Learning About Yourself

When I look at my life, I usually get a little frustrated. Sometimes it seems disjointed and like I’m not who or what I am supposed to be. When I was younger I had this idea of who and what I should be. Who and what I am now is not that person at all.

I was recently speaking to some interesting people and as the conversation flowed I realized that my life isn’t necessarily disjointed. It is diverse! I have held some interesting jobs. I have worked with some interesting characters. Even though I don’t always find myself to be the most adventurous, I have done some things that would scare a lot. Some people move easily and some don’t. I have lived in four different states. That may not seem like many but for someone who doesn’t like change of environment so much, these were big steps for me.

I have learned more and more about my artistic side later in life. (Man, that sentence is so depressing!) I have allowed my writing to flow and just let people read. I used to be so fearful of how people would react to what I wrote that I just didn’t do it. Now, who cares?! I have to get these words out. They are part of me and they’re like the carbon dioxide of my brain. I have inhaled all of these thoughts and they have processed and then I exhaled these written words.

I started learning to paint. Who would have thought I would paint?! I never did it at any point in my life and then suddenly I decided I liked art so much that I could try it and probably do well. I was fearless when I started. I wasn’t fantastic but I am not terrible. I love mixing colors and putting things together.

I think some of these things came from where I live. Asheville, NC is a little bit of everything. I think it brought out the little bit of everything within me as well. I have learned about myself and suppose I probably will continue to do so the longer I live.

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Whose Business Is It?

Cover via Amazon

I was listening to Byron Katie’s audiobook  Loving What Is  and really got into it. One thing she said that got me is when we are thinking of shoulds and shouldn’ts, we are often worrying about things that are often not our business. There are things that are your business, my business and God’s business. I should worry about my business. I can’t stop every thought, but I can decide whose business it is and try to let it just be their business.

It’s not that I even care too much about other people’s business. A lot of times I care about how other people feel about me. Know what? That’s not my business! I can’t change them or their view. I can only live my life to make myself the best person I feel I need to be and do what makes me feel better. I know who I have to answer to at the end of the day and at the end of my life. Most of the people who I have been worried about in the past are not in those two categories so ultimately I don’t need to worry so much about what they think!

It’s a pretty liberating thought when you really consider it. While very liberating, it is also very difficult. We’re not wired that way. Well, not most of us anyway. I wasn’t. I was raised by a baby-boomer who wanted me to behave 85% of the time. She enjoyed my impropriety 10% of the time and then the other 5% of the time she was confused by it.

I am trying to do my hardest to live my life with it my business. I do wish people approved of my business, but I can’t live for others. I tried. I really did. It caused me to marry the wrong man and then to live in pain and tears for years due to that wrong and fateful decision. Why? Because I was living someone else’s business.

So whose business is it? It’s Amy’s business! And I’m living it intentionally now.

(If you have lived for others, I urge you to check out Byron Katie. It’s very good. Read  her book or listen to her audiobook Loving What Is.)

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Shut Up!

THINK (Photo credit: Erik Eckel)

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Meet & encourage someone who linked up before you.

OK, are you ready? Give us your best five minutes on: LOUD

**********************************************

5 minutes? Really? On loud? OK. Loud. My head is so loud. I don’t have to have external noise. There’s internal noise. Something is always going on inside. It’s like I can’t turn it off.

This morning I was driving home from work just wanting to shut it off and shut down after a hectic night. I needed peace and quiet. I finally had to say to myself, “Shut up!” I literally said it out loud. For a moment, the chatter in my head paused and then after the shock of me talking to myself it resumed at a more frantic pace.

It was talking about the events of the night, things I needed to get done, wondering why my head was hurting (yeah, I wonder…you have this cacophony of noise yammering and see what happens. did i use the word cacophony right?), thinking about my homework that I need to complete to be done with the class I am in, thinking about the cat pooping on the floor and wondering why she has decided to do that, thinking of the gazillion coupons that I have that I need to clip. Too much to think about and it’s causing noise in my head and it’s LOUD!

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