What do you say?

What do you say about what happened in Connecticut? It is something so horrific that I don’t know that there are words. My heart aches for those people who are affected by what happened. I cannot even imagine what they must be suffering. I can’t imagine what the survivors are feeling. I can’t imagine any of it. All I know is that there is a heaviness in my heart that is filled with prayers and support for these people who have gone through so much. I am so sorry for their pain and loss. I don’t want to write much about it because writing about someone else’s pain is hard. I just want to show love and respect for these people.

Sandy Hook residents, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Related articles

• My heart is in Connecticut (stolencolon.com)
• Heartbroken (thegreenparent.com)
• I Whisper A Prayer… (seyisandradavid.org)
• Sending my love to Connecticut (thegrassskirtblog.com)

Random Conversations

I rarely get to talk on the phone with my BFF anymore. I work 3rd shift and she works first. We communicate through Facebook, text messaging, and chatting online. It works for us. Yesterday was a rare occasion where we talked forever. And I mean we talked for hours about all kinds of crazy stuff. We had a long political debate which was rather interesting and spirited. We were on opposing sides for a while and then on the same team for a while. We laughed through portions of it and said we were glad we are the kind of people that can look at someone else’s POV and be ok with it. We’ve been watching so much drama online and just been taken aback by the overwhelming disrespect. My school of thought on this (because I won’t speak for her) is that we can have completely different ideas but I will listen if you speak respectfully and don’t attack me or come off arrogant or condescending. You do that and I’m done.

After our political folly we moved onto health issues. She and I discussed medical issues. We talked about my concerns about the cardiac monitor. Then I casually said, “Well, if the heart thing don’t get me the steroid shot I had might.” She was like, “What?!” So we laughed but were kind of serious about the latest medical scare with the fungal meningitis from steroid shots. I said, “Yeah, I was laying here thinking I hope I don’t die from that because my house is dirty.” She was laughing at me because I was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Then I told her I do need to write down my last wishes and things. She said, “You take this whole death thing a little too easy for my tastes.” I laughed and said, “It came to my life young so I am quite familiar with it. And it’s all good because I’m right with God.” So it has been decided if I kick it that Kim gets my sweet baby girls. She loves them. My cousin, Cindy, will take care of getting me cremated and throw my ashes off of Monte Sano Mountain in Huntsville, Alabama. I need to get a list of music together and I suppose make a mixed cd for anyone if they decide to do a service of some sort. It kind of scares me that nobody would show up. But I think I’d like Fire and Rain by James Taylor, Go Rest High on That Mountain by Vince Gill, I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me, Good Riddance by Green Day, I’ll Fly Away by Allison Krauss, and I Will Always Love You by Dolly Parton and Vince Gill.

We had to move on to something a little less serious and thankfully my cat, Soleil gave us just the right thing. She jumped up and unplugged the computer with her mouth and wanted to chew on the cord. We laughed at how matter of fact Miz Soleil was about getting the cord out. She knew exactly how hard to pull. So, again, the laughter started up.

It makes me wonder if others have these odd and interesting conversations. I won’t tell  you what the rest of the conversation was about. Let’s just say it was quite entertaining but stuff we don’t share with everyone.

Aubrey-fiction

Aubrey sat there and felt dead inside. That was the only way to describe it. Empty and dead. It was appropriate. All she could think about was the people she’d lost and buried years ago. She felt as dead as they were. It had only been ten years since she buried them. Amazing how time didn’t cure all wounds. It was a lie. How many times had people patted her hand or back and quietly said that time heals all wounds? She wished she could go back in time and tell them to quit lying.

It was Saturday night. Most people her age were either out celebrating life or enjoying their families. She was home alone. Well, she wasn’t completely alone. Her two cats were there with her. Luna and Bella kept her company when no one else would. They were her confidantes, her therapists, her friends.

At first she couldn’t figure out why today was so sentimental. Finally it dawned on her. Another anniversary. It seemed like every day was an anniversary of something. Every day was a reminder of lost loved ones. Typically she could numb herself in some way. Medications worked sometimes. Alcohol worked. Sometimes throwing herself into projects numbed her brain and body. Today was a day where a cocktail was needed. A little Xanax taken with a shot of tequila. She would feel better soon. And if not, hopefully she would just fall asleep.

The TV was on. She tried watching but there was nothing on that caught her mind, attention or heart. She just kept replaying conversations, moments, and just things that hurt. She wanted to turn the movies in her head off and focus on the TV. If only it was that easy. Her therapist had worked with her on techniques. Nothing was working. She wanted to scream. It would scare the cats. Instead she nestled deeper into the covers of the bed and pulled them around her. She left the TV on and lay there crying. She tried to not make too much noise. She didn’t want to scare the cats.

 (This is part of the creative writing/fiction that I am working on.)

Letter to Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I miss you. You and I didn’t have the easiest or best relationship. I’m sorry. I’d give anything in the world to have you back. I miss you so much. I am thinking about you right now and thinking how you thought of me as you were dying. You didn’t want me to be alone in that house when you died. You waited until I had someone with me before you left me and you waited until the day after my anniversary to leave. That was something so sweet and loving and I never got to tell you how much it meant to me that you were thinking of me so much. We may have had a lot of rocky times, but we loved each other. I know you are so much happier and not in pain. And I know you are with Mama. That eases my heart and mind more than anything in the world. I just miss you both so much. I love you, Daddy.

Amy

Losing Someone

Today I found out that my cousin passed away. His daughter is young, in her 20s, and has been struggling with this for a while. It was inevitable. She posted on Facebook today that her father had passed and my heart is breaking for the whole family.

I remember being just a little older than her when I lost both my parents. It’s so hard. You aren’t ready to let go and yet you have to. I am a few hundreds of miles away and can’t be there. I’m sitting here crying for all of them, but especially that young cousin who is so like me.

I pray that she can find strength through this and recognize that her father isn’t hurting anymore. It’s hard to do, though, when the only thing you want is to hold your Daddy’s hand and not let go. She’s young and has had to deal with a lot.

Man, today is a reminder of a day 15 years ago.