed to do. Like it or not! (And for the record, I didn’t like it.)

I don’t know if I just have a lot of entitled people in my life or if my give a damn is busted. But there comes a point where I have to say no. Just because  someone has my phone number and can dial it doesn’t mean that I’ll pick it up on the first ring. I can’t be someone’s beck and call girl (wow, I just said call girl) all the time. I have personal things to attend to and have very limited time to do so. It frustrates me to no end that people try to guilt me. And then even worse, it pisses me off and frustrates me that it has obviously worked!

So if anyone is reading this, do you deal with this, too? Do you have people who keep expecting and requesting things all the freaking time? Are you ready to scream? What do you do to not scream? I tried being polite and just say, “I’m sorry but I can’t.” That wasn’t good enough and they kept on. So I said, “I have to go.” Then they sent a text message. What in the world do you do? I can’t say all the ugly, rude things I want to say. So tell me what to do! I need advice.

A Year of Changes

A year ago my life changed drastically. The man I considered the love of my life decided he didn’t love me anymore. I wondered how in the world I would survive in every way imaginable. I survived. I also surprised myself by changing for the better. I didn’t believe it really possible.

I thought without him I was going to be homeless, friendless, loveless and just “less than” in general. I’m now more financially stable than I ever was with him. That really shed some light on things. I lost some friends in the loss of him but I figured out they weren’t really friends if they chose him over me. I haven’t been ready to search for another “love” but I have love in my life. And it is great and fulfilling love. I have people who support me all the time and not when it is going to be beneficial to them. I’m not “less than” because I am single. I am a freaking powerhouse! I work. I am finishing my degree. I write like a madwoman. I take care of business!

This year is about me. I can be as selfish as I wanna be. It’s ok because in the past I have given until it hurt. This year all the changes have come together and the realization is that it IS ok for things to be about me! I need to take care of me more.

Change can be and is a good thing.

Related articles

• What I’ve Learned This Year I (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
• Hott Mess table for 1, always for 1….. (talking2mymoon.wordpress.com)
• Do People Really Fall Inlove More Than Once? (tonitorres73.wordpress.com)
• The Beauty of Love (loveimpact2012.wordpress.com)
• Synopsis: Love Under The Half Moon (2-6) (socyberty.com)

Past?

The past has been in the present lately. Many people have been on my mind. There is no way some of them can be present yet they are. They’re right here with me. Like it or not. They are in my thoughts. They are in my dreams. Some are even in my wishes.

I don’t know why I can’t not think about them. I try. Believe me. It’s a bunch of mixed emotions when I think about them. I  love them but don’t want to think about them. I know that is weird. But thinking about them hurts my heart.

Some of these people who are gone from my life are gone through no fault. Others are gone because of fault. I look back and sigh. I give them all, living and dead, much love. And then I push them out of my mind. (Until they creep back in.)