Who Cares?

Have you ever felt that way? Sometimes I feel frustrated with life and feel alone and wonder “Who Cares?” There are days I wonder if anyone does. Then I remind myself a few do. But I mean, like on Facebook I have over 200 “friends” and honestly when I post anything only about 10 or so ever actually respond. So who cares?

It makes me question things. It makes me wonder. It makes me analyze. I know a few reasons for some things. Then other times there is just no reason. I am not one to really unfriend people without a strong reason. But then again maybe who cares? Maybe some of these people just don’t. I don’t know. And I know I am not perfect. But if some people just interacted once in a while, we could work on what I am doing wrong, too. Sometimes I just don’t know. I admit I am sometimes clueless.

I sent a message to a “friend” who I have known since I was 6 years old a month or so ago. It had something in it that meant something to me. I never got a response. I know she read it. So what? Who cares? I really don’t know what is in her head. Should I care? A part of me thinks, “But she has been a part of your life so long.” Another part asked, “Really? Who cares?” If she cared so little as to disregard what I wrote and not even bother to respond, she must not care too much. She could have emailed. I know I work odd hours, but email can come at any hour.

Then there’s the people who only reach out to say something negative about what I post. Know what? Who cares?! I don’t. If you don’t have something positive to say to me EVER, then I don’t care about your negativity. If you only troll my stuff to find the one political or religious post so you can jump all over that shit, then who cares? Did you ever think that I have a birthday? Did you ever think to just say hi? Then who cares? I just don’t care about negativity from someone who obviously really doesn’t care to know the real me.

I know some people are busy with their lives. I get it. But it makes me wonder at times if they care. I have limited time off. VERY LIMITED. I know a lot of people don’t understand my job, but I have told them repeatedly my schedule. I have to work a lot in order to survive. It is just me in the world and if I don’t work my ass off, then I live in a ditch.It’s that simple. I can’t just quit. But it would be nice once in a while for someone to think maybe I might like to do something once in a blue moon. Maybe meet for a drink or out to eat. It would be nice to be asked. I feel like I have asked a lot when I am off for a quick meet or something and have been rejected. But who cares? That’s part of the reason I isolate. It’s easier.

And I know some people might read this and say, “I’ve invited her over on holidays!” I usually work on holidays and I have to be there at my usual time normally and so I have to go to bed as normal. My sleep is usually so hard to come by, that I have to try to stay as scheduled as possible. I don’t get off for holidays like most people. My company is 24/7 and we work our normal schedules year-round. We aren’t allowed to ask off for holidays. If the holiday falls on my normal day off then I have the day off; otherwise, I am working. Also, I don’t do holidays too well anyway except Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Flag Day, Veterans Day, and Thanksgiving. The other holidays usually hurt my heart so much that seeing other happy families makes me hurt more and miss mine even more. I’m sorry, but it is the truth. It’s not meant to be mean but my heart aches so much on those days that I want to hide from the world usually.

I know other people’s lives are busy, but sometimes I would like to feel included. I get told, “You are part of the family.” I don’t feel like it. But then again, I have honestly felt like that most of my life in some way. I tried to feel like part of the family because that was the most important thing in the world to me. Who cares? I do.

Another Year…

Another year rolls around. It actually zipped by. I’m older. I wonder why we celebrate and then I suppose it is just the fact that it is all that is thrown at us in a year. We made it through it all! Wooohooo!!! Right? So I survived to make it to another age. Yeah! I’ll lie about my age, but I survived dammit! Just like I hide those gray hairs. I lie by covering them, but they’re still mine.

So today is my birthday. I celebrated last night and had a lot of fun with crazy friends. We didn’t do anything wild, but it was fun. I laughed like I hadn’t done in a long time and Lord knows I needed that. I need that more. That is my wish for the year…more laughter, less stress.

The day does bring somber thoughts, as well. Today is Mama’s birthday. My wish for her is that she is eating a big ol’ piece of cake with God and Daddy and laughing as well. Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you.

 

Changing My Ways

Most of us have felt the stinging pain of rejection at some point in life. If you haven’t you are very lucky. I have been very unlucky. I have felt it a lot in life. It is a painful thing. Sometimes the rejection comes from people who you really cared about and some from people you really don’t really give 2 craps about. For the ones you don’t really care about, you are usually having to reach out for a work situation or social situation. The rejection just causes awkwardness and makes life a little more difficult because you have to work hard to accomplish a goal.

Rejection from people whom you care about? Oh boy! That is a different story altogether! It can be a love interest, friends, or even family. I have experienced it all. It really hits your self-esteem. It makes you wonder if you are such a terrible person that these people refuse to care about you. I have gone to therapy about this because I used to think that something was really wrong with me. Surely to God there really must be something wrong if nobody gave a damn about me. Right? The therapist asked me if nobody really gave a damn about me. Honestly? Nobody? Was there nobody on this earth that loved me? I started ticking off the names of a few people who really loved me unconditionally. The therapist then said, “The problem isn’t that nobody loves you. The problem is that your picker is wrong.” I stared at him as if he had suddenly gone mad. What the hell is a picker and how do you get it fixed?! He said, “You are attached to some people biologically. That doesn’t mean they are going to love you. That doesn’t mean you are going to love them. You may have had a past with them but if it is over and done, it just is. Treasure it for what it was. But as for the new people, you are picking some people who are not good for you! They are not emotionally available to you. At first it doesn’t bother you but then it does. Quit picking them!”

I mulled over what the therapist had said. When we talked again I brought up the picker thing. He explained that my picker did pick some good people. I did have some good people in my life. The point he wanted me to see is to just look at these people closer. He knew I guarded my heart already and that could be a double-edged sword. But I needed to quit letting these people’s actions hurt me so much. If they were hurting me in any capacity for a long period, then I needed to get rid of them. Lack of care is a form of hurt, too. I couldn’t let people put me on the back burner until they decided they wanted me to be a part of their life again. That wasn’t fair to me. It honestly made me feel like a marionette. Someone jerking strings and controlling my movements.

It took a long time to realize that I could control who was a part of my life. In a way it wasn’t the way I was raised and in another way, it was exactly the way I was raised. I know that doesn’t make sense. I was always taught to forgive and forget and all that good Southern stuff. And it is good…to an extent. Too much of it, though, can eat away at you. It erodes your insides. It makes you feel as if the relationship is more important than you. That is not good. When you lose your autonomy because of people-pleasing, you feel defeated. That is how I felt for a very long time. Let me emphasize VERY long time. It changed who I was. I am now changing my ways. I am changing back to my real self. I can only please some of the people some of the time, and that includes me.

I am working on fixing my people picker. I wish there was a service department for that. It would make life so much easier. I am learning that while some people may reject me, that it is their loss. It isn’t me that they are necessarily rejecting. It is their inability to deal with someone smart and outspoken. I have found that some people cannot have a rational conversation with anyone who might challenge their thinking. I don’t argue with everyone, but I do think for myself. Some people don’t like that. Some people do. I’ll eventually find more people who do like that.

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Truly Thankful

I should be asleep. I am tired. It’s Thanksgiving and I have to work tonight. Last night was busy. I’m afraid tonight will be, too.

Holidays bring up emotions, memories, and cause sleep to be hard. I just took more sleep meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I have been mostly in a great mood. This morning, though, memories flooded me of years gone by. This brought up so many mixed emotions. Happy times. Sad times. People and places I just can’t forget. Some I wish I could and some I hope I never do.

I did really well for a while. I fought emotions off that were negative and went with the positive ones. I wrote my Happy Thanksgiving post on Facebook. I received some wonderful replies. Then I got the most wonderful post from my Mama’s best friend that touched my heart so much that I just lost it. I cried like a baby. I think the dam broke from all the emotions of earlier in the day and I cried the deep heaving sobs that wrack your whole body and the hot tears pour as if there is no stopping them. There is a primal sound that is indescribable and comes from your core. Thankfully, this dam was quickly repaired and control was again underway, but it was such a powerful few minutes. It made my sweet Soleil run to see if I was ok. She kept making these noises with me as I poured my heart out and just let me stroke her. My Mama’s best friend told me that she was grateful that she could still see my face and still knew me after all these years and that she was glad for the reason she knew me (my Mama) and that she loved me. It was such a wonderful thing to see. It was so wonderful to know that someone was thankful for me.

I often think of how insignificant I am. Yes, I guess I have esteem issues. There are days when I know I am a rock star at certain things, but then there are times when in the grand scheme of things when I think no one really cares about me. Knowing that someone loves me and is grateful that they met me through my mother is amazing. It just made my heart swell.

I also had my heart lifted when my friends were worried about me not having something good to eat for Thanksgiving. One friend even was going to bring me food at work because she was so worried. I told her not to worry and just enjoy her time with family and friends because there is food at work waiting on me. A friend at work went ahead and made a plate up for me to make sure I didn’t get cheated. That has happened in the past and so she wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I am very appreciative.

I really got to celebrate Thanksgiving today. I know I did a post for today already, but the thing is that today I got to really feel it. While there was some moments that I didn’t want to feel, I was rewarded by some loving people who really care about me. And that is what I am so thankful for. These people touch my heart and my life and just make me so grateful to know them. They make life so much easier when life is so hard.

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Giving Thanks

There were times in my life when I wasn’t sure I really had much to be thankful for. I felt so empty and alone that I just didn’t see how I could be grateful for that. Over the past couple of years I have learned that while I may feel alone that I am not. I may no longer really be part of any one particular family anymore, I am still Amy.

I am grateful that my mother raised me to be outspoken and free-thinking and willful. Some people think she didn’t do that, but she told me one day in a very long and poignant conversation that she did that because she wanted me to speak out and be heard when I wanted or needed to be. She didn’t want me to feel stifled like she had in her life. So I am very grateful for a Mama who loved me enough to raise a wild-ass daughter, even when it backfired at times. (I know it seems like I am leaving my father out, but I am thankful for him and I do love and miss him. He just didn’t appreciate this particular aspect of me like Mama did.)

I have a few people who are in my life that are in that inner realm and I am grateful for them. I thank them for being a  part of my life. They didn’t duck and run when times weren’t easy. They stood fast and strong and waited for the storms of life to end so that the healing of time could begin. I am thankful. I have a love for these people that is beyond measure. It is rare to find these kinds of people to stand with you like this. Many people will run as soon as there is a moment of discomfort. I found that out the hard way with family and friends. Not all of them, but some. Some I never imagined and some I knew would do so. It hurt. That is why my love for the ones left is so much more powerful.

I am also very thankful for my country. I love the United States. It may not be perfect, but it is home and it is wonderful! I am free to say and think my dreams. Not everyone in this world has that privilege and that is so sad.

I am thankful for my dear cats who love me unconditionally. They make me smile and laugh at times when I don’t want to or don’t think it is possible. Soleil with her sweet, gentle heart. Chloe with her catch-me-if-you-can attitude. Such a difference in personalities and yet we are all a happy little family together. They both just love.

I am thankful for a job. Yes, it drives me crazy often, but it also provides enough money to live meagerly. I have days when I want to scream and tear out other people’s hair, but I think about how many people would like a job and it stops me. I have a job that I rock at. I have made some good friends over those phone lines. I am grateful for that paycheck.

I am even grateful for past relationships. They have shown me what I shouldn’t do and what I should look for. They have opened my eyes to my own flaws and have helped me overcome some of them and have helped me realize that I am stronger than I ever believed possible.

I am thankful for God for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Having lost my family young, I lost that cheering section that most people have. Most of us have a crowd of people telling us we can do things and to just go for it. When you feel lost and alone, it is hard to do that. But thankfully God has more faith in me than I have in myself and He cheers me on and tells me I can do things. I may not have a massive cheering section, but I have a great one!

I am thankful for anyone reading this. It means a lot that anyone has taken the time to read my heart, mind, and sometimes soul. Thank you.

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