Valentines Day Approaches

As Valentines Day approaches, I cringe. I hate that day. Not only do I hate it because I am facing it single again. I hate it because even when I wasn’t single, it wasn’t always pleasant. My ex-husband ruined the holiday for me. Some of my family and friends thought he was so perfect and wonderful because I never told them all the terrible things he did. At the time I was trying to be respectful and keep my dirty laundry my own. I no longer care. It’s old news, but it really screwed the holiday up for me. I have always said that words are extremely painful. Actions and words combined…whew! They pack a punch!

I was married and oblivious that he was seriously contemplating divorce or that he was so bitter towards me. I suppose I was living in my own fog. I had just come through an extreme depression after losing my entire immediate family and was grateful to have survived that. Valentines Day rolled around and he was usually thoughtful. I waited all day. Nothing. I made a nice dinner. I gave him a card and a present and he said thank you and didn’t do anything for me. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I confronted him. He was watching tv and I went in and said, “What is with you? It is Valentines Day and you didn’t even acknowledge me!” He mumbled that he forgot. At first I walked out of the room like a puppy that had been kicked. It hurt. When you’re married and you love that person, aren’t you supposed to show them you care a little? Then it dawned on me, he didn’t forget. He just didn’t care!

Mad as hell, I stormed back in and turned the tv off and said, “You didn’t forget! Hell, you’ve been at work all day surrounded by women getting flowers and shit all day. How could you forget?!” I hoped and waited for some plausible explanation. His face turned red and he jumped up out of the recliner and yelled at me, “No! I didn’t forget! I just didn’t do anything because you didn’t deserve anything!” I have never been so hurt in my life by another human. I have had people say hateful and ugly things to me and have been able to brush them off. But for the man who swore to love me until the day he died to say that I didn’t deserve anything on Valentines Day, I was struck to core of my being. I felt the blood leave my face. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. I couldn’t even cry at first because I was shocked and dumbfounded at the hateful words he had just hurled at me. I looked at this stranger standing in front of me and shook my head as if I didn’t know who or what he was. I backed up until my heels touched the bottom stair of the staircase. I kept shaking my head. When I caught my breath, I said quietly, “If I had a Mama to run home to tonight, I would leave you. That was one of the most hateful and mean things I have ever heard anyone ever say. I hate you.”

I turned and ran up the stairs as fast as I could to the bedroom. I could hear him running behind me yelling he was sorry. I knew he wasn’t sorry. He was only sorry that I had heard the truth. I beat him to the bedroom door and got it locked. I shoved the dresser against it. I ran into the adjoining bathroom and turned on the water in the shower and the sink to drown out his voice and leaned against the wall as I began to sob. I slid to the floor and sat there crying. After he finally quit yelling and trying to get me to talk, I turned the water off. I just didn’t want to hear his voice.

After many hours of crying, I got up and washed my face. I quickly grabbed my shoes and purse and ran downstairs. He had fallen asleep in the recliner. I jumped in my car and drove for an hour or two. When I got home he was frantic with worry. I told him since he didn’t seem to care enough to get me anything for Valentines Day then he shouldn’t care when or where I decided to go driving. I went upstairs and slept in the guest room that night. I let him have our bedroom because I wanted him to have full access to his clothing to get ready for work the next morning and to leave the house for the day and to leave me alone.

This is why I can’t stand Valentines Day. True story. So for any family who believes my ex-husband is still a saint, he’s not. This is just one example of his hatefulness towards me. There were others…oh so many others. I don’t hate him. I just don’t see the point in denying the truth or hiding it to protect him. It is old news and people wonder why I feel the way I do about certain things. Here’s why.

Related articles

• Local Lawyer Offers Free Valentines Day Divorce (detroit.cbslocal.com)
• Top 10 – Ways To Get Away For/From Valentines Day (essentialtravel.co.uk)
• How To Spend Your Anti-Valentine’s Day (amp.cbslocal.com)
• Lawyer Knows The Best Time To Give Someone A Free Divorce Is On Valentine’s Day (consumerist.com)

Truly Thankful

I should be asleep. I am tired. It’s Thanksgiving and I have to work tonight. Last night was busy. I’m afraid tonight will be, too.

Holidays bring up emotions, memories, and cause sleep to be hard. I just took more sleep meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I have been mostly in a great mood. This morning, though, memories flooded me of years gone by. This brought up so many mixed emotions. Happy times. Sad times. People and places I just can’t forget. Some I wish I could and some I hope I never do.

I did really well for a while. I fought emotions off that were negative and went with the positive ones. I wrote my Happy Thanksgiving post on Facebook. I received some wonderful replies. Then I got the most wonderful post from my Mama’s best friend that touched my heart so much that I just lost it. I cried like a baby. I think the dam broke from all the emotions of earlier in the day and I cried the deep heaving sobs that wrack your whole body and the hot tears pour as if there is no stopping them. There is a primal sound that is indescribable and comes from your core. Thankfully, this dam was quickly repaired and control was again underway, but it was such a powerful few minutes. It made my sweet Soleil run to see if I was ok. She kept making these noises with me as I poured my heart out and just let me stroke her. My Mama’s best friend told me that she was grateful that she could still see my face and still knew me after all these years and that she was glad for the reason she knew me (my Mama) and that she loved me. It was such a wonderful thing to see. It was so wonderful to know that someone was thankful for me.

I often think of how insignificant I am. Yes, I guess I have esteem issues. There are days when I know I am a rock star at certain things, but then there are times when in the grand scheme of things when I think no one really cares about me. Knowing that someone loves me and is grateful that they met me through my mother is amazing. It just made my heart swell.

I also had my heart lifted when my friends were worried about me not having something good to eat for Thanksgiving. One friend even was going to bring me food at work because she was so worried. I told her not to worry and just enjoy her time with family and friends because there is food at work waiting on me. A friend at work went ahead and made a plate up for me to make sure I didn’t get cheated. That has happened in the past and so she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I am very appreciative.

I really got to celebrate Thanksgiving today. I know I did a post for today already, but the thing is that today I got to really feel it. While there was some moments that I didn’t want to feel, I was rewarded by some loving people who really care about me. And that is what I am so thankful for. These people touch my heart and my life and just make me so grateful to know them. They make life so much easier when life is so hard.

Related articles

• Attitude of Gratitude! Happy Thanksgiving! (writingwildly.wordpress.com)
• The Spirit of Thanksgiving (longversion.wordpress.com)
• 10 Thanksgiving Facts You Probably Didn’t Know (mix1051.cbslocal.com)
• Someecards Urges You To Hope For The Best This Thanksgiving [PHOTOS] (socialitelife.com)

National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich, made with Skippy peanut butter and Welch's grape jelly on white bread. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Yum! National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day! What a great day! Such a classic. This is probably the first sandwich you ever fixed for yourself. It is a great food memory for most.

I love PB&J. So delicious. I think I could probably eat this for at least one meal 5 out of 7 days a week. Easy. I typically use jam instead of jelly. It’s only because it’s strawberry and jelly is smoother and jam has more whole fruit in it that has been jellied. You still get the same result. Yummy goodness! I do like other flavors, too. Grape and apple are good. But strawberry jam is my absolute favorite.

Now lemme warn you, though, that I am picky about my PB&J. I do not like my jelly to permeate my bread and make it sticky and soggy. Ewww! No. I put a thin layer of peanut butter on the two pieces of bread in order to protect my bread. Then I put my jam/jelly and then it is ready to go. I prefer it on white bread, but this can vary. I don’t have to have the crusts cut off unless they’re super thick and way too chewy. I like a cold glass of milk with my sandwich.

These sandwiches take me right back to a happy food memory. It’s a happy childhood time. And usually after having one I need my naptime! Does PB&J conjure up food memories for you?

Related articles

• April 2 – National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day (beatcancer2010.wordpress.com)
• National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day (budgetcouponcooking.wordpress.com)
• National Food Day: Peanut Butter & Jelly (bakerunlive.com)
• National peanut butter and jelly day (eatocracy.cnn.com)

Why I Loved The 80s

The 80s were a great and fun time. We may not have been rich, but man did we have fun! So why did I love the 80s?

1. Madonna
2. Big hair
3. Heavy metal
4. Colored hair with glitter
5. MTV
6. Leg warmers
7. Dirty Dancing
8. Pretty in Pink
9. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
10. Star Wars
11. Wine coolers
12. Indiana Jones
13. The Breakfast Club
14. Ghostbusters
15. Cool Ranch Doritos
16. The Karate Kid
17. Beverly Hills Cop
18. Trivial Pursuit
19. Alabama
20. Rubiks Cube
21. Pop Rocks
22. Top Gun
23. Wham!
24. Cyndi Lauper
25. Patrick Swayze
26. The Outsiders
27. Steel Magnolias
28. Julia Roberts
29. Jelly bracelets & shoes
30. Valley Girls
31. Ghostbusters
32. California Raisins
33. Domino’s Pizza (in 30 minutes or less or it’s free!)
34. Care Bears
35. Boy George and Culture Club
36. Huey Lewis and the News
37. Alex P. Keaton
38. The Facts of Life
39. Milli Vanilli
40. Scented markers
41. Stickers
42. Hubba Bubba
43. Permanents
44. Digital watches
45. Michael Jackson
46. Lionel Richie
47. Menudo
48. Walkman
49. Cassette tapes
50. VCRs

There were so many good things about the 80s. Do you have any favorites from the 80s? I might have forgotten something; I’m getting older and it has been a long time.

Related articles

• Cheesy Song of the Day, January 12: ‘Simple As That’ Huey Lewis and the News (tallulahbankhead.wordpress.com)
• Be Afraid (Be Very Afraid!) of the California Raisins (bellasugar.com)
• Trend Alert: Scrunch ‘Em (fabsugar.com)

Things I DO Like

Ok, so yesterday I posted about things I do not like. I don’t want people to think I am completely negative. I’m not. I do have a quirky and sometimes slightly pessimistic side but I do like a  lot of things. So I will start a list for those as well. And as before, these are random and not ranked. They’re off the cuff and I may update as I go.

Things I do like:

1. God. I love God more than anyone. He has sustained me through life when I thought I was going to die. When nobody else cared about me I had God. And I know some people will say that people cared about me but they didn’t show it so therefore I don’t feel they did. But God did. He talked to me and that is amazing in itself. He took time from taking care of the world to talk to me. Just a woman in Asheville, NC who needed some guidance. That is huge. He really has the whole world in His hands.
2. My cats. Anyone who knows me knows this. They are my loves. They are silly and funny and make my heart smile.
3. My computer. It allows me to keep in touch with the outside world and entertain myself. It is multi-functional.
4. Friends. Real friends. Not fake ones or fair weather friends. Friends who are going to be there for you no matter what.
5. Art. Looking at something beautiful speaks to my soul somehow. I don’t know how to describe what it does for my heart.
6. Painting. I love to paint. It is therapeutic for me. It is a way to recreate something beautiful. I like to do landscapes and things so I try to capture the beauty of something that will change and keep it frozen so people can remember that image.
7. Writing. Writing is cathartic for me. I used to be scared to write. What if someone didn’t like what I wrote? Know what? Who cares? I like what I write so I really don’t care if others do. I mean, I like when they do but I don’t care when they don’t. Does that make any kind of sense at all? Anyway, I like to write.
8. The beach. I love the beach. I love it during the day. I love it at night. I love the sand between my toes. I love walking where the water is swirling around my ankles. I love the sounds.
9. Pizza. Pizza is so versatile. It is a food that can be changed in so many ways and you can come up with so many varieties. I like variety.
10. Driving. I like to sometimes drive with no destination. Just drive along and look at the scenery. It’s relaxing.
11. Movies. I love to just watch movies sometimes. I like all kinds. I’m not just a chick flick kind of girl. I like action and drama and chick flicks too.
12. Reading. I like a good book. I like to read chick lit as well as biographies.
13. Thunderstorms. I love a thunderstorm where the thunder is this low rolling sound and it is soothing.
14. Rain. I love rain. Some people complain about how it messes up their hair and stuff. Hair will dry. So I don’t care. I love rain especially when I am trying to sleep. It’s such a soothing sound and it makes me relax.
15. Weight Watchers Frozen Yogurt Pops. These things are phenomenal. You can eat 2 and they’re only 120 calories! And 2 is a serving size! You can’t get much better than that.
16. Crinkle cut french fries. There’s all kinds of fancy fries out there. I like good old-fashioned crinkle cut. They get crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. That’s how a fry should be.
17. Soft cotton sheets. I love the feel of cotton sheets when they’re really soft. I don’t want silk or satin sheets. They feel kind of weird to me. But cotton for some reason feels so good and makes me want to wrap up and just not move.
18. Socks that conform to my foot. I love those kind of socks. I don’t like baggy socks that twist and turn. That is a yucky feeling and annoys me.
19. A clean house. I do like a clean house but you couldn’t tell it by looking at mine. I am not good at it and don’t like doing it. I need a maid.
20. Flip flops. I think flip-flops are awesome. I like that I can just slip right in them and go.
21. Smiles. I love when people smile. Not at the expense of others but just an innocent, casual smile. It is nice to see.
22. People who are real. They don’t put on airs or try to impress. They are just who they are unapologetically. I love that. They’re the salt of the earth and would do whatever they could to help you. They love you for who you are and don’t try to make you fit their mold.
23. Garlic mashed potatoes. These are so yummy and I could eat them daily.
24. Chicken Marsala. I just thought of this because of the garlic mashed potatoes. I love this with them.
25. Bubble baths. I love to just soak and relax in a hot tub full of bubbles.
26. Hank Williams Jr. His music is fun and loud and he is who he is. And if  you don’t like Hank Williams you can kiss his ________.  :)
27. Concerts. Speaking of Hank, I love concerts! I have seen Hank 3 times so obviously I like his concerts. But I love music so I like going to concerts.
28. Music. I like a lot of different music. It is a way to relate my mood to others. I can’t always figure out how to say how I feel. Yes, I know that sounds odd seeing how I love to write. But sometimes I get blocked and don’t know how to express what it is that I need or want to say.
29. James Taylor. This is definitely not ranked because James Taylor is my favorite musician of all time. He has the most beautiful voice to me. It is such a sweet and pure sound. Lately it has been hard to listen to him because some of the songs remind me of my ex but I will get back to him. I love him too much to be without him.
30. Kosher dill pickles. I don’t know how they differ from regular old dill pickles but it is amazing. Love em and could eat a whole jar.
31. Good memories. I love sometimes sitting and thinking over old good memories. I sometimes get nostalgic and have to push these thoughts away because the memories can be good and bad. While they are good, they make me miss the people who I had them with.
32. Sweet tea. I’m from the South and we drink sweet tea. I don’t like mine overly sweet but I do like some sugar. And you have to put the sugar in while it is hot or else it won’t blend. And I like Luzianne tea bags. Oh how I do like a nice glass of sweet tea!
33. Massages. I don’t just like a massage; I love them. I have a hard time relaxing. Massages are a way to force my body to relax and it allows my mind to just shut down.
34. Gain laundry detergent. I love the smell of Gain. It makes my clothes smell so good.
35. Sleeping. I don’t sleep well and when I can sleep I love it. I like to just crawl in the bed and crash hard.
36. Fires in a fireplace. It’s soothing and comforting as well as providing warmth.
37. Snuggling. I don’t have anyone to snuggle with currently but I do like to. I like to feel close to someone.
38. Being pampered. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been pampered. I would like for that to happen more often. it’s so nice and makes me feel truly cared for.
39. Migun Beds. I wish I had one. These are massage beds that you can lay in and select certain numbers and that number will give you a specific type of massage. It helps align your back as well as provide a massage. It’s so nice.
40. North Alabama BBQ. They know how to do it right and I do miss it! For the pork they use a vinegar based sauce that is heaven. And for chicken they use a white bbq sauce that is made from mayonnaise. Yummy!
41. Ice cream. So many yummy flavors and nice and cold. Such a wonderful treat.
42. Games. I love to play games with friends such as Scattergories. That is so much fun!
43. Colgate foaming toothpaste. It really is great stuff. I like how it actually foams and makes my teeth feel cleaner. You have to watch it, though, because if you use too much you will look like you have rabies and are foaming at the mouth.
44. Losing weight without trying. Don’t you love when that happens? It’s rare but I love when it happens!
45. Compliments out of the blue. I like when someone says something nice to and about me out of the blue. It’s nice to hear something positive for a change.
46. Doing random acts of kindness. One of my favorites is when I am downtown and have extra change on me and I see the meter maid coming and I start feeding the meter for people. I love doing that!