Truly Thankful

I should be asleep. I am tired. It’s Thanksgiving and I have to work tonight. Last night was busy. I’m afraid tonight will be, too.

Holidays bring up emotions, memories, and cause sleep to be hard. I just took more sleep meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I have been mostly in a great mood. This morning, though, memories flooded me of years gone by. This brought up so many mixed emotions. Happy times. Sad times. People and places I just can’t forget. Some I wish I could and some I hope I never do.

I did really well for a while. I fought emotions off that were negative and went with the positive ones. I wrote my Happy Thanksgiving post on Facebook. I received some wonderful replies. Then I got the most wonderful post from my Mama’s best friend that touched my heart so much that I just lost it. I cried like a baby. I think the dam broke from all the emotions of earlier in the day and I cried the deep heaving sobs that wrack your whole body and the hot tears pour as if there is no stopping them. There is a primal sound that is indescribable and comes from your core. Thankfully, this dam was quickly repaired and control was again underway, but it was such a powerful few minutes. It made my sweet Soleil run to see if I was ok. She kept making these noises with me as I poured my heart out and just let me stroke her. My Mama’s best friend told me that she was grateful that she could still see my face and still knew me after all these years and that she was glad for the reason she knew me (my Mama) and that she loved me. It was such a wonderful thing to see. It was so wonderful to know that someone was thankful for me.

I often think of how insignificant I am. Yes, I guess I have esteem issues. There are days when I know I am a rock star at certain things, but then there are times when in the grand scheme of things when I think no one really cares about me. Knowing that someone loves me and is grateful that they met me through my mother is amazing. It just made my heart swell.

I also had my heart lifted when my friends were worried about me not having something good to eat for Thanksgiving. One friend even was going to bring me food at work because she was so worried. I told her not to worry and just enjoy her time with family and friends because there is food at work waiting on me. A friend at work went ahead and made a plate up for me to make sure I didn’t get cheated. That has happened in the past and so she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I am very appreciative.

I really got to celebrate Thanksgiving today. I know I did a post for today already, but the thing is that today I got to really feel it. While there was some moments that I didn’t want to feel, I was rewarded by some loving people who really care about me. And that is what I am so thankful for. These people touch my heart and my life and just make me so grateful to know them. They make life so much easier when life is so hard.

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Letter to Mama

Dear Mama,

Today is that day. I guess you can call it your birthday in a way or your anniversary or something. You went home to God 16 years ago. While it was the most painful day of my life, I am grateful of where you are and who you’re with. I was thinking about it earlier in the week and realized you’ve been gone for a third of my life now. That threw me for a loop. How could I not see my Mama for a third of my life? That just baffles me.

I am not in the place in life I wanted to be. I hope you didn’t see all the chaos and drama that happened since you left. It took its toll for a while. I had to work hard to get life back on track. I think it’s almost there. Maybe. I finally did something you really wanted me to do; I finished college! Mama, I didn’t think I would ever finish but I did. It hurt that you weren’t here to talk to about it. That would have been the icing on the cake.

I miss you so much, Mama! I love you. I’ll see you and Daddy again. I just have some more living to do for now.  But I miss you both so much!

Love always,

Amy-Amy

I Realized I Am A Lot Like Mama

I realized today I am a lot like my Mama. That’s a good thing mostly. She was the best person I ever knew. I only ever heard her say one bad thing about a person and it was the truth. She wasn’t a saint, but she was kind-hearted and loving.

So what provoked this realization? My hair. I know that’s a weird one. It was for me, too. But I was sitting at work Last night and my hair was bothering me. It’s gotten too long and kept going under my shirt collar. I was ready to scream. I finally found a ponytail holder in my bag and pulled it back. Instant relief! That’s when it hit me. Years ago I would hear Mama talk about the same thing. I always encouraged her to grow her hair out. She would say, “I can’t, Amy! It bothers my neck.” I thought that was weird, but whatever! It was her hair. Now 15 years later I totally get it. It bothers mine, too. There’s this certain spot where when it hits that you are just ready to take the scissors and hack it off.

I smiled, though, at the thought of being like Mama. She was a good woman. I miss her daily. She passed away in 1996 and there hasn’t been a day since her death that I haven’t missed her. A thought of her can make my eyes fill with tears instantly. The picture for this post is really me with Mama when I was 3 and she was 27. So many moons ago. It’s my favorite picture of us. It summed up our relationship. I was always up to something and she just tried to ignore it. See? Mama was a good woman.