Mixed feelings

I’m close to finishing school. A week and a half to be exact. I’m not feeling happy or excited really. Well I suppose there’s something similar to that. But I feel more melancholy. That feels and sounds weird. I’ve worked hard. You’d think I’d  be giddy. No. I’m sad and a little depressed. After all this hard work there’s nobody to share the achievement with. It feels kind of hollow.

I am also feeling loss. I know that sounds odd as well. But for the last two years school has been my refuge. Life sucked. So I could hide by studying. I could shut down emotionally. I am realizing I won’t have my security blanket of school any longer. That’s scary. I could go to grad school but I’m not ready for that. So weighing my options of emotions or more school, I suppose it’s emotions. And that is a horrible  thought.

I complain about never having free time. But honestly do I want free time? That just gives more time to deal with unwanted emotion or the loss I feel of no school or whatever else.  I might try to escape. Then again it might give me more time to write or paint. Or clean house!

I Don’t Like Fall

I don’t like Fall. You can call it Autumn. Whatever you want to call it…I don’t care. I don’t like it. It’s cold and dreary and a precursor to the season I hate: Winter. Fall is a melancholy time for me. It’s a time of dying. The trees are losing their leaves and looking dead. I know it is all a part of the circle of life, but it looks so sad. It makes me feel sad. I hate the chill in the air. I hate having to blow dry my hair because it is too cold to let it air dry. I hate the fact that I need moisturizer in the Fall and Winter months. I hate that I never feel warm.

I wish I was a bear sometimes. Then I could hibernate. I could pretend Fall and Winter don’t exist. I bet that is why they hibernate. They hate Fall and Winter, too. It’s easier to sleep through it than to deal with it. But then that poses a problem for me. First, I am not a bear. Second, I have bills to pay. Third, I am an insomniac. Sleeping through these months would be difficult.

I guess I will have to try to find beauty in it. It’s hard for me, though. I do love the brief color of the leaves. Before they fall off the trees and they look dead. I do love soup. But lately I haven’t had time to make any. Ahhh….Fall has really made me negative today.