Oklahoma Tragedy

tornado

Dear Citizens of Oklahoma, I am so sorry for what you endured yesterday. My heart aches for you. I have never gone through an F4 tornado  but I have gone through an F2 and almost F3. It’s scary in a way that is indescribable. I know you have lost people in such a tragic way. I’m so sorry. My heart hurts. I have lost my whole family in other ways and I know you are beyond devastated. I can only pray for your healing. I send my love. I will look for other ways to help as well. You lost your homes, lives and livelihood. Those can be replaced. The only thing I can think to say really is just focus on this moment. Thinking about tomorrow after such devastation will overload your hearts and minds. You’ve gone through too much. There are so many people in the world that love you and share your heartache. I know it doesn’t take it away. We wish it would. No one deserves such pain and devastation. We love you. We care.

Love,

Amy

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Learning About Yourself

When I look at my life, I usually get a little frustrated. Sometimes it seems disjointed and like I’m not who or what I am supposed to be. When I was younger I had this idea of who and what I should be. Who and what I am now is not that person at all.

I was recently speaking to some interesting people and as the conversation flowed I realized that my life isn’t necessarily disjointed. It is diverse! I have held some interesting jobs. I have worked with some interesting characters. Even though I don’t always find myself to be the most adventurous, I have done some things that would scare a lot. Some people move easily and some don’t. I have lived in four different states. That may not seem like many but for someone who doesn’t like change of environment so much, these were big steps for me.

I have learned more and more about my artistic side later in life. (Man, that sentence is so depressing!) I have allowed my writing to flow and just let people read. I used to be so fearful of how people would react to what I wrote that I just didn’t do it. Now, who cares?! I have to get these words out. They are part of me and they’re like the carbon dioxide of my brain. I have inhaled all of these thoughts and they have processed and then I exhaled these written words.

I started learning to paint. Who would have thought I would paint?! I never did it at any point in my life and then suddenly I decided I liked art so much that I could try it and probably do well. I was fearless when I started. I wasn’t fantastic but I am not terrible. I love mixing colors and putting things together.

I think some of these things came from where I live. Asheville, NC is a little bit of everything. I think it brought out the little bit of everything within me as well. I have learned about myself and suppose I probably will continue to do so the longer I live.

Related articles

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Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Judge Much?

Most of my life I have felt judged. I didn’t look good enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I didn’t have enough money. I wasn’t thin enough. I didn’t do everything right. I didn’t say everything right. I wasn’t talented enough. Nothing was ENOUGH! And there were lots of people around to let me know that I was absolutely right! I was never going to be enough. No matter how much I tried, they didn’t think my efforts were going to be enough.

Finally in adulthood I was like, “What am I doing? Why am I trying so hard?! Why does it matter?” Know what? Personally, it doesn’t! I got tired of being a people-pleaser. It wasn’t pleasing me. I wasn’t be myself really. I wasn’t happy when others were still not satisfied. I felt frustrated. And I was still constantly judged. Who do I need to please? Myself and God. If I can live with myself daily and I can live with my relationship with God, I think I am good. I can always do better in life. That is a given. Who couldn’t? But I don’t have to ask others to be ok with who I am. You like me or not. I’m too old to play games and I am too old to care what you think. I am over it. I will always strive to do better in life, but it will be for personal edification and not to please others.

Recently I was reading a post on Facebook about one person posting about how someone might not be a Christian because of their posts. I like this person. But that bothered me. What if someone was having a bad day and said something with “curse” words in it? Does that make them not a Christian? I don’t think so. Which words are off-limits? Is it ok to talk about drinking but not cussing? I mean, where is the line on this? It really bothered me. If you’re friends with someone, be friends with them and accept them. Their Christianity is their own to deal with. It is not your responsibility.

Personally, I know I cuss too much. I know it. I have talked to God about it. I cuss so I don’t explode. But I guess what I don’t get it is if you don’t agree with someone, then stop being their friend and stop judging them. Do any of us have a right to judge someone else? I don’t know what you deal with. If you heard some of the crap I deal with you might be like, “How does she not snap?!” I cuss too much. I deal with a lot of stress and I feel like my head would blow off if I didn’t let that steam out in some way. Some days I can curtail my mouth and some days I can’t. Some days after you have been told what a terrible human you are and how awful you are and you can’t say anything back to someone, you wait until you are away from the person and then let a stream come out that sometimes turns blue to prevent your head from exploding.

Matthew 7:3-5: ³ Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? ⁴ Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

Yeah, that was Jesus talking. So if He is saying to not judge, maybe we as mere mortals need to take the advice. It’s hard. We’re always going to judge in some fashion. It’s human nature. We do it so well. But most of us don’t like being judged and so most of us need to quit judging. If you want to influence others, a more positive approach is to lead by example. Showing a positive example is the best way to live I think. (I’m trying to cut back on the cussing and deal with stress more positively. So far I haven’t done so well, but I keep trying!)

Related articles

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Whose Business Is It?

Cover via Amazon

I was listening to Byron Katie’s audiobook  Loving What Is  and really got into it. One thing she said that got me is when we are thinking of shoulds and shouldn’ts, we are often worrying about things that are often not our business. There are things that are your business, my business and God’s business. I should worry about my business. I can’t stop every thought, but I can decide whose business it is and try to let it just be their business.

It’s not that I even care too much about other people’s business. A lot of times I care about how other people feel about me. Know what? That’s not my business! I can’t change them or their view. I can only live my life to make myself the best person I feel I need to be and do what makes me feel better. I know who I have to answer to at the end of the day and at the end of my life. Most of the people who I have been worried about in the past are not in those two categories so ultimately I don’t need to worry so much about what they think!

It’s a pretty liberating thought when you really consider it. While very liberating, it is also very difficult. We’re not wired that way. Well, not most of us anyway. I wasn’t. I was raised by a baby-boomer who wanted me to behave 85% of the time. She enjoyed my impropriety 10% of the time and then the other 5% of the time she was confused by it.

I am trying to do my hardest to live my life with it my business. I do wish people approved of my business, but I can’t live for others. I tried. I really did. It caused me to marry the wrong man and then to live in pain and tears for years due to that wrong and fateful decision. Why? Because I was living someone else’s business.

So whose business is it? It’s Amy’s business! And I’m living it intentionally now.

(If you have lived for others, I urge you to check out Byron Katie. It’s very good. Read  her book or listen to her audiobook Loving What Is.)

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