Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Valentines Day Approaches

As Valentines Day approaches, I cringe. I hate that day. Not only do I hate it because I am facing it single again. I hate it because even when I wasn’t single, it wasn’t always pleasant. My ex-husband ruined the holiday for me. Some of my family and friends thought he was so perfect and wonderful because I never told them all the terrible things he did. At the time I was trying to be respectful and keep my dirty laundry my own. I no longer care. It’s old news, but it really screwed the holiday up for me. I have always said that words are extremely painful. Actions and words combined…whew! They pack a punch!

I was married and oblivious that he was seriously contemplating divorce or that he was so bitter towards me. I suppose I was living in my own fog. I had just come through an extreme depression after losing my entire immediate family and was grateful to have survived that. Valentines Day rolled around and he was usually thoughtful. I waited all day. Nothing. I made a nice dinner. I gave him a card and a present and he said thank you and didn’t do anything for me. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I confronted him. He was watching tv and I went in and said, “What is with you? It is Valentines Day and you didn’t even acknowledge me!” He mumbled that he forgot. At first I walked out of the room like a puppy that had been kicked. It hurt. When you’re married and you love that person, aren’t you supposed to show them you care a little? Then it dawned on me, he didn’t forget. He just didn’t care!

Mad as hell, I stormed back in and turned the tv off and said, “You didn’t forget! Hell, you’ve been at work all day surrounded by women getting flowers and shit all day. How could you forget?!” I hoped and waited for some plausible explanation. His face turned red and he jumped up out of the recliner and yelled at me, “No! I didn’t forget! I just didn’t do anything because you didn’t deserve anything!” I have never been so hurt in my life by another human. I have had people say hateful and ugly things to me and have been able to brush them off. But for the man who swore to love me until the day he died to say that I didn’t deserve anything on Valentines Day, I was struck to core of my being. I felt the blood leave my face. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t even cry at first because I was shocked and dumbfounded at the hateful words he had just hurled at me. I looked at this stranger standing in front of me and shook my head as if I didn’t know who or what he was. I backed up until my heels touched the bottom stair of the staircase. I kept shaking my head. When I caught my breath, I said quietly, “If I had a Mama to run home to tonight, I would leave you. That was one of the most hateful and mean things I have ever heard anyone ever say. I hate you.”

I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as I could to the bedroom. I could hear him running behind me yelling he was sorry. I knew he wasn’t sorry. He was only sorry that I had heard the truth. I beat him to the bedroom door and got it locked. I shoved the dresser against it. I ran into the adjoining bathroom and turned on the water in the shower and the sink to drown out his voice and leaned against the wall as I began to sob. I slid to the floor and sat there crying. After he finally quit yelling and trying to get me to talk, I turned the water off. I just didn’t want to hear his voice.

After many hours of crying, I got up and washed my face. I quickly grabbed my shoes and purse and ran downstairs. He had fallen asleep in the recliner. I jumped in my car and drove for an hour or two. When I got home he was frantic with worry. I told him since he didn’t seem to care enough to get me anything for Valentines Day then he shouldn’t care when or where I decided to go driving. I went upstairs and slept in the guest room that night. I let him have our bedroom because I wanted him to have full access to his clothing to get ready for work the next morning and to leave the house for the day and to leave me alone.

This is why I can’t stand Valentines Day. True story. So for any family who believes my ex-husband is still a saint, he’s not. This is just one example of his hatefulness towards me. There were others…oh so many others. I don’t hate him. I just don’t see the point in denying the truth or hiding it to protect him. It is old news and people wonder why I feel the way I do about certain things. Here’s why.

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Flirting?

 I have gone through many phases of life. When I was younger, I was quite outgoing. I didn’t care what people thought; I just said or did it. Then I became quite self-conscious. I became more introverted. I could hide it, though. I could flirt from time to time. But I never knew when a male was interested in me. (By the way, I still don’t.) Then I hit a spell where I got a little more comfortable with myself again and honestly had a plethora of men to practice on. Some was innocent flirting and some was “let’s see what happens” flirting. It was fun and interesting. It was kind of like an experiment. If science had been like that in school, I would have LOVED it! I should have taken more psychology classes because human interaction is fascinating. Then I made some bad choices. Boy were they bad! I went back to being the natural introvert I am.So I felt the flirt come out recently. It was SHOCKING! I didn’t mean to do it. It was natural and somewhat disconcerting. I saw this man and he was funny and smart and he could talk geek to me! DING DING DING! We have a winner! Amy is now interested. And it is so funny how it happens. He says something. I say something and I laugh and before I knew it I flipped my hair. I thought to myself even as I did it, What the hell did I just do? Flipped my hair? Have I flipped my wig for real? WTH?! I kept going, though, I chatted, smiled and laughed. It was a brief moment but I do have a chance to talk to him later. Do I feel self-conscious? Do I roll with it? Did he notice? Did he care? Was his wedding band in the shop or is he REALLY single? And why do women analyze this stuff? It’s funny. I’m thinking of writing a sitcom. These are the things women do. (Men, you are getting insight into a woman’s psyche for FREE! Pay attention! And repay the kindness! Give information back!) So now you know. I’m partially crazy. I did something that shocked me. It didn’t kill me. So there ya go!

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Changing My Ways

Most of us have felt the stinging pain of rejection at some point in life. If you haven’t you are very lucky. I have been very unlucky. I have felt it a lot in life. It is a painful thing. Sometimes the rejection comes from people who you really cared about and some from people you really don’t really give 2 craps about. For the ones you don’t really care about, you are usually having to reach out for a work situation or social situation. The rejection just causes awkwardness and makes life a little more difficult because you have to work hard to accomplish a goal.

Rejection from people whom you care about? Oh boy! That is a different story altogether! It can be a love interest, friends, or even family. I have experienced it all. It really hits your self-esteem. It makes you wonder if you are such a terrible person that these people refuse to care about you. I have gone to therapy about this because I used to think that something was really wrong with me. Surely to God there really must be something wrong if nobody gave a damn about me. Right? The therapist asked me if nobody really gave a damn about me. Honestly? Nobody? Was there nobody on this earth that loved me? I started ticking off the names of a few people who really loved me unconditionally. The therapist then said, “The problem isn’t that nobody loves you. The problem is that your picker is wrong.” I stared at him as if he had suddenly gone mad. What the hell is a picker and how do you get it fixed?! He said, “You are attached to some people biologically. That doesn’t mean they are going to love you. That doesn’t mean you are going to love them. You may have had a past with them but if it is over and done, it just is. Treasure it for what it was. But as for the new people, you are picking some people who are not good for you! They are not emotionally available to you. At first it doesn’t bother you but then it does. Quit picking them!”

I mulled over what the therapist had said. When we talked again I brought up the picker thing. He explained that my picker did pick some good people. I did have some good people in my life. The point he wanted me to see is to just look at these people closer. He knew I guarded my heart already and that could be a double-edged sword. But I needed to quit letting these people’s actions hurt me so much. If they were hurting me in any capacity for a long period, then I needed to get rid of them. Lack of care is a form of hurt, too. I couldn’t let people put me on the back burner until they decided they wanted me to be a part of their life again. That wasn’t fair to me. It honestly made me feel like a marionette. Someone jerking strings and controlling my movements.

It took a long time to realize that I could control who was a part of my life. In a way it wasn’t the way I was raised and in another way, it was exactly the way I was raised. I know that doesn’t make sense. I was always taught to forgive and forget and all that good Southern stuff. And it is good…to an extent. Too much of it, though, can eat away at you. It erodes your insides. It makes you feel as if the relationship is more important than you. That is not good. When you lose your autonomy because of people-pleasing, you feel defeated. That is how I felt for a very long time. Let me emphasize VERY long time. It changed who I was. I am now changing my ways. I am changing back to my real self. I can only please some of the people some of the time, and that includes me.

I am working on fixing my people picker. I wish there was a service department for that. It would make life so much easier. I am learning that while some people may reject me, that it is their loss. It isn’t me that they are necessarily rejecting. It is their inability to deal with someone smart and outspoken. I have found that some people cannot have a rational conversation with anyone who might challenge their thinking. I don’t argue with everyone, but I do think for myself. Some people don’t like that. Some people do. I’ll eventually find more people who do like that.

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Sometimes the Real Me Comes Out

Teddy bear – Rory (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I try to use my filter most of the time. I really do. But sometimes the filter breaks. It’s usually when I am tired. The filter just breaks off and the real me just lets loose. It can be good or bad. In the last couple of days it was not so good for a couple of other people. They thought they were going to spout off to me and boy they didn’t know what they were about to receive in return! When I finished with them, I left them with a jaw hanging on the floor.

Now before you start fussing at me saying I should be nice (or maybe I am channeling my mother’s lectures from when I was a kid that I always had to be nice even when others were being horrible to me), let me just say these people knew the amount of stress I was under and they are the ones that decided to poke the bear. They took the risk knowingly! Then the bear growled and even nipped a time or two and you’d think I was the most evil person on earth. I did tell one of them that they better be glad I had some restraint because there were many more things I could have said but I chose to be semi-civil.

The moral of the story is to not poke bears if you aren’t ready for a bite. People and animals can only take so much. If you catch them at the wrong moment, you might get more than you bargained for. And if you give negativity on purpose, then be prepared for it to be given back in equal or greater measure.