Flirting?

 I have gone through many phases of life. When I was younger, I was quite outgoing. I didn’t care what people thought; I just said or did it. Then I became quite self-conscious. I became more introverted. I could hide it, though. I could flirt from time to time. But I never knew when a male was interested in me. (By the way, I still don’t.) Then I hit a spell where I got a little more comfortable with myself again and honestly had a plethora of men to practice on. Some was innocent flirting and some was “let’s see what happens” flirting. It was fun and interesting. It was kind of like an experiment. If science had been like that in school, I would have LOVED it! I should have taken more psychology classes because human interaction is fascinating. Then I made some bad choices. Boy were they bad! I went back to being the natural introvert I am.So I felt the flirt come out recently. It was SHOCKING! I didn’t mean to do it. It was natural and somewhat disconcerting. I saw this man and he was funny and smart and he could talk geek to me! DING DING DING! We have a winner! Amy is now interested. And it is so funny how it happens. He says something. I say something and I laugh and before I knew it I flipped my hair. I thought to myself even as I did it, What the hell did I just do? Flipped my hair? Have I flipped my wig for real? WTH?! I kept going, though, I chatted, smiled and laughed. It was a brief moment but I do have a chance to talk to him later. Do I feel self-conscious? Do I roll with it? Did he notice? Did he care? Was his wedding band in the shop or is he REALLY single? And why do women analyze this stuff? It’s funny. I’m thinking of writing a sitcom. These are the things women do. (Men, you are getting insight into a woman’s psyche for FREE! Pay attention! And repay the kindness! Give information back!) So now you know. I’m partially crazy. I did something that shocked me. It didn’t kill me. So there ya go!

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The Sweetest Dream

 

Holding Hands (Photo credit: JcOlivera.com)

 

I had a dream. I normally don’t remember them. This one woke me with a smile. It was a dream of hope and love. I don’t know who the mystery man was in it. I just know that we were laying on a blanket, holding hands and we were staring up at the stars. I remember that a moment in the dream that we looked over at each other and just smiled that knowing smile. You know the one. It is the one where you don’t say anything but you just feel connected. The dream made me remember love and how special and sweet it was. It was a poignant reminder of something I thought I had forgotten.

 

Is It Really Better To Have Loved And Lost? republished with some edits

I was thinking about what a friend said regarding the Shakespeare sentiment about it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Really? I’m not so sure. I’m not saying they’re wrong and I’m not saying they’re right. I just don’t know. I sometimes subscribe to the philosophy of ignorance is bliss. No, not stupidity is bliss, although it is for some. Ignorance can be bliss, though. Sometimes it is better to not know something ever existed than to know about it and have it hurt you. Get what I am saying? Of course there is no way to undo the whole love lost notion, but it did make me question my philosophical views on that matter.

I look back on my life and wonder if I would have rather not have known certain people than to have loved them and lost them. A few I can definitively say yes! I would rather they never have entered my life than to have loved and been hurt by them. That was simple enough. But for other people it isn’t so simple. I don’t know. I can’t say whether I would rather exist without having the experience of them. Then along with that thought is the whole changing the course of life aspect. These people played an important role in my life. If they didn’t then I wouldn’t have loved them.

Maybe it is all a matter of pre-destination. I had to know them and love them for my life to be in the spot it is today. Maybe God planned it. I will admit, if that is the case, that I don’t necessarily like the plan. But then again, He never told me I would have to.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I am not sure. I have loved and lost. It wasn’t a fun ride and it kinda made me sick. Think of those amusement park rides that you thought you wanted to ride but threw up on soon after they started. That has been my love life. Do I want to go through that again? I am probably stupid to say it, but most likely. Because even though you threw up, it was fun before that point. And sometimes you wouldn’t mind getting on the ride again. Maybe this time you’ll remember not to eat all the fried food before getting on the ride that is going to spin you into oblivion.

So Nothing Makes Sense

Sense (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I ran across a saying from e.e. cummings that states that “Unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense.” Maybe this is right. Maybe it is wrong. Life often doesn’t make sense to me. But this saying bothered me. I think we often put too much value on being in love. Maybe he meant just caring/loving someone. Most people would look at that saying, though, and assume that it was about being in love.

So does that mean if you’re not in love that you just don’t matter? I think the world acts that way a lot. You’re pretty much irrelevant if you aren’t married or in a relationship. Those relationships define you in more ways than you know. It’s as if you are a better person or worth more if you are married or in a relationship. You have more credibility. If you’re single, people tend to just overlook you and act like “What do they know? They’re alone!” (Like it is the plague.)

Some days single life is good. I don’t have to consider another human in life decisions. Life is about me. Other times, I wish there was someone to help with life decisions. But the fact of the matter is that life doesn’t make sense most of the time to me in general. When I was single, life didn’t make sense. When I was married, life didn’t make sense. When I was divorced, life didn’t make sense. So nothing makes sense.

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Love

Marriage (Photo credit: Lel4nd)

Love is something I wonder about. Today is a very appropriate day for it. Today would be my wedding anniversary. Maybe it still is? I’m not sure since I’m divorced. Seventeen years ago I married a man I should never have married. I cared about him, but looking back I see it wasn’t the love that should make you say those binding words. I aimed to please, though, and I was doing what was expected. Had he not made the decision to end the marriage, I would probably still be married to him. That’s just who I am. I take a vow like that seriously. I said “until death do us part” and I really meant it.

I have been in a very serious relationship since my marriage. I was actually going to get married to someone else. That ended painfully. All this led me to wonder if I will love again. Can I? Can someone love me? I am not sure. I think I am at a point now, though, where I just don’t want to deal with it. I shake my head at that thought because I never thought I would think something like that. But a part of me just wants to focus on other aspects of my life and not put time and effort into looking and/or pining over someone. All of that takes a lot of time and energy. I just don’t know that I have enough for that pursuit.

I suppose if love is going to enter my life then God needs to bring him to me. I’m not looking.