upside down life

Because I work 3rd shift my time feels upside down. I work 11p-7a. So I get home and want to chill out for a bit and then sleep. But it is daytime. And my landlord‘s father loves mowing grass and weedeating. I swear this man needs a real hobby or something! I get so aggravated with the noise but then I also worry about him. It’s hot and he’s in his late 60s out there working in the heat. So it is quite the quandary. I want to go out there and yell at him to stop that stupid noise! But then again, I want to take him a glass of water and tell him to rest.

I have thought about complaining but his son is my landlord. What’s gonna happen? “Dad, you need to quit mowing grass so much. The tenants are complaining.”

I sure wish he’d stop for a while. I’m tired and should be sleeping but here I am…typing. And waiting. It has to stop eventually, right?

Who I Am

I guess some people wonder why I am sensitive. Well, that is part of who I am. Do I like having a tender heart? No. I have tried to toughen it up. And you’d think with all the crap life has handed me that I just wouldn’t care about anything or anyone. It’s actually quite the opposite. I care more. I guard my heart, but once you are in you are in. I don’t give up on people or love easily, which hurts me more than I would like.

I am single and 40. I have two cats. They have been my only “family” for a while. My ex that I was going to marry decided he liked things that are bad for you more than he liked me. He was the only other man I ever fell in love with other than my now ex-husband. I didn’t have a serious relationship for 7 years after my divorce because I just couldn’t open my heart enough. Then the snake slithered in. Then almost 5 years later he slithered out.

You’d think that at 40 I would have my shit together. I wish! I think my 20s really screwed me up pretty bad. I lost both my parents within a span of 12.5 months. I was 25 when Mama died and 26 when Daddy died. In between their deaths I lost my grandmother, grandmother-in-law and a couple of friends. That’s a lot of loss for such a short time. I didn’t get to grieve properly because I was taking care of my father who was dying of lung cancer and emphysema. I was separated from my husband for almost a year to take care of Daddy. It was what I felt was right at the time and looking back I wouldn’t have traded anything for that time with Daddy. I would, on the other hand, trade the ex-husband sooner than he traded me if I could go back. But I can’t. So the now ex-hubby and I moved to Asheville, NC after Daddy died and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t my normal self. Well, it’s called depression. And I had it severely. It was debilitating. I lost my parents. I was an only child. And I had a husband who told me more than once that I should “just get over it.” My dog died soon after my parents. It was my last link to our little family. It seemed that every time I started to get on my feet that I would get knocked down. Then I started healing. And then the next thing I know I came home from work to find my husband holding separation papers. He had packed his stuff while I was at work. Cowardly I think. So I pitched a fit and threw a few things and cussed like a sailor and punched a wall. Then I told him to leave. He did. But not for long. He was confused and was back and forth for about 3 months and finally I had enough. I told him to come home and work on things or stay gone. He chose to stay gone. I chose to try to survive.

By the time I was 30 I was alone and depressed. Through the years I worked in jobs I never felt satisfied in. Then I “fell in love.” What a mess that was! Took years to get to it, and frankly I should have waited LONGER! But I fell in love with a charming, good-looking man who turned out to be horrible for me. I won’t discuss all the negativity but let’s just say it was more than one person should tolerate. But I love hard and strong and I don’t give up. Well, finally it came to a point where it wasn’t going to work and I had to see it. I never thought I could hurt as much as when I lost my parents. But I did. Oh God, did I! I had pain inside me that was unbelievable. I loved that man more than he ever deserved. He left me with a pile of bills, an expensive apartment and 2 cats.

I wouldn’t have made it without the cats…they are the ones who loved me unconditionally. I would cry and they would crawl up in my lap and let me just hold them. They sensed the pain I was in and tried their best to comfort me. I could only carry on for them for a while. I didn’t care about anything other than them. Today I care about them AND me. We are surviving. We don’t jump at every sound anymore. They don’t look out the window for their “Daddy” anymore. It is just us. We have people who care, but our family is Amy, Chloe & Soleil.

So sometimes if I am overly sensitive, please understand…I don’t want to be or mean to be. I’ve been through a lot and am really sensitive. I can’t help it. Believe me I have tried! But if you take the time to know me, then you’ll realize I can be your best friend if you are good to me. And if you’re not, I can be your worst enemy…ask the ex.

Take care and God bless!

Some Days

Some days I look at my life and wish I had done so many things differently. Would life be better? Would it be easier? My choices haven’t always been great but I can’t really help that now, can I? I can only try to do better. But there are some days when I wonder if the things I am doing now will make things better eventually. I work a crazy job on a crazy shift. I am living in a place where I feel safe but it is super expensive. I am going back to school in a couple of weeks and am scared. (I had to take a break from school because of my break-up that devastated me for a while.)

I am trying hard to just survive and some days I feel like it isn’t good enough. Some days I just want to scream and cry instead of dealing with everything. Some days I wish there was someone to hold my hand and help me through things rather than feeling as if I have always been alone. Some days I really hate the decisions I have made and wonder “what if” way too many times. Some days I just want to go to bed and let the world pass me by. But then again some days I want to kick fate’s ass and tell it that it will not control me. Some days I feel like I can overcome and not take crap.

Maybe in the future I will look back at these “some days” and see how they have helped me. Some day…

Getting Older…

Getting older is hard for most people. Today/yesterday I went to the doctor. It was a new doctor for me due to a change in insurance. My new insurance is not accepted by my old doctor so I had to change. So I go in and am in the exam room with the nurse. We are talking and I’m giving history. One of the first questions is, “How old are you?” I know how old I am, but let me tell ya, saying it out loud was not easy! I meekly said, “40.” So then we go over everything about me. Lord have mercy! They asked a million questions. I realize they have to but it sure did make me feel a lot older. The next thing was let’s check vitals and everything. Well of course today of all days my blood pressure was high. Great. I am almost dead as far as temperature is concerned. I am always low so I wasn’t too concerned about that. Then I have to give family history. After giving all that information I wondered why I’m not dead yet. I swear there are so many ailments throughout my family. So between my personal crap and my family’s history it seems as if I really don’t have a shot in hell. So the doctor finally comes in and she is sweet as can be! But she looks 12. I am pretty sure she is just aging quite well, but she still looks 12 and that was a little distracting. She was a great listener, though. She really seemed to care and that was awesome. I told her about my torn rotator cuff and how it has been killing me lately and that I eat way too many ibuprofens daily to keep the pain down some. She asked if I wanted a cortisone injection. YES! Hurts like hell going in and for the first day but it sure does help later. We also decided I needed a B-12 shot, too. So after all of this we discuss my need for weight loss. Yeah, I’m too heavy. Yeah, my blood pressure is up. Yeah, I know all the risks. So we discuss prescriptions and plans for weight loss. I have to go back in a month. I hope I can get some weight lost by then! This appointment really made me realize I am aging. I am not 20-something anymore. I’m 2x 20. Wow! So all of this is gonna be hard to deal with but I’m going to try. I even bought Slimfast today! Getting older sucks!

Life Lessons from Watching “House”

I have been watching “House” lately. I have actually been addicted to it. Dr. Gregory House may be a cynic but he is pretty smart. One episode really struck a chord with me. It was about how bad things happen to some people even when they do the right thing. He was questioning why that happens. I do that so often, too. I don’t want to but it seems as if many good people I know are getting such horrible things thrown at them. They try to do the right things. They’re good people. So what is up?

I can’t believe that these people have been so terrible in their past lives that it is coming back to them. I have known these people a long time…some all my life. Yet rather than be rewarded for their goodness, they have basically been slapped over and over for it.

In season 6 of House, he is faced with life and death and God. Over and over he states he doesn’t believe in God. But there are so many things pointing to the validity of God. He fights himself constantly because of this. It turns out that his biological father became a Christian minister at some point in his life. All of these things make House wonder about who he is. He is well-known in the medical community and has money but the thing that tortures him is the hardness that has taken over who he is. Doctors are supposed to remain impartial and unbiased, but they still have feelings. House is blunt and often sarcastic to his patients. In the season 6 finale he actually attributed the cynicism to his leg injury. It made him doubt. He wasn’t healed when that was his life’s work. He felt unloved and empty. Was it because of how he treated people? He was trying to figure it all out. And, yes, I realize this is a tv show but many times art mimics reality. (Yes, tv is art.)

So do many of us wonder about these things? Do many of us want to know what is making us unhappy? I think so. I think we wonder why “bad things happen to good people”. Do you wonder what is making your life the way it is? Is it fate? God? Karma? What?