There are times when I wonder if I am defective or broken. It seems as if I try so hard to do well and right and each time it blows up in my face. I don’t know if other people go through this but I wonder if I am the only one. It sure feels that way sometimes. I just get so frustrated that I want to sit and cry or scream or hide. I do cry sometimes. I scream at home. I hide in my bed on my days off when I can. But I can only do these things for so long. Then I have to face the world again.
I feel so frustrated at my incompetencies that I forget to look at my competencies. It’s much easier for me to be negative about myself than positive. I think throughout my life I have had people say negative things and I believed them. I shouldn’t have yet I did. I remember a teacher in high school telling me I was stupid and would never be able to do anything with computers and now what am I studying in college? Web design. And my GPA has been at least 3.4 the whole time. Obviously I am not stupid. But I get so overwhelmed when I don’t understand something easily. (BTW, I didn’t like high school and didn’t have the greatest teachers and, therefore, didn’t put any effort in it. My grades were still decent with no effort.) I have to remind myself that I am also taking classes online and with that I am basically teach myself. I am not sitting in a traditional classroom and hearing this information. I do not have the luxury of speaking one-on-one with the instructor about the materials or subject.
I sometimes feel lonely and really wonder if I am going to be alone forever. I was in a long-term relationship that fell apart. I look back and wonder if it was all a lie. And if it was all a lie, how did I not see that? How could I have spent years with someone and him not love me? Then I wonder what do 40-year-old men really want? I have heard they want smart and funny women. I have tried to convince myself I am smart. I am funny at times. Sometimes I miss things, but not too often. Usually I have a funny comeback that is comedic and not mean. I am self-deprecating.
So with all of this I wonder am I broken? Is there something wrong with me? Do other people feel this way? How do other people live their lives? I feel so busy and frustrated at times that I don’t have time to live a life. I want more than I have and I feel bad that I do. I don’t have it as bad as some people. I want to laugh more. I want to smile more. I don’t want to furrow my brow all the time anymore. I don’t want to grit my teeth. I want to smile and laugh. I know how. I just need things in my life that bring that out in me.