Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Whose Business Is It?

Cover via Amazon

I was listening to Byron Katie’s audiobook  Loving What Is  and really got into it. One thing she said that got me is when we are thinking of shoulds and shouldn’ts, we are often worrying about things that are often not our business. There are things that are your business, my business and God’s business. I should worry about my business. I can’t stop every thought, but I can decide whose business it is and try to let it just be their business.

It’s not that I even care too much about other people’s business. A lot of times I care about how other people feel about me. Know what? That’s not my business! I can’t change them or their view. I can only live my life to make myself the best person I feel I need to be and do what makes me feel better. I know who I have to answer to at the end of the day and at the end of my life. Most of the people who I have been worried about in the past are not in those two categories so ultimately I don’t need to worry so much about what they think!

It’s a pretty liberating thought when you really consider it. While very liberating, it is also very difficult. We’re not wired that way. Well, not most of us anyway. I wasn’t. I was raised by a baby-boomer who wanted me to behave 85% of the time. She enjoyed my impropriety 10% of the time and then the other 5% of the time she was confused by it.

I am trying to do my hardest to live my life with it my business. I do wish people approved of my business, but I can’t live for others. I tried. I really did. It caused me to marry the wrong man and then to live in pain and tears for years due to that wrong and fateful decision. Why? Because I was living someone else’s business.

So whose business is it? It’s Amy’s business! And I’m living it intentionally now.

(If you have lived for others, I urge you to check out Byron Katie. It’s very good. Read  her book or listen to her audiobook Loving What Is.)

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You Can’t Please Everyone

I have learned through these years that I certainly can’t please everyone all the time. I can’t please them most of the time. I have learned, though, that I need to try to please myself more. I have to live with myself and my decisions.

Growing up I was taught to try to please people. That’s how my Mama was raised. She wanted to please others. It often made her frustrated and torn. Her reaction to these feelings and mine were quite different. She internalized those feelings and I didn’t. I was loud and angry with mine. Neither of us were happy with these feelings. I think she was partly right. It is good to do well by others and to be helpful and kind. But it is not good to do this to your own detriment. She would do this and sometimes expect me to do so as well. While she was living I would do so, although it was quite grudgingly. As I have gotten older, I have seen the people-pleasing blow up in my face more times than I can count. (And I can count pretty high!)

It finally hit me that Mama’s way wasn’t necessarily right. She had a good heart. And she meant well. But I can’t please everyone all the time. And trying to do so was harming me. It made me feel like a failure. I already felt that way. I didn’t need that to be compounded. It was a relief to finally release myself from the burden of people-pleasing. I don’t go out of my way to be “ugly” to others, but I don’t allow  other’s pleasure to take over every aspect of my life. For people I love I will make exceptions to things, but I won’t let their whims control me.

I think Mama and I both would have been a lot happier had we really understood the saying “you can’t please everyone all the time.” It would have been liberating. It is a much lighter load now that I finally get it. I miss her and talking about things like this.

Mixed feelings

I’m close to finishing school. A week and a half to be exact. I’m not feeling happy or excited really. Well I suppose there’s something similar to that. But I feel more melancholy. That feels and sounds weird. I’ve worked hard. You’d think I’d  be giddy. No. I’m sad and a little depressed. After all this hard work there’s nobody to share the achievement with. It feels kind of hollow.

I am also feeling loss. I know that sounds odd as well. But for the last two years school has been my refuge. Life sucked. So I could hide by studying. I could shut down emotionally. I am realizing I won’t have my security blanket of school any longer. That’s scary. I could go to grad school but I’m not ready for that. So weighing my options of emotions or more school, I suppose it’s emotions. And that is a horrible  thought.

I complain about never having free time. But honestly do I want free time? That just gives more time to deal with unwanted emotion or the loss I feel of no school or whatever else.  I might try to escape. Then again it might give me more time to write or paint. Or clean house!

Past?

The past has been in the present lately. Many people have been on my mind. There is no way some of them can be present yet they are. They’re right here with me. Like it or not. They are in my thoughts. They are in my dreams. Some are even in my wishes.

I don’t know why I can’t not think about them. I try. Believe me. It’s a bunch of mixed emotions when I think about them. I  love them but don’t want to think about them. I know that is weird. But thinking about them hurts my heart.

Some of these people who are gone from my life are gone through no fault. Others are gone because of fault. I look back and sigh. I give them all, living and dead, much love. And then I push them out of my mind. (Until they creep back in.)