Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

In Defense of Mental Illness

Mental illness…two words that scare the hell out of some people. It scares those who have never dealt with it. It scares those who remain ignorant to it. Do  you know what mental illness is? It is an illness that affects the mind. It can range in severity. It can be something so simple as a chemical imbalance, which only means that your body isn’t producing enough of a certain chemical to make your brain fire “normally”. Or it can be so severe that you are a danger to others. The range is VAST!

I bring this up because frankly I consider diabetes to be something of a chemical imbalance as well. Your body is  not making the amount of insulin necessary. That’s a chemical imbalance isn’t it? People who suffer diabetes generally aren’t told how terrible they are for having diabetes. No. They are told to go to the doctor and to get treatment. And a lot of times treatment is affordable and their medications and appointments are covered by insurance. This is not always the case for people with mental illness.

People with mental illness can’t always afford their illness. It isn’t always covered by insurance. It is sometimes covered under a special umbrella. There are limitations. There are limits on visits. There are limits on who they can see. There are limits on medications. There are limits on lifetime benefits.

Most people with a true mental illness aren’t instantly cured with a few sessions. It is ongoing. It is painful. It is their life. Just like type 1 Diabetes affects patients for a lifetime, mental illness can affect patients for a lifetime. Sometimes there are situations, such as dealing with a situation, where a person will only need temporary help. The limitations on insurance might be effective for those types of situations, but for people with chronic, on-going issues, it is not helpful.

It pisses me off and pains me when I hear people speak so negatively about people with mental health issues. I feel like people just don’t get it and just don’t care to get it. They feel holier than thou and prefer to stay safe in their bubble-wrapped glass houses. They feel they are untouchable by something that has touched so many. I feel sorry for their ignorance and yet disdainful for their judgments. They are so ignorant to think that the perfect storm couldn’t cause the same situations to affect their lives and so judgmental to assume they could or would handle things differently had they walked in another’s shoes. You can’t look at one aspect of a person’s life and think about how you would handle something (i.e., suicide); no, you have to look at all the pain, losses, grief, etc. they have endured throughout their whole life and see that they went through that while dealing with mental illness. Sometimes they are only in dealing with something that is situational. Other times they are dealing with something that has affected them from the time they were conceived.

Why do I have such a strong opinion on this? I have dealt with mental illness from the moment I was born. I was surrounded by it. I was around people who had it. I have it. My loved ones have. My loved ones had it. It has hurt me in ways I can’t describe. I have had it shape my life. I have worked in it. I understand it. I don’t understand it.

I suppose those answers are confusing. I have dealt with depression for just about as long as I remember. I am not going to discuss all of it. It is personal and it is mine. The severity of my depression has ranges. When my personal life was a wreck and everything was falling apart, I will admit I wanted to die. I didn’t want to just die for a moment. No. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die. But I wanted to live more. I prayed and begged God to help me and He did. I was and am grateful God loved me enough to get through to me. He kept pointing out to me the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This did give me hope at times when I had none. This gave me strength to reach out and get help. I was blessed and lucky. I was able to get help.

I do not consider myself any better than anyone else. Some people can’t hear God because they are too deep in a pit of despair and depression. Some people don’t turn to God because they feel He is the reason for their despair. Because of this, they may do a variety of things to try to feel better. It’s a form of self-medication. When  you feel bad, don’t you try to feel better? Most do. They have probably tried various methods and they’ve failed. They probably feel like a failure. If they don’t kill themselves then they start doing something to numb themselves or make life tolerable. They take a pill or drink something. It can lead to more and more. This can lead to addiction. I’m not saying it is a good way to medicate. But it is often cheaper than going to the doctor. You don’t have to make an appointment. You don’t have to fight with your insurance company to do it. You can just medicate. And it is readily available. (Unless you live in the South and have Blue Laws.)

Mental illness isn’t just one type of illness. As I said, there are many types. If you want to learn more, you can visit NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can look up information specifically about mental illness and get answers. You can also look for support and/or programs that might be beneficial. It is a little easier to understand than DSM, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This is the book that psychiatrists and psychologists use as their bible daily.

I ask anyone reading this to please consider how you could easily be affected by the disease of mental illness. It is a disease as much as diabetes and other things are. You should treat it as such and treat the people afflicted with it with the same respect you would with any other illness or disease. Don’t condemn them. Would  you want someone slinging hateful words at you for something that is consuming  your life that you didn’t ask for and were born with? Try having mercy. I ask others to please remember that you still could be affected by mental illness. If you have a brain, which I hope you do, then something could affect it at some point in your life. My hope is that it doesn’t. But if it does, I hope you have support. I have lived through times where I felt there was no support. Those are the hardest times of all.

Related articles

• Mental Illness is such a dirty word (poemsforkush.com)
• New CDC Vital Signs: Smoking among those with Mental Illness (prweb.com)
• Executives dismissing staff mental health issues (smh.com.au)
• A Quandary: Mental Illness, Public Safety (acanvasoftheminds.wordpress.com)
• Mental Illness in Kids: The Surprising Warning Signs (everydayhealth.com)
• DSM-V – Mental Illness vs Normal Behavior (theness.com)

Flirting?

 I have gone through many phases of life. When I was younger, I was quite outgoing. I didn’t care what people thought; I just said or did it. Then I became quite self-conscious. I became more introverted. I could hide it, though. I could flirt from time to time. But I never knew when a male was interested in me. (By the way, I still don’t.) Then I hit a spell where I got a little more comfortable with myself again and honestly had a plethora of men to practice on. Some was innocent flirting and some was “let’s see what happens” flirting. It was fun and interesting. It was kind of like an experiment. If science had been like that in school, I would have LOVED it! I should have taken more psychology classes because human interaction is fascinating. Then I made some bad choices. Boy were they bad! I went back to being the natural introvert I am.So I felt the flirt come out recently. It was SHOCKING! I didn’t mean to do it. It was natural and somewhat disconcerting. I saw this man and he was funny and smart and he could talk geek to me! DING DING DING! We have a winner! Amy is now interested. And it is so funny how it happens. He says something. I say something and I laugh and before I knew it I flipped my hair. I thought to myself even as I did it, What the hell did I just do? Flipped my hair? Have I flipped my wig for real? WTH?! I kept going, though, I chatted, smiled and laughed. It was a brief moment but I do have a chance to talk to him later. Do I feel self-conscious? Do I roll with it? Did he notice? Did he care? Was his wedding band in the shop or is he REALLY single? And why do women analyze this stuff? It’s funny. I’m thinking of writing a sitcom. These are the things women do. (Men, you are getting insight into a woman’s psyche for FREE! Pay attention! And repay the kindness! Give information back!) So now you know. I’m partially crazy. I did something that shocked me. It didn’t kill me. So there ya go!

Related articles

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Bad Pennies

Some people are like bad pennies. You can’t get rid of them. They pop up out of nowhere. You thought you were rid of them and then there they are! Out of the blue they are in your life again in some form. Bad pennies are quite negative, thus the term “bad.”

It is so weird, too, because like in the last few weeks I was going along in my life just fine, minding my business. Then there was the penny. I tossed it out. Obviously not hard enough. So then there were all these little return visits by that damned penny. Then today it came back and I was like really?! Damnation! You are a very persistent and obviously stupid penny! Why don’t you take a hint and leave? I throw you away and you keep coming back. I don’t want you in my life. I like nickels, dimes, and quarters and even GOOD pennies! I don’t like BAD pennies! GO AWAY!!!!!!! 

Then this other bad penny in my life…it’s so weird. I didn’t consider this person a bad penny until recently. But it seems this person can’t be bothered to be nice or even civil occasionally to me. No, this person is more like a troll and they search me out to be argumentative about differences of opinions. This person pops up like a bad penny when there is something of a differing opinion not to offer a different view, but rather to be argumentative. If this person wants to be a part of my life in a positive way, I would welcome it, but they have become so negative and bitter towards me that I now just view them as a bad penny. I am at a point in life where I now listen to rational people who can carry on a conversation that is a two-way street. If you want it just one-way, go talk to yourself in a mirror. I no longer tolerate rants directed straight at me. So, second bad penny, we all make choices. Your choice is to alienate yourself from my life, but please do not act like I did it. I am not the one with harsh words. I have had kind words toward you and I hope you will remember that. If you refuse, that is your issue, not mine.

One penny I have thrown away over and over and it keeps coming back. I don’t want it back. I hope it falls in the sewer and stays there, festering in the crap that it is. The other penny is one that has the ability to be a different kind and could be welcomed into my life, but I don’t know what the choice will be. I do know that something will have to change, though, or that penny will be considered a bad penny and will be treated as such.

Changes and Such

This year has been full of changes for me. Some have been of my own making and some have been made for me. I have wondered how to make life better and how to just live better in general. I was reading an article online that I felt was really interesting and was mostly beneficial to what I was wondering about. It was actually in a magazine I usually don’t read, Forbes Magazine. According to the article, you can change your life in 5 simple steps. I smile as I type that because I really don’t believe it is as simple as that. But it would be nice if it was. They do bring up some pretty good ideas. I agreed with 4 out of 5.

Beyond The Secret: Change Your Life in Five Simple Steps

Panos Mourdoukoutas, Contributor

The article says that you should:

1. “Stop being self-absorbed, get out of your cocoon, and search for a purpose that will add meaning and excitement in your life.” This to me is so important because so often we feel so unfulfilled and we don’t look for what will add that meaning and/or excitement. I admit I have been guilty of this.
   
2. “Move to a new neighborhood, a new town, where people appreciate different ways of thinking.” I don’t agree with this. I just don’t think this is possible for everyone. Not everyone can pick up and move. Sometimes you have to adapt where you are. Sometimes you have to plan and dream so that you can eventually move to a place where you will be more appreciated. But don’t drop everything suddenly just because you’re suddenly not happy. That is ridiculous!
3. “Acquire new acquaintances and new friends, who appreciate who you are, and help you find your “element” rather than distracting you from it.” I totally agree with this! If you aren’t happy, then find new people who support what makes you happy. They will understand your dreams and ideas. For instance, I have a love of art and writing. I have made more friends who love the same things. Yes, some of them are online, but they are friends. They get it. They understand that urge to write when I have something in my head or heart that is just bothering me. I have other friends who appreciate my writing, but they don’t get the urgency of it. They don’t understand that it is something I have to do rather than something I like to do.
4. “Develop good habits.”The article goes on to say: “Another way of putting it is this: very often we find ourselves involved in jobs and various occupations, which we derive little to no satisfaction or they don’t totally fulfill us. Yet we continue on the same line because this is what we have been taught to do and don’t have the guts to walk away from a well-paid job. There comes a time to move away from unfulfilling contexts.” Boy, do I get this! Not only have I done this, but I see this in others as well. The thing is that it isn’t so easy to walk away. If you don’t have a safety net, then you just can’t walk away and I think this article doesn’t take that into consideration at all. Normal people can’t just walk away and do whatever it is in life they want. But I totally agree with the statement of developing good habits. So if they can’t walk away from a job that is killing them, they can develop good habits and learn how to turn off the switch to that job at quitting time and quit letting it rule their life. It is a job. It is a means to an end. It is not their life.
5. “To change your life, you need more than positive thoughts. You must find your element by changing the context you live in.” You have to make choices that are going to make things real. If you don’t, you’re going to be stuck. I understand because I have lived stuck for so long I can’t even believe it. I’m stronger than this. I don’t like being stuck. I can’t just talk the talk; I have to walk the walk.

Related articles

• 5 Simple Steps To Change Your Life (forbes.com)
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