I have found we all need this at some point. Give it when you can and hope you will receive it when you need it.
For the past two years I was under the illusion that my ex just hated me altogether when he left. I have now found out differently. It doesn’t change the progress I have made in my life. It doesn’t change what we went through. It doesn’t even change the fact that I had already forgiven him for the chaos we went through.
It shattered my illusion of many things, though. I literally thought the man hated me. From what I found out, quite unintentionally, he didn’t hate me. I will admit I was quite angry and felt some form of hatred for him for a while. I hated how he treated me. i hated the way it ended. I hated other people’s involvement in our relationship. I felt he should have stood up for me more and focused more on us than allowing others to be involved. But then again, that was part of the downfall.
So when I heard this information after all of this time, I was angry and hurt. Not that I am wanting him back or anything; but that this information may have eased the pain and suffering I went through during that time. Then again, it could have given me false hope. I don’t know. I just know that it bothered me. I felt somewhat betrayed at first because of the length of time the information was withheld from me.
So the one good thing that came from all of this is that I have a sense of closure. I don’t like feeling hated and I did for over two years. I guess this is a door I can now truly shut.
Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it. – Ann Landers
I have a friend who likes to live drama. You’d think it is a female. You’d be thinking wrong. He has had volatile relationships off and on for years. I have known him for 6 years. I was an almost dramatic relationship. We dated briefly. Thank God we both realized that wasn’t a good thing.
Anyway, I do care about this person but he has walked away from this most recent dramatic relationship and it seemed for the best. Now, though, he is regretting it. I don’t necessarily think it is about losing her. I think it is about being alone. He doesn’t like being alone. It drives him nuts. He can’t stand being alone with his thoughts and feelings so it is much easier to get all codependent with someone else and get in these unhealthy, dramatic relationships.
I don’t know if he will read this. Whatever. But I hope if anyone else does that they realize that holding on to something isn’t strength all the time. Sometimes the biggest strength is walking away. I have had to do that. I made the decision to tell a man I loved that I couldn’t allow the way he wanted to live to be a part of my life. I knew it would end our relationship, but I had to save myself. Sometimes you have to be alone in order to save yourself.
I got an email from a jewelry store with the subject: Find that special ring for the one you’re going to marry. Ummmm…you’ve got more faith than I do. And frankly, you have it COMPLETELY backwards! I ain’t buying the platinum! He is! And has he been talking to you about this and not me? Is this a whole secret admirer thing where I am supposed to guess? Do you have a psychic? WTF!?!?!
I ask these questions because the dates have not been real prosperous. I’m a first date kinda chick. I’ll kick the tires and if they don’t feel right, it’s on to the next. I don’t trust faulty tires, or bad lines. Both send me running like someone was trying to set my hair on fire. I like my hair.
Now if you want to set my heart ablaze, that is a whole other story. And a man who is old enough to date me should kind of have an idea. I do plan to write a letter to this future Mr. Wonderful (fictitious or not) soon so he will get it. Lead a horse to water and all that crap. If he won’t drink, drown his ass!
So, to the jewelry store, send the damned email to the right man, not me! I’m too busy working my ass off to stay afloat in this crazy life. I don’t have time to pine after that stupid 2 carat diamond that you think I should want. BTW, I don’t want that. I like diamonds. I actually LOVE diamonds! But I don’t want that ring. But thanks for caring!
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