Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Perception Is A Funny Thing

I was talking to one of my BFFs today and she said something that struck me. She told me that she thought I was strong. Her perception of me is so different than what I think of myself. The thing is that I feel she is incredibly strong and I don’t know how she went through the things she has and survived so well. She doesn’t view herself that way either.

It seems like when we go through trials we just do it because there aren’t many options. You do it or you die. It’s simple in some ways and yet so complicated. In my ups and downs, there were times where dying seemed like the better option. But God has a plan. I still don’t know what it is, but I’m learning more each day.

But don’t you find it interesting that you can tell someone they’re so strong and courageous and they look at you like you’re nuts? And you feel the same at times during difficult circumstances. I suppose when we’re so entangled in the drama and emotional upheaval that we can’t be objective and see that it’s really amazing that we’re functioning at all. We may just be going through the motions, but sometimes that’s more than anyone else expected of us.

Almost Amish

My cord for the computer recently bit the dust. I had to order a new one, which I hope will be here in two more days. I didn’t want to pay for a shipping method that was essentially the same price as the actual cord. But I’m having withdrawals and am wondering if it might have been worth it.

I have had to change the way I do so many things and it’s made me feel almost Amish! I can’t just order a pizza online. Oh no! I have to call the place if I want a pizza. Writing this blog has been hard! I don’t know how people do it from these stupid fake keys on their smartphones. (BTW please forgive if typos. Fat thumbs and itty bitty fake keys make for nonsense at times. Maybe I shouldn’t order pizza EVER!)

I just feel so technologically lost right now. Maybe Amish people
feel like this, too? It’s supposed to be simpler but I love having answers to a gazillion questions at my fingertips easily. ::Sigh:: I want my power cord. I don’t think I could make it as an Amish chick.

Changing My Ways

Most of us have felt the stinging pain of rejection at some point in life. If you haven’t you are very lucky. I have been very unlucky. I have felt it a lot in life. It is a painful thing. Sometimes the rejection comes from people who you really cared about and some from people you really don’t really give 2 craps about. For the ones you don’t really care about, you are usually having to reach out for a work situation or social situation. The rejection just causes awkwardness and makes life a little more difficult because you have to work hard to accomplish a goal.

Rejection from people whom you care about? Oh boy! That is a different story altogether! It can be a love interest, friends, or even family. I have experienced it all. It really hits your self-esteem. It makes you wonder if you are such a terrible person that these people refuse to care about you. I have gone to therapy about this because I used to think that something was really wrong with me. Surely to God there really must be something wrong if nobody gave a damn about me. Right? The therapist asked me if nobody really gave a damn about me. Honestly? Nobody? Was there nobody on this earth that loved me? I started ticking off the names of a few people who really loved me unconditionally. The therapist then said, “The problem isn’t that nobody loves you. The problem is that your picker is wrong.” I stared at him as if he had suddenly gone mad. What the hell is a picker and how do you get it fixed?! He said, “You are attached to some people biologically. That doesn’t mean they are going to love you. That doesn’t mean you are going to love them. You may have had a past with them but if it is over and done, it just is. Treasure it for what it was. But as for the new people, you are picking some people who are not good for you! They are not emotionally available to you. At first it doesn’t bother you but then it does. Quit picking them!”

I mulled over what the therapist had said. When we talked again I brought up the picker thing. He explained that my picker did pick some good people. I did have some good people in my life. The point he wanted me to see is to just look at these people closer. He knew I guarded my heart already and that could be a double-edged sword. But I needed to quit letting these people’s actions hurt me so much. If they were hurting me in any capacity for a long period, then I needed to get rid of them. Lack of care is a form of hurt, too. I couldn’t let people put me on the back burner until they decided they wanted me to be a part of their life again. That wasn’t fair to me. It honestly made me feel like a marionette. Someone jerking strings and controlling my movements.

It took a long time to realize that I could control who was a part of my life. In a way it wasn’t the way I was raised and in another way, it was exactly the way I was raised. I know that doesn’t make sense. I was always taught to forgive and forget and all that good Southern stuff. And it is good…to an extent. Too much of it, though, can eat away at you. It erodes your insides. It makes you feel as if the relationship is more important than you. That is not good. When you lose your autonomy because of people-pleasing, you feel defeated. That is how I felt for a very long time. Let me emphasize VERY long time. It changed who I was. I am now changing my ways. I am changing back to my real self. I can only please some of the people some of the time, and that includes me.

I am working on fixing my people picker. I wish there was a service department for that. It would make life so much easier. I am learning that while some people may reject me, that it is their loss. It isn’t me that they are necessarily rejecting. It is their inability to deal with someone smart and outspoken. I have found that some people cannot have a rational conversation with anyone who might challenge their thinking. I don’t argue with everyone, but I do think for myself. Some people don’t like that. Some people do. I’ll eventually find more people who do like that.

Related articles

• Rejection – It Hurts (yogisbasket.wordpress.com)
• Rejection Reflection (queenlyandconfident.com)
• Fear of Rejection (thedistinctdot.com)
• Rejection Pain is Real (entresting.com)
• Rejection (ain’t it a bitch!) (newrussell5087.wordpress.com)
• Rejection Bites (divinefemininecommunications.wordpress.com)

 

Conspiracy Theory

All my friends love hearing about the exploits of Lawnmower Man/Weedeater Man/Leaf Blower Man. He is quite noisy and active. I was talking with a friend of mine this morning and telling about his last round of entertainment and we were laughing and she asked, “Doesn’t he know you work at night?” My response was, “He has seen me come in every morning. Maybe he thinks I’m a prostitute!” We died laughing at the absurdity of that. But upon more thought, maybe he really does! I mean, I am out most every night. Who else does that? Common prostitutes according to what you see on television and movies. I don’t know for sure since I am not one. But anyway, if Lawnmower Man/Weedeater Man/Leaf Blower Man thinks I am a prostitute and doesn’t like them, it would stand to reason that he would do his best to aggravate me. Right? I mean, who really needs to blow flippin’ leaves for hours on end? Who mows grass to the point there is a dust trail flying behind them? Who weedeats blades of grass and not weeds? See? It all adds up. He’s trying to get to me! If she can’t sleep, she’ll move! So now I have a conspiracy theory.

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• Conspiracy Intro (msarroub.wordpress.com)