My schedule has been out of sorts lately. Isn’t it always? I can never plan anything it seems. I am working like a mad woman but never really making any money. Really sucks. For instance, I had plans on what should have been my day off, Monday. Unexpectedly, when the schedule came out, my schedule had me working 3 hours on my first day off and 4 hours on my second day off. What’s that mean? No days off. Kinda sucks to be me, huh? Yeah, it does. And then I was told to expect to have to work my next Monday off as well and that I would be working extra on Saturday. I was like, “Ummm…when will I ever have a real day off? I kinda would like to try to have a life at some point. It seems to be passing me by and I don’t like that?” I got this look like, “You want a life? Why?” SMH
Why do I want a life? Well, unlike most people, I am totally alone. I mean TOTALLY alone. I don’t have any immediate family. If someone asked me right this minute who my next of kin was, I can honestly say that I don’t know. It’s just me. I haven’t had next of kin in 13 years. I don’t like that. It’s lonely. It’s sad. It’s frightening. It’s…I don’t know. It’s every scary word imaginable.
I seem to have a lot of family. I feel frustrated there, too. I love them. It’s hard. I wish so much that they would call me or send me emails or something. I know my schedule is nuts. I feel like I reach out all the time and nobody has time for me. It’s hard. And I don’t want to be felt sorry for. I just want to be loved and not forgotten. They are the last link to my parents. And it isn’t just that. I love them. And I am sure they love me, too. I just sometimes feel forgotten. And I have pretty much felt that way most of my life. I know they don’t get that and I can’t explain it. They probably still wouldn’t get it. But it’s hard. I want to feel connected and I don’t. I do have a cousin that I have reconnected with who is getting married who is letting me throw ideas about her wedding and I am loving that. She’s kind to let me. It really touches my heart.
Then my friends. I know they are busy. Yeah, there is their life. I am not asking for them to devote every minute to me. But lately I can’t even have a conversation with some that I was very close to. I’m like what is wrong? I have even asked. I get these answers that seem flip for some. I’m like, “Is it me? If it is, tell me! I need to know what the hell I am doing wrong!”
Do I need to make changes? If so, I am willing to make certain ones. I won’t change my personality for people. But I am willing to change certain behaviors. I miss my friends and family. I feel so alone the majority of the time. What to do? I am doing my best to make positive changes in my life. But I need to know what else to do. And I honestly don’t know. I wish the people I cared about would just be honest. I know some of the answers and I have tried to make changes without them telling me, but it is like that isn’t good enough. I’m to the point of just giving up. Seriously saying screw it!