Grief. Does it ever end? I think it must depend on the level of the relationship. The grief I am writing about is the loss of my mother. She died 17 years ago today. A part of me died 17 years ago as well. I have never fully recovered. It was a shocking, unexpected death. It was the most traumatic day of my life.
People tell me to do something to honor her memory. I do so every day. I keep breathing. That is honoring her memory. I wanted to die that day. I have wanted to die several days since then. So keeping on breathing is honoring her.
People wonder why it still is so painful and devastating so many years later. We had a bond that was more than I can describe. We were mother and daughter. We were friends. We were enemies. We were co-dependent. We were a piece of each other. She knew my secrets and I knew most of hers. I have since found out the rest of them since her passing and they made the pieces of the puzzle fit.
I have missed this woman every day since she passed. I have missed myself every day since she passed. I lost my mother. I lost myself. I am a fraction of who I was. I once laughed with abandonment. Now I am filled with fear of abandonment. The loss of my mother was the beginning of a snowball effect that has never seemed to stop. It was the beginning of so many losses.
June 10, 1996. I hate that date. It feels as if it sealed my fate. I know that isn’t true. I have fought that ever since then and it feels like a fight that has been mostly alone. Some days I have been so mentally and physically tired from it and other days the adrenaline from the anger has pushed me to keep fighting like hell.
I still miss my mother. I will until the end of time. Mama, I love you.
- Grief (writingdare.wordpress.com)
- Good Grief (perfectomy.wordpress.com)
- Help Your Body Release Sadness (skinandbodyspa.wordpress.com)
- Grief and grieving … the death of my parents (jillsmentalhealthresources.wordpress.com)
- Managing My Grief (thedistinctdot.com)
- The Grief Tunnel (wileyschmidt.com)
- Just Thinking (cathysvoicenow.wordpress.com)